my empire of dirt

Posted by: stepsherpa

Tagged in: Untagged 

stepsherpa

Please don't leave me, please come back, I love you..I'll change..I only want whats best for you..Please, just listen to me..If you're still out there, I'm going to kill myself if you go..Hello! are you out there?  I'm going to do it if you leave, I will, I will do it, don't think I won't..I'm ready, right now soo..I can't live without you..I've locked myself in here and I'm not coming out unless you stay,  just give me one more chance, please, for all the love we had..This is the only home I've ever had, don't break it up, please...Hello?..Hello? Are you still there? No..don't go....I need you, I need you to save me..Save me mama, fix me..I'm afraid. I can't live without you,  I obsess over you every minute..You'll be sorry when I'm not around.

I can't believe you're actually doing it..You're leaving me, for good?..Is there someone else? There has to be someone else. You've been going out and having fun with friends, guy friends haven't you, staying out late like a dirty stay out, I didn't mean that ,nothing , no I didn't say anything to you I was talking to the cat....Better be carefull. Listen to me, you really better be carefull, if you have sex with someone you could die these days..Well, it is my business..OK , sorry..No, I'm not trying to control you even after you've moved out I'm just concerned, I love you..No, I'm not trying to control the way you think really, I just care what happens to you..I do..And much more than your friend Barbi..I didn't mean it in a bad way I'm just sayin we 're married so we're closer thats all nothing against her, of course I respect her as your friend..Sure, you know I do..

Hey, I told you and I mean it, I'm quitting drinking, I've allready done it..I'm done , quit, finished, it's over..No more booze for me..No more psycotic behaviour..No more pissy attitude for days and weeks on end because life isn't treating me right..No more temper tantrums, No more whining and complaining about every little thing that crosses my path..You say I need help then OK I'll get some help..I'll go to AA and I'll see a counselor and a therapist and a psycologist, even your mother...whatever you say..Yes,  definately get help with the intimacy. Just give  me a little more time before you leave for good, a little more time..I can see now..If you were me I'd do it for you. I would help you...

I understand, I hear you, I AM listening...I allways listen to you..The car I drive isn't that important if I wear it as a badge of honor, I get it..I know, credit cards, loans, easy financing, material make me somebody,  stuff..I know, I just have to dig myself out but it's hard when you're not here..I need you. No, sorry,  I don't mean I need you need you, I can do things myself without you, I'm a man..I meant it's just when you're here it's easier..It's like I can't help myself but you give a reason to help myself..Well, yes maybe like God I suppose but thats not what I'm saying..Really I can take care of myself If I have to..I know I may look a bit pathetic right now but I'm really not, I just miss you and don't want to live without you even If you don't want me. Even if you hate me..And I'm also afraid you're telling your family things I've done to you..No, I'm not paranoid,  it's just some  things I've appologized for and haven't repeated..It wouldn't be fair to tell on me..You know, our private stuff, like WE talked about. Right, like I talked about..Ok, I'll talk to you tomorrow, I love you and you don't have to say it back,..

I know we just talked an hour ago but I just wanted to say everythings allright, I'm doing it..I made the call and I'm going to a AA meeting at six oclock tonight..I don't really see the need for it so soon but I'll do it..I would rather you just came home and we just picked up like nothing happened but you won't do that so I'll get help..I guess I'm the one who needs the help not for us, for myself, right..No, I know I have to want it for myself, don't worry..I'm doing this for me, I am..What happens now?  will you come home? I meant because I'm going to the meeting I thought maybe afterwords we could talk..OK allright, I'll go every day for a while and see what happens..You have to hang up? now? 

Ok well I'm going to the meeting tonight and I'll call the old detox aftercare  place tomorrow, I will, I mean it..Maybe I can get an appointment and see somebody..I miss you and hope for the best for us and I'm going to get some help today..Just don't cheat on me yet, please...

Talk to you soon..I'll go to some meetings and get involved in some recovery..I know it's the right thing to do, I kind of feel better just knowing I'm doing something to help myself..I just felt I was trapped and hopeless, I had nowhere to turn except to the booze...I'm looking forward to some peace like they talk about in AA..It's time to show some willingness and help myself, I'm atleast going to show up sober if I can...I'm going to not drink for one day and get to an AA meeting tonight. It seems quite painless actually, like I'm getting a grip on this thing, taking some action not just waiting for the next bad ending....I could be drinking just for attention from others so let me give myself some attention instead of them for once..Let me care about myself here a bit..Atleast enough to help myself..Don't drink for one day, get to a meeting..I can do this..

Maybe I'll see you there and won't feel so alone... 

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