Fellowship 12

Heard last night my ex wife was around, one of them anyway..The one I always forget about even if people ask about her I kind of erased her so it's hard to remember that era, like there's no boundary on that time frame it's just heavy grey fog and rain coming down in sheets..An official gloom and doom area.. I do try with a stiff upper lip and eye contact  to say it was a good life experience for me or us or everybody hoping to somehow validate myself and all my AA step work but really uh ..

Let me start over, I heard my crazy psychotic dented can alcoholic ex wife is around..The one who time has proven just may have been more whacked out than me..She left me for the tender emotional security of an AA lesbian relationship which didn't do much for my manhood..It is difficult to not make it about me whenever it's brought up..Guys look at you with surprise and shock when they hear she left you for another woman..

I imagine the toilet seat issue is solved, so that's a good thing....

Yep, I was living the dream sober in AA showing up and expecting everything to just fall from the sky because I was in AA and had a drivers license and some other basics.Lots of older gals hugging me and thanking me for my honesty at the speaker meetings..I was full of my new found crap, tolerant of that cigarettes and  powdery nursing home smell that would stick to you. .They loved me, they really loved me....

I had my chance in early sobriety to actually live good with a woman who thought the world of me but there was something wrong, I don't remember what it was right now,  maybe the way she chewed her food or how she  had a dog growing up years ago and I liked cats, stuff that absolutely cannot be overcome in a life long relationship....Anyway, I needed  and with no accountability felt myself eligible for something better,  so I packed up my six months of sobriety chip of courage and hopped the fence to graze in green clover..

Depending on the day these memories are funny or sad or horrific, I don't remember getting married even though I was sober.  So, for me  today I do believe in no relationships for atleast a year, and would debate it.... I do recall her father pulling me aside and saying I didn't have to do this..I thought , what a thing for a father to say about the marital bond about to be undertaken by two young people obviously deeply in love for the past three months, I mean we were still sloppy kissing....To this day I wish I listened to him. Even though I didn't like him because he seemed to have power over me, I still wish I listened..

I think all this experience is useful to the new man until I notice him looking at me as if he's  waiting to be rescued..Then I notice my house isn't in as good of order as I might think.. I'm still resentful..I've got unresolved issues in that area and when I hear she's around my turf I am afraid and become defensive..Now I guess she's got a new man in her life and I want to gossip and criticize with  everything I know to make her look bad in hopes of justifying myself..I get a tiny glimpse of reality from the higher power who I'm semi willing to ask for help..The resentment is strong and my ego doesn't want to let go of it..Finally I will make her pay for hurting me..I kind of know she can't fix me either no matter how much she pays. I just want her to suffer like me..It's killing me that she's doing good and is happy..

Five minutes later I'm ashamed of how I think and how I've acted and know I can't do it over but I have to try to live with it now..Nothing worse than a head full of unwanted history thats affecting today..She's probably here for a nice visit and I'm wandering around with her, him and them all resentful, I have no faith.I've become a people worshiper and put my entire life on hold while I wallow in resentment and self-pity, typical untreated alcoholism...It always comes down to the same thing, pray to the higher power for direction and willingness to accept myself and I can accept them..Look at myself..Get honest with myself..Why is it so difficult to admit I've screwed up?It's that egomaniac with the inferiority complex thing that always sounds funny when you refer to others but when you talk about yourself it's a bit real...


Being handicapped in this emotional bondage is nothing new..This is why I need the God thing..I need to see that my selfish self centered conduct is whats creating the difficulty it's not them, it's me..I'm responsible today.I ask for God to direct my thinking..Look at myself, keep the focus on my own conduct, they're not hurting me I'm hurting me..God take me to better things, let her come and go as she pleases and show her the patience love and tolerance you show me..I'm not that important here..She's none of my business, get me out of my way so she can get by. Let her live her life..

Got a new guy to pick up tonight so I'm grateful for that..Get to a meeting enjoy some fellowship, maybe help this guy, who knows..I'll read through the chapter on working with others and go for it..It'll be good, revolve my day around my meeting. It doesn't matter how long I've been around it still feels good to be a part of the fellowship and 12 step program of recovery..I like AA, it's where I chose to live..

See you tonight? Steps? 

I was walking by the local homeless shelter where I actually worked but didn't know anybody on the inside track really, I spent most of my time out on the street and in the shack cities and only checked into the office once a day to write the next mornings meditation for the detox crowd, usually no more than ten minutes tops.... I was never much for the head trip command center although I did wear a costume complete with a different pastel tie each day, I was more for getting people whatever the system had to offer them and that itself was an undertaking ......
 
I saw a line of 5 or  6 guys outside a big cardboard box standing there waiting for something..One made eye contact with me and I knew something was going on, he had that new bike on Christmas morning look about him except it was July..I walked up to the box and got a good look at a local homeless woman named for all intents and purposes, Susie..Apparently Susie was trading her fresh baked marshmallow rice crispy squares for whatever anybody had, cigarettes, cash, food stamps..She was too drunk to know what was going on..She was about nude and it was open season on Susie..

These people knew what they were doing wasn't right so a firm HEY, THATS ENOUGH! was only met with snarls and growls, maybe a who the blank am I...They all pretty much scattered..Now, I'm not saying one way or the other what her or their sex conduct should be that's really none of my business.. I'm only seeing a woman who's so intoxicated she doesn't know where she is and is out numbered..That doesn't sit well no matter who it is. homeless or not, it's not about status, it's about humanity. Anyways,  even though her eyes are rolling around in her head she recognizes me sort of and I tell her to get her clothes on we're going to get sober..She knows..

I left her for a minute and went into the shelter to find someone to come with me( preferably a woman)  to the detox but got no help there so I reluctantly loaded her into the back of my car alone and off we went to the state or free detox/ loony bin..She said she was relieved to go back as she was broke and had nowhere to stay..Susie was no stranger to in patient rehab for good reason..So we get there and we walk in, I stopped at a pay phone  on the way so they were waiting with a bed for her, we got lucky..It was kind of like I was just dropping her home..

So I hit a meeting on my way back and cruise  main st one time  just cause I had coffee so late and I see Susie standing on the street with a change of clothes and a circle of friends..I thought that's wild, she almost beat me back to town..I pulled up to the curb and yelled  ..She came over to the window and said she's alright, she just got too high that afternoon and didn't want to stay in the detox..She's keeping it cool now and thanked me for getting her out of there this afternoon..She introduces me to her new boyfriend who has a place to live for them both..I wondered for a minute what was going on with the new boyfriend but not for too long, I knew the story....I said ok then, take care of yourself Susie..I went home to bed.

It's always something here in alcoholism land. People get a grip, lose their grip ..Many die off unnoticed. Many use AA as a stepping stone moving on by to much better things for themselves....

Hey if you can find a spot to sit down and be quiet long enough to sober up and get a look at yourself, great..What used to be a shocking( are you kidding me!) has become a simple( oh really)..Somebodies always doing something and with alcoholics it can be a bit absurd, even scary sometimes..The things people do under the influence is whacked enough but when the conduct continues without alcohol then we got troubles..usually deep troubles..

Some may think Susie a moral leper and some may feel she just does what she has to to survive, I don't know..Many even around AA teeter on serious mental health issues and it can be rough to be a part of or even watch from a distance  the way some alcoholics treat themselves..Some would say I should have just kept walking..I saw her as out of control, she had thrown up on herself, she needed help....Think what you want there's no argument here..

I'd love to say that Susie started hitting meetings and put a bit of time together and was living life sober..I'd love to say she was getting better and better showing up at her AA group but I have no idea what happened to her, one day she was gone.....

See you tonight at the meeting, I'll be there,  hopefully with a newcomer helping me stay sober another day..

Ray was my best friend at a time when my AA was a bit weak. I had just narrowly survived an AA live together for a few years relationship with Miss AA without hanging myself again and was faced with a mega growth spurt if I was to survive it..Avoiding my emotional crisis as much as I could ,  I was more into riding my motorcycles than helping others like the Big Book suggested was my best course of action for recovery....I was sober but without a real fellowship connection,  like I wasn't comfortable with meetings  and without the fellowship and steps I reveled in my selfishness..I was on a self-pity fueled I'll do it my way for a while kick expecting it to be different this time with the outcome in my favor....

We were both in exile in our own ways with maybe 10 years sober each but coming from two different AA programs..He had a philosophy passed on to him by his sponsor that he followed diligently..He would say his purpose was to seek peace and be a right guy, and he did.. His years of discussion and stand up speaker meetings worked well for him as he was sober and grateful for his good fortune..He also had a wife who was smart and knew how to make money..I remember being a bit shocked one day when she said she just bought a few beach cottages for an investment. Anyways, we were real close until I packed up the cat and headed for northern California  searching for a spiritual pot of gold..As I look back I was trying to run as far as I could away from myself..That was basically the norm for me sober or not. If it's not working? Run away from it..

I've never been into cocaine much, it was kind of over my head..Plus when I was drinking I never really had the money for it with my bar room booze habit....Don't get me wrong here I would do any drug any time just never without alcohol.. Well,  except for the recurring nightmare of falling on my face addicted to opiates..Although I had suffered from  the insanity of just being a social heroin user too many times to count,  I was not familiar with crack. Apparently, Ray had a history of free base cocaine use ..I had heard him speak of it but didn't really understand..I only know what I know so if he says he was a crackhead I only know what I know about it and as far as being a crackhead, I didn't know much....

Many years have gone by and I heard Ray picked up or was drinking and was broke and not doing too well basically... He was divorced and living alone but I couldn't find out where..Then one day I bumped into him and he looked pretty good actually..He had been bouncing around AA.. We laughed at everything each other said as if no matter how bad things were  with each others security we were bulletproof....I had the uncomfortable feeling our relationship was weak no matter how much excitement we put into the conversation..We were two guys in today reading yesterdays script trying to rekindle something that was gone. We both knew it but kept on talking until there was nothing more to say..We had used eachother up.

Ray took care of himself as I remembered but now when he smiled and his teeth were rotten or missing, that kinda tells the truth about a guy...Ray was gone.. Sure he seemed sober but he stepped off the cliff at some point hurting himself badly, he probably wasn't coming back..He had gotten into the smoking crack world for a few years I guess and he may as well have been huffing paint..He was junk mail..It was sad..So we ended with all the ya we'll get together and hit a meeting stuff and I left..I have to say here, as much as I'm no big financial success story in life and really haven't amounted to much I am a sober alcoholic and it hit me hard how important it is..If I'm not sober, I'm nothing..The hopelessness of untreated alcoholism, I hang my head.

 So, I've been lucky man..I have seen many good people suffering from alcoholism come and go..I have put my recovery first at least enough to survive without going too far backwards before I wake up..The God higher power spiritual however you do it thing seems to be key, without that  I'm on my own..I myself have yet to find a middle of the road solution to my malady, it's a jump into AA and sobriety with both feet thing..It always amazes me how fortunate I am to have found the willingness to believe a power greater than myself  could keep me sober, I mean really..The last thing I'd be doing is seeking God and helping others yet here I am..What a break.

Don't let me forget it's a day at a time..Today's peacock can be tomorrow's feather duster.

See you at the meeting. 

I woke up this am with some willingness to put the effort into step 11 upon awakening , page 86 in the Big Book..AA, with written directions is willing to show me how as a self-admitted alcoholic I may be most successful in my daily recovery..Lets just say it's my best case scenario as an alcoholic..Sounds kind of stiff but it's the reality of my emotional illness..If I choose to be my own guide and get control of myself without AA's guidance and spiritual concepts when I wake up,  I tend to suffer the usual setbacks  that keep me in the  bondage of selfishness and fear desperately fighting for control trying to think my way through it, rearrange it, get a frieken grip on it..

 Around and around in my head I go,  and if the snare of constant selfish thinking  isn't bad enough the thought I have to drink to survive may appear to be my only relief..I have thought this way and I have thrown away my sobriety..The insanity of alcoholism arises and I drink. I am just as surprised as anyone that I'm drunk again..Worse for me is when I wallow in the hopelessness of it all spinning around waiting for some magic words or mama angel to come and save me,  once I've trapped myself there it's hard to escape self pity with just my own head yet spiritual concepts will seem out of the question because they offer no instant gratification and of course I want relief now. So I begin in my head and I stay there unable to escape the untreated alcoholism for another day, maybe I make it? Maybe I don't. Who cares?

 So anyway for me the whole AA step 11 page 86 thing has no debate,  if I'm alcoholic and want to live, I do it..I have no excuses..There no longer is security with others that scoff at step 11..Those who feel their real problems should be dealt with before they jump into the steps are not like me or I am not like them..I have been around AA a bit and I have learned this..This alcoholism is life or death and I've chosen to live today..It's about survival here for me,  either I'm willing to participate in the solution and expose my disease for what it is  right away this morning or I suffer, hoping a new coat of paint will cover who I really am enough for me  to slide through a day of denial, blend..Try to be normal like that'll work this time..

Anyway, it's a beautiful sunday morning and I'm off..Got to get going out in the boat for the day with my wife..I can go through the day thinking how it's too windy or I should have a bigger boat and how come everyone else seems to have it easier than me and how come I'm the only fat guy on the beach or even deeper with I'm an alcoholic and nobody loves me..I'll be too selfish to see the sun is out and my God given sobriety has me out on the ocean with people that love me, instead I'll be a droopy dog and pout away the day sucking emotional security out of everybody because I'm pathetic and weak and hate myself and you won't fix me..I don't need to rely on my God today, I'm a man,  I'm doing great this time..

Be good to yourself today my friend..Get to an AA meeting, get a sponsor, join a group..Participate in your recovery, ask a spiritual power greater than yourself for help..It was and is a key part of my AA recovery..I am willing to have God direct me and not worship people today for my self-worth , willingness is huge...  I can pray for the unselfish open mindedness needed to meet the needs of others and not find fault in everything around me bringing them down to my level so I feel better about myself..All because I wasn't willing to follow the simple program of recovery laid out in masterly detail in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have a choice, I don't have to do it my way, I am no longer trapped in my selfishness and fear always the undisciplined alcoholic wandering from person to person hoping for some relief from myself....I have found the way out..

See you tonight at a meeting and we'll share our gratitude, our day of sobriety.

I was cornered by a over enthused member of clutterers anonymous last night who I guess for the first time in their life has the willingness to pick up their dirty socks off the floor and put them in the hamper..As they described their new found lifestyle it sounded like a perfectly balanced Macy's department store display window to me or maybe what my house looks like if we know company is coming. I guess I'm not into creating a new compulsive obsessive order for the day, I'm too much of a slob yet I do feel good enough about myself to do the dishes...My house is lived in,  it's somewhere  kind of under construction almost finished..Hey, the Christmas lites are down and put away in the garage in a box with the words Christmas lites written on the front, That's pretty together if you ask me....Well, some people leave em up..

Over heard a self proclaimed pure air Padre'  beating the smokers at the butt can senseless outside the meeting the other night..I myself don't smoke these days but occasionally think I could just have one to fit in, be cool, hobnob with the local folk with a smoke..Be one of the guys..I'd go for a non filter and spit out that one little piece of tobacco that comes with the first drag of a freedom and release..I take deep breathes and stand next to these guys  like I'm getting the same full effect of the tar, nicotine and whatever else is in them, rat poop...I think of the yellow almost orange two fingers on my right hand and the abscess on my lip from passing out while enjoying the evenings last one before oblivion..But other times I'm reminded how I'd pass out on the kitchen floor leaving the refrigerator door open with my head in the cat box..That smell, you never really get it off, it's with you forever...Anyways these guys were professional smokers and most all gentleman will admit that yes smoking is bad and yes I'm going to quit but if you keep pushing they'll encourage you to move on while still under your own power...


Our meeting is an open one so anyone can come and take our inventory..I was watching a new group of al anon gals get out of three basically identical super safe and responsible to own toyota camrys and tighten up ranks before doing some kind of geisha feet are too small two step in their matching just got out of yoga sneakers, white with a pink stripe..They seem to hop and skip up the ramp and into the hall with uh huh we're middle aged, we're gray , whats it to you, energy....I thought, if there's trouble? I'm with them..

Behind them was the obviously beat up teddy bear crowd of maybe five or six, maybe more  adult children of alcoholics..It was hard to tell as they were acting invisible..I was at the door greeting my new friends with a hello and welcome but most mumbled something out of the side of their heads as they passed staring dead at the heals of the person in front..I was grateful to not be reliving my childhood horrors at that moment anyway and kind of felt bad for them..I remember my early days with the ACOA and Adult child counseling AND CODA and the one on one psychologist ALANON, not to mention a AA meeting everyday....I needed everything..Gone are the days when a loud male voice would make me squat and pee on the floor..
 
Here comes the judge, yup, our court system working to improve the lives of it's mentally disturbed habitual offenders and also take the overwhelming load off it's officers by dumping a nice shiny new full van load of  overly medicated windowlickers at our friday night AA field trip meeting..I don't know the full effects of the meds they're on but one thing I did notice is it makes them all look like turtles..Except walking upright..Upright walking turtles.
I guess the smoking regulations for them are if you can light it you can smoke it..

So I'm standing there minding my own business of course trying to be my non sarcastic nice and friendly self and this guy appears out of nowhere and says is this AA? I said ya and stuck out my hand with a welcome..He said great he's thinking crazy and wants to drink like right now..I said hey man, you're in luck I happen to speak fluent crazy and I'm not drinking today,  whats on your mind? He went through the gears with his wife, the court, his kids..Lots of personal stuff..Money, fatherinlaw..And can I sign his court paper? I was pecking at corn for a while agreeing with everything and then I said you want a coffee? We sat outside and drank coffee and talked, him then me then him and so on..The meeting ended and everyone left except us..I told him roughly my experience with the steps and my higher power concept and he was interested in the steps but was not religious, I said neither was I..I grabbed a Big Book out of my truck and gave it to him with my phone number..We had a date for the next night to have a look at the book and hit a meeting..He never called.

Whelp friend, when I got sober in AA there was no world wide web..Cell phones were the size of world war two walkie talkie's like Vic Morrow used..In 1981 I had heard of only one mans Big Book Step meeting and I joined it..Things change, people change, I change,  life goes on..The one thing I know today that's never changed is a mans willingness to help another man..I guess it was here long before the internet or AA..It's inside us, it's our spirit, our willingness..Hey, we all laugh and play when we're not supposed to, cry when we're alone..None of us is a perfect roll model from what I've seen..Let me say if I or any one I know is perfect then the error margin is pretty wide..I have one objective in life, to stay sober and give what was freely given to me..AA has taught me that one thing, as soon as you get it, give it away..

You'll never be alone again as you create the fellowship you crave..You share a common bond with others like yourself, alcoholics..It's rough at times  don't let me kid you..I've been sober a long time and seen myself many places I've chose not to return to today, thats growth..As complicated as things can become in my head It always comes back to the simple program of recovery..In my case it begins with standing at the door of the AA meeting with an out stretched hand in welcome..It can be that simple for you...Simple willingness..

See you tonight at the meeting, we'll give it everything we got. 

The chairperson made the AA related announcement to hold your seats for a business meeting please..Hmm, business meeting? I'd love to attend but I have a prior engagement outside at the butt can shuckin and jivin with my homeys..Need to find out who's more screwed up than me so I get my medicine, feel better about myself...Besides, she's just a control freak and always says your supposed to write your 10th step out at night, I mean where did that come from? Probably some NA crossover thing, or maybe OA..Plus, I think she nominates herself as the chairperson, she's always doing it...Maybe I'll make a cameo appearance just to make sure these folks are keeping our group aligned with the AA traditions..Being the most sober in the room does have it's responsibilities..I'll just hang to the side and be the shadow of experience, the carry a big stick walk softly thing, whatever..
 
Well, if he didn't start out saying his sobriety date every time he speaks maybe I could listen to him. Maybe we should get you a AA member of the month parking spot or I'm with Bill tee shirt, or better yet a damn seagulls hat...How about a photocopy of all your accomplishments sober to pass around before you speak..What about the guy who he drags around with him who always says he's an addict not just an alcoholic, obviously the attention seeking trouble maker..And his AA ex blue flame is right next to him with her antique Gloria Vanderbilt blue jeans with the gold stitching on the back pockets trying to squeeze 25 years off her now toxic smoke billowing booty..Oh boy, John the lawnmower guy who is nothing but a coin jingling always pass the basket too soon this meeting ends at exactly nine no matter who's talking in mid sentence weirdo with the ever present small cut on his head like he hits himself in the same spot everyday....I mean, there is something odd about someone who is constantly bumping their head..You wonder who's at the wheel? 

  Hey, I'm not one to take inventory's but whats up with Poindexter there, not able to write on his fourth step but knows everything in the english language except the word pass....And Bob the coffee maker who fancies himself quite the kitchen magician but never has cream only the powdered stuff, what ever that even is, probably Anthrax..He does have that sweaty I like to peep in windows look about him, wouldn't trust him... Whats her name is here Barbarella,  with her sponcee's in tow like a bunch of junior militant lesbian secretary temps with their yellow  highlighters making mental notes hacking up their Big Books.. Not having learned yet that everything in the Book stays the same but you change everytime you read it so it always means something different..They've been warned,  no eye contact with the boys..Those bad boys..Yep.. boys, the root of all evil..

Oh this is too much, are they actually dating? I'm sure it's a great idea to close down the entire beach for the summer to save the spotted   yellow beaked titmouse endangered habitat but he should wash that tee shirt man, this isn't 1969..I'm going to go rifle through my fishing tackle box and find his friend some decent looking piercings..I mean really, every picture tells a story here and the tongue stud the size of an apple is making me uncomfortable..Maybe I'm just getting old. Tattoo's are cool sure but just making your whole arm green? This dude has been really high apparently at some point in his life..And who writes love /hate across your fingers, who does that? Not the county farm crowd, that comes from upstate..

Anyway, I was going to make a comment on the groups money situation  and realized my own checkbook is probably overdrawn, I wondered if anyone could possibly know? Atleast here I can act like Mr. Humble steps are working in my life serene guy..I'll just suggest the group does what AA suggests as if it was my idea, so I said we should follow the AA approved pamphlet to divide up the money,  it's the 60 30 10 or the 40 20 40 or, you know, the pamphlet....There, a profound contribution from the man with the wisdom, the old timer..The fine addition to the business meeting..Poindexter corrected me and knew exactly what to do, I wanted to retaliate but that's what people would expect..I didn't even blink. I had to be all about patience love and tolerance and badrap him later..

Next order of business, the group anniversary! Food! now were on to something..Sorry I'm not going to try to eat lasagna with extra sauce on a earth friendly recycled single paper plate again..I ruined my favorite shirt with the swordfishes on it last year and no I'm not going to wear a bib..That's just dealing with the symptoms not the problem. Also, I vote to not try to plug in four crock pots with everybody's competitive sweedish meatball recipes into one receptacle and keep blowing fuses either, it was seconded, all agreed..

We closed the meeting with the serenity prayer and held hands..I realized my group was probably the most untogether crowd  of twisted alcoholics to assemble in one place..This was my AA. I can find something wrong with pretty much any one of them but they're all my friends, we share a common bond, we're alcoholic...The funny thing is they accept me, the real me..They're there every week with their own outstretched hand of AA and welcome...I can be scratching at the door to get out of there and I can sit there never wanting to leave..This is my home, the place I searched for my whole life before and during my drinking and could never find..I'm a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous today..This is my family. I found God here and the emotional security of the fellowship..

I jocky for position, I think I know whats best, I can be all things to all people but where else can I learn about myself..Nowhere else in my life have I felt the tiny bit of humility and willingness to keep going in life sober, nowhere..It's the miracle of AA..Where else can I see myself for who I am and not be thrown out on my ear..As much of a fruitcake as I've been at times in my sobriety never has anyone ever said you can't come in here, you're not welcome here, go away we don't want you, your not good enough..These people know i've been on the stove too long and yet they accept me, they are quite an amazing group really..How we all can be as whacked as we are and walk around without hurting each other is not to be missed..This week I'm not going to miss it..

I have found sanctuary, a safe place to learn and live with my alcoholism..I learn how to live in AA and I learn how to live outside AA..Eventually my insides match my outsides...I just thank God they can't read my mind..

Hope to see you there..
....

Well, there you have it, she's drinking..One day we're living the dream of sobriety,  one big happy family neither of us ever had and the next she's drunk calling me on her cell... Like hammered drunk sitting in the driveway in the car she actually drove here from who knows where..Should I call the cops? I see her out there just staring at the house..What now? What do I do now? My whole life is AA, what do you do when your AA dream come true ever popular everybody's sympathetic ear Miss AA wife is on a jag..

I'm not the person she married, all I do is go to meetings, I spend more time with AA people than her, we never do anything fun, we're not having children...I can talk about old relationships and she can't because I get quiet and insecure...It's all coming out at five cents a minute.. She says I'm emotionally unavailable to her, I only think about myself..She says I'm an AA phony who's all steps and fellowship at the meetings but at home I'm constantly gossiping and criticizing everyone.... 

Easily distracted even in crisis I can't help thinking as the call breaks up again we'd be better off with two dixie cups and a string than the cell carriers we use....Talk about detached, maybe she's right..I see myself searching for fault in others desperately to somehow validate myself here, the shitty cell phone will do I guess..Get the pressure of my situation off me for a second anyway, they're screwed up and I'm ok..Stupid loser cell phone people..

 I am overwhelmed with fear just thinking what others will think and what she's been saying..She's probably had sex with somebody by now if she's been drinking all day..What a whore..I kind of know I should be concerned with her well being as she is alcoholic and drinking but all I am concerned with is how she may be making me look bad..Am I this self-centered? Man, am I selfish..Do other people get this selfish?

Keeping the focus on me and the best of my worst I wonder If I'm setting some kind of record for being the sickest loving caring nothing the matter here Ma, patient AA  husband around..I get kind of sick thinking she told some private things, maybe a personal intimacy issue to a few choice AA women that knew the last dreamboat that sailed away from me and remembered that story, which by the way was completely fabricated..I never pushed her, I wasn't even there.. She slipped on the ice on the stairs  and got a bruise on her butt that looked like she was  drop kicked at the thirty yard line...Really..You can trust me this time..Believe me,  that whole thing was over me not shoveling the back steps..People believe anything..Sick untreated alcoholics trying to tarnish my good name..They're just jealous.

Well, she isn't moving..She is breathing,  that's a plus..Hopefully she'll sleep it off, the blaring effects anyway, I'll leave her be..I'll call her sponsor.  I'd like her sponsor to help her but I also need someone to see I didn't do anything wrong and this isn't my fault.. I can't seem to stop making it about me, what is wrong with me..Am I this co-dependant? Do I stand for anything? I need to get a grip, this whole thing is out of control..My wife is drinking and all I care about is how it affects me..I should be trying to help her. Why can't I help her, why am I afraid of her..

I had hoped her illustrious sponsor  would join me and share my burden of  sobriety and  willingness to do the right thing as the husband of a drinking AA member but that wasn't happening..I assumed she would want to know the true details from my sober twelve step  perspective especially with her knowing I'd been around a while and all..  Any input I may offer on the subject could only help. But instead she asked me how I was doing on my ninth step and do I still keep in touch with my sponsor? And how bout 10 11 and 12 for that matter? I didn't like her tone.

I was instantly ticked off. Don't turn this on me, it's none of her business how my ninth step is going, this isn't about me anyway it's about my wife being drunk passed out in the bedroom..Anyways I had to say something so I told her I made all the amends I could and the rest were living amends, you know just by not drinking I was cleaning up my past or something like that..It sounded better when I heard others say it..And rather than face people and pay back money I donated it to the feed the abandoned cats program where I happen to be a volunteer....Sometimes I donate my time as if, like my own community service program kind of I guess.  Hey, I'm not the only one who does it. I wrote lots of letters to people and read them their I'm sorry you were a jerk and I was alcoholic apology at the beach with God.....OK, So, I fell on my face with the amends, this is why my wifes drunk?  This is not my fault, I'm not the one who's drunk here..

I don't know what happened, I was doing so good..We both were..Maybe we thought that because we were sober for a while we were normal now. Alcoholism was just a word to describe what we used to be , now we were recovered, straightened out, fixed..Just saying we were recovered seemed to give me an edge..We were going to meetings and sometimes we'd pray together and be grateful for what we had sober in AA..I guess we became complacent..We didn't just want more, we expected more..More happiness, more of each other..We got away from God and just sucked the life out of each other..Neither of us could fix ourselves so how could we fix each other, we couldn't ..We just drifted farther apart looking for the next best thing..I fell into blaming everyone else for my troubles and she fell into alcohol..

I thanked her sponsor for the talk as she left. I was afraid and alone..I wanted people bad, somebody to take my pain away.. If I could just blame somebody I know I'd feel better, some person place or thing. But instead,  I hit the deck..Right there in the livingroom I got on my knees and with all my heart I began to pray..I told God that I was really screwing up. I forgot what my purpose was, I forgot about others..I wanted another chance to work on myself, to surrender myself and maybe be of service to you..Please remove the bondage of myself here and let me be free to help my wife..Show me what my next step is to be, guide me in my thoughts and actions..Take me out of myself, out of this sickness..

I went to the bedroom doorway and looked at her laying there asleep..I am heartbroken. I had not taken care of myself and this was the result..Some man I turned out to be, the whole thing was just sad....I want to change, I want to change this and am willing to do what ever I can..I'm going to get going on that step nine tomorrow..I'm going to get back to my program of recovery..The stronger I am the better..I think I should call my sponsor, I know it's going to be weird but I gotta do it,  I need help, I can't think he thinks....I'm willing to ask for help..This is good, this is ok..We can survive this..We can recover, this AA program was meant for us, we are alcoholic and to those who have suffered and recovered  this isn't anything new or unique...

There are no special circumstances here..  We're going to make it...

Sure I can make plans, I just can't revolve my life around the projected outcome..I can't just set myself up all the time to let myself down..I tend to put all my eggs in one basket and assume things are a certain way when actually they may be completely different with different people and circumstance..Because I think I know whats best doesn't mean it's going to turn out my way, even if by chance I am right..Tomorrow's a mystery and believing I have the power to change this with my intuition or superior intellect will always end in failure..Another failure...

Especially early on in sobriety being dominated by selfishness and fear I didn't even know I had I would think grand thoughts based on myself with no real rational explanation, they would just be there as absolute and only after they fell apart could I see them as fragmented to begin with..Like I'd say to myself with probably the most honesty I could muster, what was I thinking? Unable to change,  it would happen again and again with the same result, what was I thinking?....I was baffled by life sober, out of control..One minute I was fixing all the damage done in my past and another I was dreaming of medical school grants..In the middle I planed to see my ex girlfriend and at least borrow her car..

Newly sober with the influx of reality I had neatly avoided or entirely ignored for most of my life coming on hard and fast now, I became aware of my powerlessness over people places and things like they talked about at meetings, sober..Just because I put the drink down I wasn't going to be writing any great theories on why birds fly and fish swim..It didn't matter although in between meetings I did once ponder the question, what is air? These thoughts would come as I looked for a job or walked to the next meeting staring at the ground wondering who was driving my truck the sheriff took because I was a drunk and   couldn't make the payments ..I wanted to blame the corporate loan sharks for keeping the man down but kinda knew it was my own fault..I did share well with the downtrodden, I had lots of excuses and plenty of blame...I just didn't know why I did the things I did, I was out in life and my mind  was spinning wildly without any anesthesia..I quickly learned that I drink for a reason..


I could be sitting comfortably at a meeting with my coffee and bologna sandwich square and be transported to my childhood as if the ghost of Christmas past had me by the ear..Boom! Rod Sterling was describing my relationship with my ex wife and the poor excuse of a husband and father I was and am..A whiter shade of pale being played at my funeral as I made eye contact from my cardboard casket with all those who watched me fail, spiraling to the bottom of my dream, dead..Between the fear and delusion of tomorrow and the morbid reflection of yesterday I needed to keep it, what ever it was, in the moment..The day..
I would pray to God to reel myself in..

Only through the all too frequent too much coffee feeling and the taste of stomach bile was I willing to listen to the AA message..I have to say it didn't seem easy for anything to get through to me no matter what it was..

One day at a time..I just focus on whats in front of me right now, today..I wake up in the morning and think about my day..I don't wake up like Super Dave the human pinball,  shooting out of the cannon bouncing off anything in my path..I needed to slow down and calm down or else I probably wouldn't stay sober, this scared me, I didn't want to go back....There was a long road of reconstruction ahead.. I was told and it would be there with or without me..Life was going on and if I was going to participate it had to be on a simpler level..My way was just well, insane..I couldn't seem to mix with anything, this is allot of the reason I drank so how was I supposed to stay sober?

So now I had some direction without direction, how weird..When I was consumed with court fines or jail for unpaid debt or what my mother thinks of me and what my kids look like combined with the horrors of being caught playing with myself at nine years old with another boy and believing thats still how my father sees me, I could stop the madness..Or at least try to stop it..I didn't have to fall victim to my delusion just because it was there..I could ask the higher power to keep me in the day..Like tomorrows a mystery yesterday's history it's all about today, one day without one drink..Nothing can happen in my 24 hours that a drink or drug won't make worse, just keep it in the now, that means now, this now..

Many nights I would lay in bed consumed with indecision about them and what they must think, the self-centeredness was extreme..I would say thy will be done over and over..If I stopped for just a skip of a beat I could easily be flattened by an speeding emotional semi truck with my ex ex girlfriend having fun sex with everybody laughing at me and why I'm so intense..They were and still are everything and I'm not..Quickly with tight eyes and lips I would return to thy will be done thy will be done over and over..The next thing I would know was it's morning and a new day, I had survived another day sober..It was not easy with my head but I was doing it..In spite of myself I didn't have to drink for one day..I was a success. For real.

I do my best to keep it in today..I don't drink today. I try by the grace of God to be the best example of a man that I can today sober..I take care of my illness today and as tomorrow comes I deal with it sometimes looking forward to it rarely afraid of it, it's a good way for me..I have done extensive step work and come to terms with and cleaned up my past..There are still a few horror shows that I save if needed for the new man but generally the nightmare's over..Today I live..Life on life's terms, one day at a time..I've learned we are all in our different days but thats a whole nother story..

Be well my friend and I'll see you around the step meeting...
If getting sober was so easy, everybody'd be doing it.

My best friend  wife girlfriend partner,  went out to a giant rock concert tonight sober with her girlfriend..It struck me as I told her she looked beautiful all dolled up to look ten years younger..Big smile, red lips and nice smelly hair from that expensive cream rinse I would guess..I think I even told her she looked hot..Truthfully? She did look her best and the way she was bouncing around getting ready she felt it too. Now, she is no kid mind you but their was a small tear in her well worn blue genes, a fine addition to her outfit , she was on her way..She was pretty and sexy looking and I was happy for her...

 There was a day when any wife or hostage of mine wasn't trusted to go down and get me some smokes without a clock watching step counting streak of fear and jealousy to return to ..I hated myself so anyone was better than me, of course she'd cheat on me, I'd cheat on me..I gotta say, when it comes to the gut wrenching low self-esteem induced fear in my past, I don't miss it..And honestly,  I have considered suicide as an option to remove it..

 I'm sure the emotional scar tissue has made it difficult for many a good woman to get on with their lives without me..If nothing less at some point most of them have been scared out of their whits with no security in sight..They'd be helpless, boxed in and surrounded by my jealous rage..Some were as sick as me sure and to that I say It still wasn't fair..Nobody deserves that. If anyone treated me like I treated them , who knows..Many of these women were just plain lucky to get away from me..

I am sorry for my horrific conduct and it does not happen anymore, maybe there's some bit of relief there to those who were tricked into renting  the B movie with the bad ending I am still occasionally reminded of. Unfortunately there are many blameless faces.....I at my best was very sick..A raging alcoholic, I was alcoholic with rage . There was no we,  there is only me.  Sadly for everyone I didn't know any different..I was the immature selfish liar who thought a mans outsides made his insides, I had it backwards, I know this today..I am sorry. I do my absolute best and pray to God today to not harm others with my conduct..It is working ..

Well? I suppose my wife could cheat on me tonight..I guess anythings possible..The perfect situation comes around with someone who treats her better but I do my best to treat her right..Maybe someone with more money, well, I work hard and always gladly put her needs ahead of mine, I'm not sure what else there is to that....Maybe someone better looking but I shower everyday and try to keep myself up..Maybe the man who understands, well I'm open and not judgemental with her and we do share intimate feelings with each other without fear..We do trust ourselves and each other..If she left me I'd be heartbroken for sure but not obsessed over guilt and shame or full of fear of how am I going to live without her..In other words if she left she wouldn't take my soul with her..You do the best you can and if they need more and you can't give more?  Let em go, life is too short.

I guess when it really  comes down to it I am sober and that's a plus these days,  I take care of myself with the 12 steps so she has emotional security with me and when she says she loves me I tend to believe her, why wouldn't I? ..I never want her to not be who she wants to be, I don't control her so she has no reason to want to be free of me, she already is her own person...I am lucky to have these steps in my life that's for sure man, really lucky..

 The sometimes long process of learning who we are and what we're about in AA is not to be missed, or to be given up on because of a common slow start..We put our energy into keeping the drink down for 24 hours first then we grow in understanding of why we are like we are..Nothings going to happen if we aren't willing to keep the drink down..It's the key to life for many of us..It takes what it takes but it does happen as we learn how to surrender to the higher power and get honest with ourselves..We take care of ourselves and our illness and as we treat ourselves better so do  we treat others better also, I do know it has to begin with us...I can't give away something I don't have..

So i'm on it..I'm doing it..I'm a part of it and it's working in my life..Live and let live..It's good stuff..I want others to have what they feel is best for them..Maybe I'll see you around the halls and we can talk living sober stuff,  I can always use the help..

One little thing I've noticed about myself is when I'm joining in a recovery conversation with a fellow AA or AA's I have an imaginary soap box or crate I throw down and hop on top of..I may as well be at the center ring of a low budget carnival inticing my new friends to draw near as I have something for them,  I have exactly what they came for..Let me have your attention, give it all to me and I will replace it with my opinion on the grand scheme of things . I will quickly figure out what you want and provide it and the only thing I require is your approval..If you like me and I've helped you great, look at me..If you're dissatisfied  and intimidated or fearfull I'll still take your power. Any press is good press right? I use people to make me who I am, I am a survivor, a master in the art of extreem selfishness..I can fill in the blanks or say no and have control before the question is finished being asked..

I am too kind, all things to all people..I am God himself..If you're Catholic? I may as well play cards tuesday nights with the Pope, If you're not,  neither am I..I know enough about religion to make me dangerous. Having picked up a few tidbits along the way that allow me to be pro or con, i'm in the game no matter what..As I stand there voicing my opinion as the verdict of the ages one things for sure, I'm using you. I am taking all the emotional security I can get with my kind conciderate modest and self sacrificing act..I will numb you with comfortable distractions of emotional security so you can't feel my venom  darkening your spirit.

For some ungodly reason that is much too deep for even me  ( your wackness) to figure out about myself right now.. I seem to think if I quote a portion of the Big Book to you it gives it more depth and weight than If you read it yourself..I am the chainsmoking Bible thumper, the AA sponsor with the secret porn addiction. I'll say it's all just one day at a time so I don't have to change my sobriety date..We all must live these God given principals and I see them in everything except myself..

You must agree with me and validate me. If you don't I can allways blame it on the great spiritual war to overcome my evil alcoholism that I fight in the name of God everyday. That back door that's allways open for a quick escape if by chance what your saying is making sense and I'm caught full of crap in my own snare that was meant for you.....

Do I want to help you with the recovery information or do I help myself with your appreciation of what I've given you..Do I give just so I can take? It is much easier to talk about recovery in others  and if I tell you rather than show you it has a quicker effect for me..Plus , I'm not sure if this is the whole purpose behind it. Just giving it a bit of thought..
May just be a suttle version of make you look bad so I look good selfish selfseeking motives....

How did this go from caring and wanting to help eachother by sharing history's experience written or not,  to using it to dominate and control..Why would I feel compelled to raise my hand and share my newfound information like Silkworths middle name is Dunkin..Hey everybody, what do you think of me now? It seems to come down to being a power of example or being an example of power..Do I selfishly shove anything I can down your throat and take the credit for it all as if it was mine..Do I string together others words and thoughts for instant validation? Sling the lingo? Is it the selfish urgentcy of it? My quick fix..I'm not sure..I may have lost myself here..Oh well, I'm not going back.
 
Well, what I see in my alcoholism is the separation of my finite self, my limited intellect and the infinite spirit..One side of me decieves and the other believes. The balance comes by understanding the two..The day may come when I don't need the word charity to be willing to give..Or a man need not be sick for me to offer help. I may go out in life with a sincere desire to be helpfull no matter the circumstance..I will have undergone a psychic change enough to overcome my alcoholism, I will be reborn into the spirit..I will act without expectation, I won't need it..I will be granted courage and strength to share my purpose here..Although I can say for the most part I do try I have yet to find the absolute balance..I have been so heavenly that I'm no earthly good and I've proven myself  a worshiper of people places and things unwilling to be openminded to spiritual matters..It seems to be on off hot cold black white for the most part......

I am still the actor..It just depends how hard I look at myself..The Big Book says we must be hard on ourselves, I think that just comes in time, sometimes long periods of time if we're fortunate to have them..Being hard on myself with constant willingness seeking the fellowship of the spirit is not the same as beating myself senseless out of fear or low self esteem..In step 11 retiring at night I pray to honestly reflect on my day I don't morbidly reflect selfishly on my day keeping myself down, flogging myself with every little woulda shoulda coulda why didn't I whats wrong with me self imposed crisis..

I seek balance..I'm not perfect and well? don't think I'll ever be..I  have the ability to go about my business  today sober with a reason for living, a purpose..I am sober and follow the dictates of a higher power today..I am a free man..I grow in understanding and effectiveness..I have balance..
 
I get inspired alot my friend and I try to not take credit for it, it isn't mine..As many times in a day that I cripple myself,  with my willingness to believe in the right thought and take action I am healed..This inspiration is for you.  My job today is simply to keep searching for it and give it away. Maybe you will see this and want it also..I did. I'm only giving away what was freely given to me..The twelve steps of recovery, the daily reprieve..

Maybe I'll see you tonight and you can say hey, all the babble is all well and good but right now I just don't want to drink today..I will thank you for reminding me and get down off the box...