Fellowship 12

 Well? I'm probably no different than anyone here who tries to justify their dishonesty with more dishonesty..The give it to me, I'll fix it approach..Can a lie fix a lie? Is my dishonest conduct really out of sight out of mind? What about a little white lie, certainly a better arrangement for all involved especially me? So, dishonesty is everywhere yup..The problem is with me, as an Alcoholic of the hopeless variety I have admitted that I am an extremist, that was part of the deal..Sober or not, 12 Step psychic change or not, on any given day I can make decisions based on selfishness that will (yes) put me in a position to be hurt. I become dishonest, I decide, make a judgement call as I jockey for position in an attempt to maintain my rolling self esteem.. I become weak and go for the instant gratification of the lie, the freaken lie...Hey, boost myself up by stealing a bit of emotional security from others? They don't even know I'm doing it so is it really that bad? Well? Yes..If I'm relying on my arrangement, the manipulation of people for my self esteem and not seeking courage and strength on the Spiritual path then yes, for me it is really that bad..I'm sober and basically free from personal bondage..I've got one or two people in my life I trust and? I have a boat. Basically I've had about anything I've ever wanted sober from the hot classic cars to the attention of thousands from the podium..My needs or wants even simple desires have many times taken shape..Do I look to these experiences with skepticism? Do I decide which is or isn't healthy based on my material or Spiritual wealth? No, not usually..Truth be told I feel better about myself when I wear my Rolex..So if that makes me small, why do I feel so big? What is this dishonesty and what about the trains of circumstance that surround it? Isn't life itself on earth dishonest? Isn't it about survival? Just as the Time Share salesman has one purpose which is to get the Discover Card, isn't it my purpose to get a yes also? A smile, some camaraderie? Fellowship...I suppose If I was going to justify my dishonesty this would be a good attitude to begin with. I gotta do what I gotta do..How do you like me so far? Trust me..So, back to dishonesty..I get up the other day in all my Spiritual wonder. No new meaning to life really just stay sober and don't hurt anybody. I'm used to everything being broken so I'm not even phased by my material wreckage or fearful stimulus..I don't really notice it but my life is in shambles and I'm an emotional mess..It's not like I'm in some new and unique state of mind, I can drift in and out of fear and self destructive thought many times each day..It doesn't really even bother me, I'm used to it and consider it life in the big world with the big people eating at the big table...To give you an idea what I'm saying I get dressed in the morning and notice I'm late for my day that has no real direction yet for some reason I find myself late. I walk out the back door that I've been meaning to replace for about 5 years across the lawn that needs mowing to the driveway I still haven't put sealer on..Past the Lobster trap and giant cooler I just took out of my truck one day and left next to the garage door. The truck runs like crap and I think who in their right mind still makes payments on something with 200k miles on it? Me, that's who..I'm so caught up in myself that I can no longer see it as a problem, I believe it all, everything is broken, I'm a loser, life means nothing and is going nowhere as long as I'm involved..I have a twisted kind of security in it all, I have proven myself a failure before so this is nothing new really..I'll just accept it and move on, no reason to change at this point as I probably deserve it anyway..I, in a matter of an hour have plummeted to a point of seemingly no return through human aid..My best thinking, my best arrangements cannot alter my belief that I have no reason to be anything but what I am, Daddy was right, that old, really old tape plays in my head..He was right, they all were right, I'll never amount to anything, I am a failure, a nobody going nowhere..I'm going down, MAYDAY, I'm going down! In an effort to pull up on the stick before I hit the trees I decode to go to the Marine Store and get some boat stuff, that always makes me happy..This is the best I can do, no thought of self will run riot spinning my head off my shoulders, no thought of how U have stepped off the Spiritual path and the safety of the Spiritual realm, none of that ..Yes!! The Marine Store..happy fun summer music coming from everywhere, more expensive shiny stuff than anyone could ever need..I'm safe now..I'm reminded of my younger days when you could walk a junkyard of old auto carcases and feel, really feel..Anyway, I ask RODGER with 5YRS of service if there's anything I can buy to clean up dock bumpers that are old and faded, stained from algae. He seems to be the right choice with his red face over weight demeanor..I like fat guys who have to balls to pull their pants up to their navel and tuck their shirt in..They don't care that they look like a circus freak, they're wider that tall, there in touch with their reality and so what or even why bother thinking it's not the norm..They also have slow sideways head movements with a kind of sigh as they process the questions..Anyway I like those kind of people they create security..So, Rodger says they don't have what I need but is curious what kind of bumper I have, what brand? I tell him and his face changes..Not in a bad way just changes..The subtle here stash this under your coat and I'll keep a look out change..He says come with me so I follow him to where the new bumpers are and he reads the tag..( LIFETIME GUARENTEE ). you mean these bumpers are replaceable? guaranteed for life? Rodger says I didn't hear it from him but if I want to just return any bumpers with holes in them and they are replaced..Free of charge, no questions asked..The no questions asked sold me..Then he said most of the guys just use a pocket knife to make a cut..Most of the guys? Now I'm really committed..I am not only getting the hot tip from the  sales clerk but am also following suit as ONE OF THE GUYS..I'm not some lame pathetic alcoholic anymore, I'm not the one who has to pray for everything I do or be directed in thought..I'm not the guy who focuses on everything negative all freakin day and has to turn his will over to the Spiritual world, no not now, not anymore! NOW, I'm one of the guys!..So, as if someone removed my eyesight, I blindly go straight home and cut two surgically precise holes in the dock bumpers, Grissom himself wouldn't figure out this caper..I get a brief flash that I'm not being all too smart but rest assured as other men do it and all I want really is to be like other men..So, I take them to the store and walk up to the manager..I have the confidence of a habitual offender busted again stating to the cops that no, those are not my drugs..Bring on the lie detector, I believe myself, I believe my lie more than I believe in the truth, I'm winning! I am a master of the dark side..Surprisingly the manager hardly even looks up from his desk and says just leave them at the  check out and go pick out two brand new ones! I smile and say thanks trying not to show my excitement. I've done it! I've pulled it off! I get to the cashier and make sure I don't say too much because she could be the over achiever who says hey this looks like a cut mark from a pocketknife? I'm too smart for that as I imagine everything in hindsight and am aware of the he said too much and that was what got him busted ploy..That's my luck, I make it past the camera, the store manager and get caught by the 19 year old cashier..Nope! I'm outta there in my truck and off the property with my two brand new boat bumpers..I drive home thinking , were they $43 a piece or $47, I'm not even sure..times 2..Man I just scored close to a hundred bucks of free stuff..Almost going right through a red light, a loud horn sobers me up..I can't remember being so full of myself. I'm lovin it.I've been dishonest..Everybody does it right? sometimes eh? you gots to take what you can or someone else will..Yup! I'm even noticing a kind of street slang in my voice..I'm the boss.The rest of the day went smoothly really, I was high on myself so I had just about anything justified or at least in my favor..I was strong now, no more dwelling on the past, so what the lawn needed mowing..The neighbors will just have to understand it's not about them anymore. It's about me now and I'm one of the guys..All is well for now...I'll mow it when I'm ready to..Next day I see the bumpers where I left them with the cooler and Lobster trap by the garage. My first thoughts are how I got one over on the store. HEH.. Next day same thing, later as I drove past the Marine store on the way to go grocery shopping I thought of how I got one over on them..How I was the wiser..My finely tuned AA people skills fitting me to a new suit of normalcy. I now hob knob with the normies, I can be sober and feel good by moving my dishonest boundary closer to them and widening my scope..again I am the wiser for this..This was so easy except I am a bit concerned how I am thinking and reminded of my caper..I'm actually thinking about it quite a bit..Too much?The next day I've had enough. I look at the bumpers and think, I've screwed up..I've stolen these bumpers.I took something and by falling off the Spiritual path I once again measure my self esteem by what I think others think or what others would do..I have fallen for anything again..I stand for nothing..BUT HEY! life goes on right? out of sight out of mind? So I manipulated the big corporation, so what? It's not like they can't afford it, those things were over priced anyway..Yeah, that's right, they were over priced anyway..Anyway, the next day I'm angry at the person who stayed an extra two or three seconds in front of me at the gas pumps.. others seemed to be in my way too, I was agitated. I was late for work and lied about some family crisis..It hit me that I don't ever lie about that stuff..At work I was just trudging along with no real purpose, what was wrong with me? Then it hit me like a baseball bat to the back of the head..I prayed in the morning to be the best I can be and then I refused to maintain it and fell on my face..I lied and basically stole the boat bumpers, that led to my anger at the gas pumps as I was making myself pay for letting myself down..I was trying to bring others down to my level, justify myself by finding fault in everyone, I was searching for validation..I had proven myself a failure, I believed it..Oh when I was manipulating I didn't, when I was lying I didn't, but now? now that the people are gone and I'm alone with myself? I see, I am alone with my trains of circumstance..This is how I behave when off the Spiritual path,,The real me? no, say it isn't so.I decide to pray for direction and hope it's not too late..I see DISHONESTY..Yikes! What happened and what am I supposed to do about it now? It's like I'm stuck with guilt and shame..My conduct, my dishonesty..I talk to another and he says don't worry about it, move on..That sounds great but it doesn't work that way for alcoholics like myself, not for the extremist anyway..I may as well have tattooed my conduct on my soul, my only hope is honesty now..I will attempt to fix my dishonesty with honesty and that can only come from one place that I am aware of, The Spiritual realm of all things..It's there I must go for redemption..For humility..I humble myself, I see my dishonest conduct, my dishonest thinking and wish to set matters straight..I may be done with the dishonesty but the dishonesty is not done with me..So I'm thinking cut a deal and just leave money at the store with no explanation? Make a donation to charity? No..I am to pray that I don't do or say anything that would be harmful to others involved..I will approach the manager and ask for a moment in private. I will tell him of my selfishness and describe my dishonesty. I will have the exact money for the bumpers ready and leave it with him with assurance that my selfish conduct will not continue and if possible I would like to continue to frequent his store..More than thet I cannot do..I made a choice, a decision in Step 3..It Is the foundation of my sobriety, it is all of me, the reason I exist..I see myself for who I am today..I watch for selfishness and hopefully recognize it before it becomes a way of thinking I alone cannot overcome..My lesson? Watch for the little things, the little white lies I tell for acceptance..When I plant these seemingly harmless little seeds of selfish I am completely off the Spiritual path..There is no guarantee I will make it back.See you tonight at the Big Book 12 Step meeting and we will continue to learn to live with ourselves sober..

I'm AA Big Book 12 Steps, I follow the Book..Most like myself have been rescued from our hopeless state of mind and body we call Alcoholism..We nolonger doubt, we nolonger argue or debate, we know...We believe.

So, this is the good news! A new freedom and happiness? Willingness to serve those who suffer? Purpose, a reason for living...We are living sober in a not so sober world. We have purpose where others do not, those others rely on us and our faults to provide them with reason, purpose..Without us they are nothing, yet armed with fabricated or arranged gossip and or criticizum they are all powerful..We know this, we know the deal as we have lived it long and hard before we found the AA 12 Step solution..Even today I can fall victim to the belief that if only I manage my life or you, anything really, better I will create my own high self esteem..It's almost laughable how knowing what I know I can still in a moment of Spiritual weakness believe I have the power, me, me only..

Before I realize this is where I fail, there's that moment when the show isn't coming off as expected..Maybe it's some fear of confrontation? Maybe I'm getting the feeling others don't believe me? It's deep, deep in the root system, my self esteem..In short order I am all or nothing, everything I am is on the line..Who will make me or break me this time? Maybe by now I'm just overwhelming myself with that check please!, get me outta here feeling..It's almost like I created it, I wrote the script, but I seem to have forgotten my lines, I've lost my purpose, I can't maintain my selfishness, it's like a dropped call..I feel I should say wait! can you hear me now?..can you hear me now..no.I'm busted..

 

So, here I go, once again back to the Spiritual Path suggested, back to my car seat, my stroller..my self pity that appeared as bread crumbs to begin with leading me to real high self worth, world domination or atleast feeling the strength of making someone else inferior to me..Do I pray for direction and take action? Or let it go at that..Nobodies yelling at me and it appears I'm the only one who is caught so what the hell, move on right? No need for amends or even another thought..Whatever, I'll cut another deal, if nobody knows? nobody cares..I have proven myself an exception to the rule that a solitary self appraisal is insufficient..I'm getting away with my selfishness, I am now recovered..Look! nomore guilt or shame for my conduct I can just meander around life without real meaning and it doesn't even matter to me..I have convinced myself that the pressure of living life sober is off..I'm simply one of the guys.

 

Subtle, oh boy...Give me an inch and damn! I'm off and running..Why not? This is what I see around me most of the time in others? How often do I actually see another Big Book 12 Step power of example? Not enough apparently..I do however see many in recovery who are on a different planet or some different path..Why am I not able to act as they do? They are either behind me and do not understand or in front of me and blocking my view, either way they are not me and in truth nothing even close to what I try to live and call my sobriety..We share one thing that is constantly selfishly distorted and that's the drink problem or abstinence.

 

I ventured out of my 12 Step haven to try to get an idea of what I was dealing with in others who seek to confront their drinking and found a web of discourse..There were people who took AA and butchered it publicly leaving it a mangled display of ridicule. There are those who believe just sitting in a room full of Alcoholics is sufficient recovery and should last a lifetime..I saw seemingly intelligent people getting paid for what the Big Book refers to as a program to be given freely..There were many hurt and disoriented folks who were yet potential Alcoholics fighting to be accepted and their voices heard..But the real teeth kicker was the illusion in the lives of those who were like myself..I expected them to be real, set in stone, recovered like me..It was then that I saw myself, the recovered like me part. It was then I saw my delusion, how I actually believed myself an exception to the rule, any rule..I was at my best still comparing myself to others in an effort to raise my self esteem..At my best I was the producer of confusion to myself, I was creating my own Picasso and as much as I tried I could not understand my own thinking based on the picture of myself I presented....

 

How could this be? Well, for starters I fail to remain convinced that my Spiritual Path suggested in the Big Book 12 Steps is my key to recovery. I still seem to believe at times that the key to life is really in equality, camaraderie, reason, fellowship, people. What people say and do or think is still where I am drawn to. Input, stimulus, information, something to grab onto and arrange to suit myself and believe me when I say, it comes in many forms and from all directions so lets say that people are powerful yes...May as well go one more step and say they are too powerful for me? I'm to weak for them? Here it is again, the blurry line in the sand...I have no choice but to throw up my hands, does it really matter why I am what I am at this point. Do I really believe that some day I will just become smart enough to overcome this sober alcoholic malady? No, not right at this moment anyway..Not even yesterday, not even as a child, no I have limitations and yes I am willing to accept it..

 

I have learned many things in my sobriety, benefited from many good skills to overcome the many obstacles I create by overstepping my bounds..I have also taken my share of hits, spun off the learning curve into the trees..One important cause for a skinned knee or self inflicted black eye is I am not the only Alcoholic in AA, I am not the only copy of the Big Book as once thought..I may find some element of security in Robot Recovery but it is not real, or not the Spiritual Path of understanding and effectiveness suggested anyway...I may have a clear cut play by play in my head with you me and everyone else but to try and convey my thoughts without selfishness? no..Not going to happen without help..I will, left on my own cut and paste thoughts imagined or real, I will arrange thoughts I don't understand to suit me as best I can still unable to see their original intent..Because I lack courage and strength to stand on my own I have no choice but to create myself out of the arrangements you and others provide..It's like I take credit for what I think but what I think came from you and in most cases I'm lacking facts so I am the producer of confusion even though my motives are good just like it says in the Book..

So, the big question..WHY? Is is a disease of the mind? Am I lacking in the basic skills needed to behave? Do I lack the ability to generate rational thought? Do I have a allergy to alcohol? Am I obsessed with rewarding myself with the high flying escape from reality? Do i simply suffer from a Spiritual malady? What? What is it?

Well? As much as I would love to be the Gatekeeper here or atleast offer some plausible reasoning for my failure at life I'm afraid I can't, I am no different than anyone else...I have no idea why I'm like I am no more than I can understand why you are like you are..In other words I have not in my 30 something years of recovery been able to identify the actual problem except to say yes it does exist and it appears to live and breathe in me..This is my great understanding..To define my problem as close as possible I look at the symptoms of the solution I have been fortunate enough to find in Alcoholics Anonymous making me Alcoholic..

 

Now without going into heavy or complicated detail I would like to focus on a few personal setbacks that the solution has proven to identify the problem..The solution to self centered fear has been the (constant) reliance and or surrender to a Spiritual Power simply recognizing no human power including and especially myself have been to date able to overcome my extreme self centered fear....Not understanding the brilliance of other men, not the moral philosophies of those who came before me, nobody..The power to understand and apply the teachings of others as a guideline to life as I see it has not existed once the level of self reliance failure is reached..I know this problem to exist as I pursue the solution as a Spiritual remedy..If I can offer one thing positive it's the Spiritual solution or Spiritual Path suggested is a direct route to identifying the alcoholic problem for me. Nothing else has come close to offering courage and strength to face life successfully more than the so called grace of God..

 

With the willingness to believe that I am a man yes and I do not apologise for God, once I can complete a day in my life with this Spiritual process completely I become aware of the many problems that exist in my own mind and in the difficulties of others as I attempt to communicate on many different levels..When I am Spiritually fit I see pain without the effects, I may see another's resentment and anger, I may see them abuse themselves with such disregard in hopes of some form of satisfaction..As I see them I see them as sick, off center, mal adjusted..I see myself, I too am sick and very capable of such selfish behaviour.In other words the world and it's people including me are not as clearly defined as I would like in truth I really have no idea what others are doing or why..All I have is my own arrangements and although I may be able to Identify their problem I can offer no plausible response unless I myself am in the solution..The solution dictates my basic emotional security, my survival, it is my hope..

 

I have seen the worst in myself, I have been exposed to others horror, I have survived sober. Why? Because I choose to live in the solution that is recommended for those who suffer from Alcoholism. Those who can make an admission of hopelessness and accept Spiritual help and direction. It is then that we can identify the problem with sufficient understanding to continue on. We see the simplistic answer which is all we really need to know to begin to experience progress, real positive progress which many if not all of us had never found available under any conditions.. I'm talking about the Spiritual solution suggested in the Big Book 12 Step process, the path out of the darkness of self, our small world of selfish human misunderstanding..We are now in the solution, the sunlight of the Spirit will keep the path clear to grow in understanding and effectiveness as long as we remain willing..Sticks and stones, words, violence or emotional abuse will not deter us from the solution we have found..We do not argue and search for fault..When we see others join in this negative conduct we understand and do not retaliate..We care enough about ourselves to take care of ourselves today and this awareness is a wave that covers all we see in our new day living in the solution..Nomatter the problem, nomatter the complexity, we know our solution is on our Spiritual Path..We are still alcoholic yes, but we now have the ability to remain unaffected as the world and it's people continue to jockey for position, it is nolonger for us to participate. We are living proof that the answer to the many problems of mankind as in the power of the Spirit..

 

The Power of the Spiritual Solution..I personally spend considerable time with Step 11 upon awakening. Others will say they don't have time in the morning for such devotion. Rather than say well, you're just not serious about your condition and focusing on the problem I don't understand I offer solution, I suggest that they simply get up earlier..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well? For the newbie I guess that sounds like tempting providence..You don't like the AA meeting then just go and start another one right? All you need is a coffee pot and a resentment. Yuk Yuk.

How about for the Big Book Step guy who is really putting the effort into his recovery or doing his best to remain recovered on a daily basis? Why not ask him about your justified resentment? Ask him what to do when you see your AA nemesis parked at the meeting early talking to your peeps.. Why not ask him about the people that are getting in your way, controlling you, not keeping your meeting focused on your beliefs, the true AA Big Book 12 Step method...Ask about all these other people who do not respect your agenda, they may not be clear on who you really are? Why? because he's doing it too..He also has become a extreme example of self will run riot and doesn't think so..Surely with the extensive Step work of yesterdays sobriety he is now an exception to the rule..Or non alcoholic. Drinking is the last thing on his mind..

No, not by a long shot..It's him, the recovered Alcoholic, the Big Book guy with the respect of everyone around him in his group..The one with years of sobriety, the one who has sponsored many..It's him, he has fallen. He has a resentment and it's somehow been justified. He has lost the power of choice and can once again be consumed with deadly resentment? No, he believes it won't hurt him this time as he is the one justified, he is the one with the power.. There may be room for one simple option still, he can pray for direction and humility. No, he has not chosen wisely..He feels he has the power to live with resentment..This power flows in and through him, he is a conqueror, a fighter, finally a real man..His example of power is the envy of all who surround him. He now believes everything he thinks..He is an extreme example of self will run riot, sober. He will take himself and his minions to a better place, a meeting of his liking and if he likes it surely it is best for everyone..

Selfishness self centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles..Hmmm, now how could that manifest itself in my life today as a recovered alcoholic? Could it? Aren't I on the other side? Well, lets look at the record here for myself anyway..I've been in and around Big Book Steps for some 30+ years..Long time yes..In that time I can remember maybe one or two making amends to me for misconduct..Now I have been at times dressed out like a fish by my fellow AAr's yet no amends? Apparently most, if need be rely on the 10th Step of denial..This is where a you ask your buddy God for assistance then after a quick self appraisal no amends are necessary..And especially if it will be humbling because in the great and powerful Big Book Steps, if you are falling from grace grabbing onto anything for validation humility is a sign of weakness unless it has a selfish arrangement..So, who's the producer of confusion? yes it's me...Who believes life would be great if only their arrangements would stay put? me again..Who is the one who needs to be reminded that my Big Book Step work should continue for my lifetime? that's right, me..Still here, when I find some person place or thing unacceptable to me then yes, I'm the one who has the problem..

So my convenient new meeting is actually a place where unresolved issues are painted an acceptable color that is also emotionally pleasing, and my righteousness over rides any selfish self seeking behaviour..I cannot see myself and am blinded by the belief that I am an exception to the alcoholism rule where the defective character traits of others do not apply to me..In other words I'm validated no matter the conditions, I'm right so anyone who is not with me is sick, surely sicker, probably sickest..It doesn't take much for me to validate myself as I focus on their defects....Although it would be difficult to admit, with all my grand experience with the Big Book 12 Steps I am really back at Step 1..I cannot even see my insanity, I'm not even willing to believe..I only see insanity in others, I am a people worshiper and am relying solely on my arrangement of them for my self esteem..I have taken it upon myself to decide what is or isn't Gods will for me today..I believe God doesn't like you. I suffer in resentment, I have been stripped clean of recovery and no longer travel the Spiritual path suggested..

So, what to do? I have such a resentment going that I cannot seem to overcome? I've got no God so I've got to run, it's all I know..Run or fight and I don't have the balls to fight so I'll cut you to shreds behind your back and run for the safety of those I have arranged to meet my needs, provide my emotional security..I cannot even go to my own meeting without being dominated by their presence..I got to get them away from me, somehow, some way..They have to go..Problem is I'm afraid of confrontation..I know? I'll subtly bad rap them with stuff like Hey! they're certainly trying to help others but somethings just not going right in their lives or Yeah, they've been part of the group for years but these days they've drifted into wierd areas of recovery..Something, anything to get my point across which is they're screwed up and I'm ok..Choose me, my side, listen to me, I'm starting a new group and following the real Big Book way, the original way, the historic way, the only way...I know things..Silkworths middle name is Dunkin, hows that for hot AA related information..

It will take a while, sometimes a long while but yes, I will crash, I always do..My arrangement will not stay put as I had hoped, People will retaliate by questioning my confusion, I will try harder as my resentment continues to dominate me but it is inevitable. I will fall from my self imposed grace and be overcome with reality of my thoughts and actions, I will be face to face with my dishonest behaviour..I will have to take responsibility for my guilt and shame, I can no longer keep it hidden from myself..I am caught.....I use the people to raise me up and then I blame the people for my fall..The damn people. Can't live with them, can't live without them..I still am a victim of the delusion that I can be happy if I somehow manage my life better..Why am I the last to know? I wouldn't have a life if it weren't for the Higher Power I humbled myself to, Why am I so quick to throw it away?Why am I in an instant convinced that I have the power to decide who stays and who goes, who lives and who dies..Why do I believe myself God? and a distorted selfish warped God, at that? This isn't even the God I pray to..Or is it? Maybe I know what I'm doing all along and blame God for treating me so badly and in turn this is how I treat others like my father abuses me and I see the power he has so if I abuse others I will feel the same power? I acted just like my father? Now I act just like my God? Damn, I don't like my actions in any of my situations here, I just basically am back to the beginning where I hate myself..

I, they, we, those people...Change is here. I do believe, I am willing to believe there is a power greater than myself that will solve all my problems..Can my God take away my difficulties, every one? Yes, if I still cling to some like resentment or fear I am willing and believe I will be reborn to a new and triumphant attitude in sobriety..My God will allow me to accept responsibility for my thoughts and actions. My God will direct me to better things than I myself could ever force to materialize..

I guess I really do not have to start another meeting, I guess I have ceased fighting anything or anybody, I guess with my own house in order sanity will have returned..I have been consumed with resentment, I have slandered another AA member..I have conducted myself with complete disregard to the new man who is here to find hope..There are amends to make, situations that have had negative impact on others to make right..I feel good, I look forward to going to my group, being a part of my group, being of service to all members of my group..I will get on my knees right now and thank my God that I know him better..I will pray for direction and follow the Higher Powers direction, I am willing to believe, willingness is indispensable, I can see again. In spite of my illness my God has taken me to better things.

Maybe see you tonight at your Big Book Step Group where there's a wrench for every nut in our Spiritual tool box.

 

Whoa..Just when I thought I was going to have to cruise some new meetings out of town for fresh blood she shows up..Too beautiful to be Alcoholic yet there she is at the meeting..Void of problems, no history or buzzing current events to distract us, she doesn't share with the group, she's here for me..How do I make my approach, I must have this..I actually believe she has been sent by God Himself to make me happy, my bonus, my perk for keeping sober one day at a time in AA..They say it keeps getting better and look here, this is as good as it gets..Exactly what I wanted..Of course if she's a free gift then no bother worrying about anything cuz it's all just going to happen, this is great, I don't really have to try as she sees me and we connect..I throw out my line and she nibbles gently as if not used to being this trusting, hmm..Has she been hurt?..I'll save her, I'll give her what she needs..Go ahead and eat, go ahead my beautiful nubian sacrifice..

I approach her in my mind, I tell her to meet me here next week..She understands..

During the week of anticipation I certainly continue my hunt, it's all I know really..I go to meetings read the 12 Steps, enjoy the Fellowship, I'm in AA far enough..I have pissed on most of the bushes around my general AA area of weekly meetings..I see a few girls who are available to me for counsel at the beach parking lot after the meeting but nothing that draws interest, I'm bored with it all, I want the new girl, the one that is my answer to things, my purpose..I'll wait a few more days..

I'm ready, I have a few bucks, a good aftermarket stereo in my truck and my best shirt is clean..What more could you ask for? I've been sober over a year now..I'm living the sobriety dream....

I walk in the meeting hall and yup, there she is just as I knew she would be except for one tiny problem I had not anticipated, she's talking one on one with this woman I know who is all about the Steps and not one to support early AA relationships..I act like I don't see them and assume the worst..I assume she has begun to control the new girl and is suggesting a sponsor or women's meeting, anything to keep her out of my reach..I have an hour and a half to overcome this problem, can I do it? Yes but I need a plan.

Ok, first off don't suggest anything like coffee after the meeting or any type of gathering that doesn't have proper AA written all over it..Say hello to the sponsor gal with my innocent hello I'm only here for the meeting message so she's not a threat..Divide and conquer, that's what I'll do..Get her alone and confident I am only there for her.

I manage it and we're outside talking after the meeting and I suggest a ride by the beach to enjoy the night and our sobriety..I'm smiling, I'm throwing out the lets live and enjoy sobriety vibe blindly in all directions. I can't help but snag her..We're off! To the beach away from the AA meeting, the sponsor types, the women who are all about change and Steps. They're gone, it's me now, you're in my world..

Isn't life grand..The new relationship, the new life, another chance..I have another new mother, grandmother, some sisters and brothers, even a family dog..I have new options too, who's got credit? property, stuff..Who'll help, lend a hand to us, the new couple just starting out and me, the guy who saved their baby from the spiraling lifestyle..I'm sober, I have a job..The package is complete...We are busy and cut back on our AA meetings, we are fine with it as we have eachother and are treated as if we're just a couple of lovebirds by the once skeptical family..The family who has no options really but to go along with us in hopes it's finally the right thing...

 

Weird...As little as I was doing in AA for my own sobriety it still was huge compared to nothing at all, who knew?..I did miss the Fellowship, the chase of the meeting..I guess I didn't realize how much I was searching for something to make me happy, that whole person place or thing talk....Now I was paying bigger rent, buying more groceries, everything was bigger..I thought that if I had a relationship everything would become easier not harder, it's got to be her fault..She's not keeping up with her part..Plus the whole jealousy thing..She has pictures of old boyfriends, pieces of jewelery she wears..When shes talking to her mother I feel like they're comparing me to someone else from her past..I think she's thinking about other guys..

I felt it was time to know everything about her to lock her in , make her mine so I began to quiz her, I'd ask questions that were important like was I the best sex partner and it's ok to tell me if I'm not and tell me who was. Or, Whats the worst thing you ever did in a blackout, you can trust me, I'm your soul mate..So on we went..Me grabbing at anything I felt was controllable and her well? she was moving farther away from me..One day I asked her in my usual full court press what she did that day while I was working..She said that she was with her ex-boyfriend having coffee and then lunch talking about life and stuff..To me she was confiding in someone else? Someone else had control? She loved him more than me to share these intimate details? I came apart piece by piece...First I began to shake as if demons had consumed my body..The I started to spew words that didn't really mean anything but were just as if I was throwing piles of shit at her like, you're a whore, you're just looking to get laid by him, you should get your shit and get out!! Last to go was my Spirit, it was the thing I had tried to hold onto..As she drove away out of sight I felt it leave with her as if in the same car..Moments passed between the I hate you's and please come backs..My Spirit was gone, I was alone, I was nothing, an empty void at the end of the driveway of the house I didn't want to rent with the food I couldn't eat...The end of my AA relationship..

When she left she took the family, the thanksgiving dinner, all that stuff..The brother I never had, the friends who were invited to the cookouts, all of it, the dreams of normalcy, she took it all..The worst was soon to come as in the next few days, word of my demise was widespread around AA. What now? Where could I go now? Nowhere, I was in exile..I had no place to find fellowship, no new people or even the occasional old friend who didn't hear the news as a confidant..I must kill myself, that's it...I'll kill myself.

Then it happened, my moment of truth, the willingness..the beginning..a new day for me...

My old sponsor who I had neatly evaded some months back stopped by to say hello..I answered the door in a scruffy beard and underwear..I was a mass of self pity, depression, self destruction..I was everything a hopeless alcoholic was except drunk..I had put down the drink but was unwilling to let go of the people..I was under the delusion that if I did what I saw others doing I would get the same results except I didn't understand the results..I thought everything was automatic, like you get together you automatically get married..You have children and they are a happy family..I had no idea I had to mature along with everyone, I thought it all just happened...Damn. I thought just not drinking was enough...

So before I did die, before I completely gave up I became willing, willing to believe..That led to being willing to make a decision, willing to write, willing to surrender..That became a willingness to accept, a willingness to clean up and take responsibility, a willingness to monitor myself...In the end it was all about a willingness to serve, to be of service to those who like me are so far gone they are left with nothing but a shred of willingness. We are the survivors, the living breathing sober alcoholics.

We came to AA and for the most part made a bigger mess than we ever did drinking..We proved to ourselves that we were alcoholic and the bottles were only symbols.We were the ones described in the Big Book who 's only hope was a psychic change and the only direction was the Spiritual path suggested..There we found the willingness to believe, the purpose and above all the answers to why we were like we are..

See you tonight at the Big Book Step meeting and we'll work on ourselves so we have something to offer in our relationships and not simply looking to take...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking...THIS is probably the most misunderstood manipulated piece of AA wording I've ever heard..How many times have I heard the defensive war cry from those who are fine with doing absolutely nothing in their AA recovery say, hey! I do what's best for me! I take what I need and leave the rest! The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. I don't have to do any 12 Steps if I don't want to..I'm here for the Fellowship or from the Drug Courts....I've heard this way more than alot, it is almost the norm..What are they saying? Why the gross misunderstanding?

OK, crash course in AA here, all AA..Not some one sided view I arrange to validate myself as a Big Book Thumper, no need for it..This is from AA and directed toward all AA...

First off I have to assume the reader has some knowledge of the Big Book, the basic text as it is suggested to read this upon entering the halls. They have read it, atleast some of it like How it Works and such..If not followed suggestions toward the Spiritual psychic change, the 12 Steps..Great! so lets begin with Selfishness, a word we are soon to become familiar with..Lets say or agree with the Big Book that selfishness is one of the root causes of Alcoholism..Agreed..Especially the new man who is running on selfishness and sometimes selfishness alone to support his fear..

So myself included here, what I see, hear, touch, feel, assume, theorize, predict, whatever, around me I interpret through selfishness if I am an untreated Alcoholic..At my best this selfishness is neutralized through a Spiritual daily reprieve..So I does make perfect sense that the only requirement line is from a selfish standpoint anyway.. defensive right? selfish = defensive, fear? Right?... got it..So what flag to wave when I am feeling emotionally insecure, vulnerable? Hey! I'm doing all that I am expected to do everybody, And that is fulfilling my agreement to stop drinking, I am a member of AA..I am now a member of AA and there's nothing anyone can do about it so piss off. This attitude is a problem..For one thing it is not true.

Before I get into more storytelling lets look at it from AA's point of view..Lets read it as if we are not selfish extremists..It reads the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, fine..That means drinking is the issue here..AA is for those who desire to stop drinking, it is not for those who desire to stop anything else, for membership anyway..Drinking, thats it..Alcoholics Anonymous not Anythings Anonymous..Whats the primary purpose? To serve the man who suffers from Alcoholism, not Anything-ism, ALCOHOL-ism...

But wait! what about all the other ailments and emotional malady's surrounding the Alcoholic? What about the dual diagnosis, the mental health issues or the drug addicts or food addicts, clutterers, sex freaks, there's a mass influx of people in trouble searching for what they seem to feel is emotional sobriety in AA'S 12 Steps..Do we turn them away? That's not the loving tolerant view the 12 Steps suggest, not at all..Well? again here, lets look at what AA has to say..AA says you can't make an alcoholic out of someone who doesn't have a problem with alcohol..Makes sense so what now? Well, drug addicts for the most part have had difficulty with alcohol and if abstinence is requires for sobriety will undertake the 12 Step lifestyle without mind altering substances..If they wish to believe themselves an exception to this rule then Narcotics Anonymous is strongly suggested..If they cannot meet the AA membership requirement of a willingness to stop the drink then they are not considered AA members.They can also forget Harm reduction techniques...Again, the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking..Step 1..Once this is established as the new mans reason for membership and the new man follows through with the rest of the 12 Step program all other types of emotional defective self destructive thoughts and ideas, even actions will be placed in the balance..First things first, the alcohol problem..To become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous the new man must have a desire to stop drinking..This gets him in the door and meets the requirements for the rest of the AA program to take hold..It is not to be used as an excuse to do nothing and continue to validate yourself in a warm seat..This attitude is extremely selfish and has no positive effect on AA as a whole..These self serving AA wannabes are producers of confusion to everyone while they themselves believe their motives are good..Basically they are allowed to not follow the directions..It will probably never change..

 

Over eaters or Bulimic sufferers who wish to seek Spiritual help with the suggested 12 Sep work are also encouraged to do so just not as AA members..They can create special interest groups not allied with AA.. Many can be helped who make use of the Spiritual principles suggested..Smoking? Anything really, it's an open door..Take what you want there's nothing to steal, it's free..The Spiritual path is free to all men..

 

But I'm not here for smoking or over eating or heroin and the like..I'm here for alcohol abuse and this is Alcoholics Anonymous..When I approach the doors of AA I am met with another who understands the Alcoholic dilemma, an Alcoholic..One who has been to the hopeless Alcoholic hell I can identify with and come back a free man through the teachings of the AA 12 Step program of recovery with a sole primary purpose of helping me if he can and I am willing..The over eater will not do, the clutterer will not do, the Alcoholic is there for me..He has met the only requirement for AA membership, the desire to stop drinking..

So, when I go to AA who do I meet? I can meet just about anyone from anywhere looking for help from anything..AA is generally open to all who seek help, all are welcome to sit drink coffee and listen..When I go to a closed meeting? We are Alcoholics only, members only..We meet the only requirement of AA membership, a desire to stop drinking..We are not alone, we uphold AA's Primary Purpose..

 

Hey, maybe see you tonight at the AA meeting..If you are Alcoholic and are in need of help I will be there with my experience of what it was like as a suffering Alcoholic, what happened when I became a member of AA and what it is like today living as a sober Alcoholic who has recovered..

 

 

Having had a Spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, hmmm...Is it just the Steps that mention God? or is it all of them, all 12..Is it the willingness of Step 2? How about the admission of hopelessness in Step 1? Maybe the process or taking action as a whole..In How it Works the Book says rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path, like, the Spiritual path? Later when it says both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of Spiritual progress? So, the Spiritual awakening begins way back for me and ends where, with the new man? Makes sense..Having had a Spiritual experience as a result of these Steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics..Got it...The Spiritual awakening begins when I walk through the door, I am willing to stop drinking and see myself as Alcoholic..

When I got here this last time I didn't believe in God really but I was willing to believe in something, I was open to options definitely as I wasn't doing very well on my own..Was I powerless? over alcohol? sort of...Everytime I was around it I didn't have to obsessively force it down my throat but more than not I would chose drinking over anything else like work, family, personal important stuff, didn't matter..I guess you could say that I couldn't make rational choices when it came to alcohol..ok, sure, powerless...I guess good bad or indifferent this was the first time I saw something besides myself will..Willpower. I didn't know if I had too much or not enough, I only knew that my reliance on my own will wasn't working to solve the drink problem..

Came to believe? Yes..I became willing to believe that a Spiritual power greater than myself was needed to stay sober..No human power no matter how strong seemed to help like a warning the wife will leave? fired from the job? stuff like that..Even moving to a different town with new people, still eventually I fall back to my old self where I am drunk and don't really know how it all got so out of hand..So I become open minded basically overnight..I'm asking this Higher Power to keep me away from a drink and it's working, I'm actually sober for days in a row..I'm going to AA meetings everyday sure but still sober just the same..I believe the Higher Power thing is working for me..Plus, I'm feeling more connected to AA like I'm safe for now in the halls..

Decision time..Step 3. Well I understand the abc's or 3 pertinent ideas. I am alcoholic with a severe management problem, human power nomatter who's directing won't fix it, the Higher Power or God of my understanding can if I'm willing to take action..This is certainly a big Spiritual Step..The only problem I can see is that it says although the 3rd Step decision was vital and crucial it wouldn't last too long unless I got down to causes and conditions of my illness or basically write a thorough moral inventory..Ok, so this 4th Step plays a big part also in my Spiritual Awakening?..When I'm done with it , done writing about myself in my self centered fear, my sex conduct, my selfishness, how I abuse myself and others with resentment, after all that I see myself for who I really am? Ok then..

Step 5, now this is obvious right? Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs..Well? I basically am ready to let my God know that I know..I have seen myself and will admit my conduct to another like myself as a witness..No self appraisal, no mumbling, just come right out and humble myself..I am no better or worse than anyone, I just am an alcoholic who wants to get over it.. I am willing that my God should have all of me good and bad, everything..I am willing to perform my Higher Powers work to the best of my ability so I may best serve the man who suffers with the answer that I am living..I am willing to keep on the Spiritual path and keep my own house in order..I pray for courage and strength to keep strong by the will of my God as I perform his work on the firing line of life..I must certainly have a Spiritual Awakening by now?

I have changed, isn't that enough? Now I need to go out into the world with my emotional dust pan and broom? Clean up my messes the best I can? I'll need God for this one for sure so I guess I'm still growing in understanding and effectiveness..God direct me to what you would have me be, don't let me become selfish, direct my words so I don't hurt myself any longer and make others pay for it....Hello, I was selfish, hello I was dishonest, hello I was full of self centered fear, hello, hello...I did it! I can go anywhere I want to now, nolonger bound by my alcoholic conduct of years past, I'm a free man....

Hmm, Spiritual Awakening..Not yet? ok, so now I'm going to be a big boy and monitor my own behaviour with Step 10..I'm ready.At first I'm getting caught and praying for direction right away then talking or humbling myself to another but then I seem to begin to actually watch for the selfishness and fear..If I try to keep Spiritually fit I see it coming, I see myself in situations I shouldn't be in before they happen..This is great, it's like I can actually stay out of trouble sort of, to some degree anyway..I'm finally growing up maybe..I don't have it down pat yet so I am open to Step 11, yeah..More Higher Power!..I begin my day with my Higher Power by reading upon awakening out of the Big Book and end my day with when we retire at night..I'm quick to see my self will when I am agitated or doubtful and immediately pray for corrective measures so I can be of maximum service to my Higher Power and the man who suffers from Alcoholism..I really can't deny at this point that I have had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of these Steps..It is quite clear.

So am I capable of carrying the message of Spiritual recovery outlined in masterly detail in the Big Book? I believe I am, I am capable of keeping my own house in order on the Spiritual Path outlined in the Big Book 12 Steps..I have had a Spiritual Awakening sufficient to bring about a psychic change with the depth and weight needed to overcome Alcoholism..

Maybe see you at the Big Book Step meeting tonight.

 

 

 

Sitting and listening to the recovery around the room was a bit disappointing for me..I was looking to take or steal some emotional security, so nobody was meeting my needs, saying what I wanted to hear. People fight a thief, they don't give it up easily..Call it selfish? call it selfcentered? call it survival, I was feeling the power of the Book Steps once again as I was supporting myself or validating myself with high points of my yesterdays sobriety..Once again I felt alone at an AA meeting and relied on my delusion. I wouldn't say I was full of myself, it was more like I searched for good memories when I had purpose and a willingness to serve the new man with guidance in the Big Book Steps..Back when I was somebody, why don't I feel the same way now? Am I no longer somebody? Well, I guess I'm Spiritually weak, I guess I'm once again relying on people, I have cut deals, will I ever learn that sitting here quiet in my head may not expose me to others but it does keep me self centered.

The reading was on Working with Others(Step 12)..Initially I felt good and sat down for what I looked forward to being some good old 12 Step experience that would mirror mine in my best days..I had the best of me and waited for the best arrangements of others..I waited..I felt like I was a part of something good, real..I was thinking the Book was written to 12 Step me with Bill's story first like an alcoholic introducing himself by sharing a bit of his drinking and living history same as suggested in Step 12..The Book was 12 Stepping me..Then moving on to There is a Solution and More about Alcoholism as if we were sitting in my driveway after the ride home from the meeting when I asked for sponsorship and guidance..Then with We Agnostics no different than if my trail guide spoke of the Spiritual feature freely and How it Works where he laid out the 12 Step Spiritual program of recovery he himself had and does experience each day..I was a part of something that worked, AA works for sobriety, it's a design for living I am living right now..I rallyed my thoughts. I told myself I seem to have found the explicit Book of directions..I felt good inside as I created my own emotional security, like a man with purpose, a man willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I was a Big Book Sponsor..Why am I so alone? I feel like I'm the only alcoholic here?

Yeah it's a bit of self pity, yeah it's a bit of self centeredness, no I haven't asked for guidance to be directed to what the Higher Power would have me be..I guess it's because I don't want to know why. I don't want to see myself and others anymore, it's too heartbreaking, it's too hard, i'm sick of doing all the work..I'm so self centered I'm taking everything personal..I can't look but if I was going to sit there without drifting into resentful thinking trying to arrange the room to meet my needs I had to do something now, so I did. I reluctantly began to pray to my God to remove my resentful manipulative thinking and direct me to better things and let me see myself If I have to so I may grow in understanding..First I was fine with just getting back to the person who sat down looking forward to the meeting as this seemed to be my point of failed self reliance but then I knew there was more to it and the fact that I couldn't identify it right away didn't mean it wasn't there so willingness showed itself, my ride was here..I got in and buckled up. I needed to go back, back before the meeting started..What was I thinking.

I had sat through a absolute chaotic discussion meeting a few days earlier where the topic was basically the winter, depression, it's cold and gets dark early so it's an easy time to drink..My tolerance level was low, I felt I could say things or offer solution from the teachings of the Big Book Steps and people would just understand without actually doing the work themselves..I would pass on my knowledge and experience and they would benefit. My self knowledge with all it's good intention would fix it..No, that didn't happen..I went on for 5 minutes about God and the solution found in the 12 Steps and the next guy said he was really depressed that he had to go to work in the dark..I felt like everything I said was on deaf ears, I was too important....I had all I could do to see myself in the man and understand but it was a close one..I was bordering on arranging others understanding so I myself would be pleased or in control..I'm lucky I didn't bad rap him after the meeting to atleast get a little self esteem shot in the arm..I was on thin ice..

I found myself pummeled with negative response when I replied to a post on agnostics in Toronto AA..My reply wasn't anything aggressive of even harsh, I didn't want to fight I did however want to stand up for myself by pointing out a few things in the Big Book of AA that were written and codified long before I got here..I said if you come to AA and seek recovery as in the program of recovery a Spiritual path is suggested..Like the rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path or both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of Spiritual progress, that path..Out came the usual only requirement for membership crowd and the take what you need and leave the rest people in force..Now by sharing the text I am a know it all self serving bastard who has no idea what he's doing as he parrots the Big Book..Damn, usually I expect to be hammered by those who lack the AA solution as it is written but this time I was hurt, I couldn't take the hit..I gave them my power, I was in trouble..I think I actually threw some sarcastic remark back to get control and make them look bad in my mind anyway..I had a short blast of argument and faultfinding and it was enough as I think I thought about what I had done for a few hours after..Also I wanted to believe myself the victim, they hurt me so my conduct didn't matter, no reason to clean up something that I had myself convinced was not my fault like I was better than them..This sure was looking different now as I look back....

Lately the influx of people in AA on meds had me going like, I know better than them..Well? even if I did know better it still would only pertain to me, I would argue with myself while driving alone home from the meeting...It was one after another with their most alcoholics are Bi-Polar spiel unchallenged..The see me after the meeting if you want to know what I learned about myself at the therapist tune on the flute..In other words forget the whole 12 Step work writing surrender work with others one day at a time, come get on meds and just go to talk therapy, then bring it here to AA so none of us have to do any work..By the way it's a disease and would you pray to a higher power to remove cancer? That ridiculous comment always locks in the inexperienced..Anyway I sit and listen to people put the Big Book Steps on the back burner..They are Addicts with a disease first and receive their mental health meds and therapy then they come to AA and hang around the warehouse until their next outpatient visit..AA has become a place to talk about your day using your medicated mind to validate your previously unmedicated mind..Spiritual concepts are just code words to get you in the door, they don't mean anything..Did you ask for help? Oh yeah of course I did, ok you can pass....

Lately for some of the oldtime chosen few Big Book Thumpers, the reality of Hyannis Big Book Steps has reared it's ugly head once again as if it's the first time, leaving one particular sick chew toy in pieces at the bottom of the wall he hit..A sacrifice of sorts..I am just glad it's not me this time but anyway..He hit it hard, caught in his own snare that of course none of us could ever imagine with our ain't nothin the matter here ma squeaky clean stage presentations..Now I myself have never cared to involve myself with the particular burn victim as I'd witnessed his illness first hand some 30 years ago with no change but I have to say the conduct of the others who laugh and dance around the fire with glee in hopes of his demise makes me sick..These are people I got sober with that read the same Big Book I do and follow the same format more or less..I have to say I felt my foundation shake when I was told about the new secret meeting that was to separate everyone from the crash test dummy that hit the wall..So I guess all AA is well except this guy, we ceased fighting anyone or anything except him, he doesn't apply to the Big Book Step code we all follow by being of service to the man who suffers, with him I guess it justified resentment, it's personal...I'll tell ya what it is, it's sad. We may as well join in saying we all agree there is no God.

 

Hmm, so I see myself with a weak foundation, my security is affected and I scramble for strength from the Higher Power..I myself have been through some freaken ruff times and continued to rely on the power of the Spirit making it through without mental health meds so I'm threatened at what I have no control over in others, still the people worshiper....The whole Agnostic thing is really no different than I believe as I know it's more about denying Religion than anything else and I am not Religious but pray constantly some days to my concept of the Spiritual realm of existence, an all powerful guiding force..I know when I go to discussion meetings I get cranked up but I keep trying as if I'm supposed to be perfect in all life situations especially in ones AA has to offer, this is nuts..I'm Big Book Steps, I know where I belong, I belong on the firing line of life with an attitude of service not an attitude of judgement and faultfinding..I really have no business at a discussion meeting, what do I have to discuss anyway? If I can't or am not completely willing to see these people as having just as much right to be here as I then I'm not Spiritually fit and it is nonsense trying to make it their problem..So, I guess it's still true, it's not everybody else, it's me..I'm the alcoholic that can change. They may be also but it's not for me to decide for them..My willingness if for my change and their acceptance not to accept myself and change them.

 

So, my conduct has sucked out my energy, I'm tired, confused..Burnt out arranging life to suit me, this heavy going of life, cutting small deals here and there until I'm completely self will run riot in cleverly concealed denial...Thinking I know whats best as a way to create my security and self esteem..Thinking I'm finally normal..None of this is new thats what is so baffling. Atleast I can see it now. If I do and think as others do I get the same apparent result? Knowing what is apparent to me may not be what is their reality at all, this is a beginning, a good honest start back to the Spiritual Path...Stop thinking I know everything, just stop. Surrender.

I see myself and pray for my Higher Power to remove my selfishness and take me to better things that I may serve my God and those who suffer from Alcoholism..I pray to recognize my primary purpose with understanding and effectiveness, to feel the Great Effect, to know who I am and my purpose. My reason for living, why I was reborn.

I feel much better already.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've been getting hit hard lately with the fairytale wishy washy I'm a supernatural believer in aliens, God references..Basically, if it's not science it's kid stuff..We're here and the only requirement is a desire to practice harm reduction ...I'm not looking for too much trouble it just seems the mention of AA's Spiritual program can arouse the go all out for the juggler to defend ourselves crowd..I kind of get it but not to the extreme these people defend their right to rely on their own best thinking, I simply could never do it..So I am not valid?..So I can't share my experience with a Spiritual Program of recovery laid out in masterly detail in the AA text Book Alcoholics Anonymous without feeling like a religious zealot? I need to say yes I am alcoholic and yes I am in the program of recovery but no I am not on the Spiritual path it suggests? I have to make sure I don't offend anyone who doesn't believe, we are all equal nomatter why, we just are because..Don't let them see you smiling?..Just doesn't seem fair..Like the world is fair.lol...Poor me, nobody listens to me...nobody knows who I am..poor thing all alone in the Big Book Steps..I'm the Maytag repairman of AA..The loneliest guy in the meeting..Why won't the rest of the world just behave? Don't they know my motives are good?

 

I got to say, as far as I'm concerned, from my own experience, If you ask me, it's a God program and although it really doesn't supposedly matter as I have recovered, I don't think I am the only one who believes this..There, I said it..God, Higher Power, Spiritual concepts , no human power could relieve my alcoholism, God I offer myself to thee,The purpose of this Book is for you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem, Sought through prayer and meditation, Having had a Spiritual awakening, we let God be the final judge, References to willingness to believe is everywhere it's almost on every page..Why then would anyone simply show up, sit down next to me, say they are a member of AA and deny the Spiritual path?Actually, some do it for years, go on and stay sober without God.. I just don't get it, I mean nothing wrong with staying sober without God at all but in AA? The documented Spiritual program of recovery? Whats up?..Like asking someone for a ride because you yourself don't believe in cars..

It seems as if willingness to believe is the same as willingness to not believe..It's still willingness..Trying to deny it or talk someone out of their willingness is usually a waste of time especially with the alcoholic who is an extreme example of self will..So I guess when another is on the attack in hopes of validation at my expense or stealing emotional security from me I should just give it up? Apparently so..We ceased fighting anyone or anything even alcohol for sanity will have returned.Or do I cease fighting anyone because I'm afraid of confrontation....Does this make me weak and pathetic not wanting to muster the courage to defend myself? No, it means I see my attacker as sick and doing their best to manipulate their own self worth by bringing me down below them..The old they're superior to me, I'm screwed up and they're ok..Seeing this conduct and watching for my own selfishness and wanting to retaliate usually wakes me up and I know better than to get involved, it's that simple..These people are sick and no different than I am capable of being so now that with all my Step Work I have a choice? I choose to keep moving thank you..I choose to keep with my decision, my Spiritual decision..God grant me the courage and strength to maintain my primary purpose. To seek courage on the Spiritual path so I may be of service to the suffering alcoholic as I am willing to practice the Spiritual principles in all my affairs..

I got up this morning a little shell shocked by some early morning fear, fear of financial insecurity to be specific..Now my first choice while laying there was to think about how my mortgage was just money borrowed from a legal loan shark and that drifted to my truck I still owe on that's basically a newer style of junk..I wanted to buy new carpet for my living room last night but really couldn't afford it..So anyway Step 11 suggests asking God to direct my thinking upon awakening I know..I just thought I was strong enough to handle a bit of life's reality there but instead fell into a semi depression over how I'm simply a looser and I probably will never amount to anything adding weight and more weight to my already unsteady emotional security..It only lasted a few minutes and I got the hint from the blast of self centered fear and selfish thinking that I was on the wrong track, as an alcoholic trying to live sober by following the Big Book 12 Step program of recovery anyway..

So I ask God to direct my thinking and feel immediate relief..I think for a minute what would it be like to deny my God for the day, how far that would get me..I don't think I could do it, oh maybe for a day or even a few but eventually I'd need to shut it down with something, maybe the woman who understands? how about making my self esteem spike with a new boat? no it would probably be alcohol..I'd do what I do best, get drunk and live back safe in my delusion waiting for someone to save me from myself...

Anyway, I'm on to something now and although others do not share the same willingness to believe as I do I am not deterred..I know that everybody may be this or that and whatever but me? I know what I am..I'm an alcoholic who has proven time and again is beyond human aid..My hope for the hopeless is the Spiritual program of action, the Big Book Steps..

As the day goes I may feel agitated ,I may become doubtful, I may think others are right and want what they offer..I may even at times forget who I am and want to suck some of the emotional security from others or worship people for some instant gratification after all I am not a saint right? Well, lets not forget I am willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness and as flawed as I may be I am still willing..

 

Maybe see you tonight at the meeting and be willing to learn our way about the Spiritual Path well. Let me be able to keep my own house in order so I can show the new man my Spiritual approach.

 

I'm sitting in a Big Book AA meeting and it goes around the room and each reads a paragraph and either passes or comments..Nothing new or challenging that's for sure..Typical really..I do notice willingness, everyone is at a meeting and willing to be sober, that's all to the good. How they stay that way after the meeting is over well, that's anyone's guess..My guess is fellowship, stick around close to people and find security and camaraderie there..Don't venture out too far alone, you'll be defenseless against the first drink if of course you are of the hopeless variety or according to the Big Book, real alcoholic..I am.

So, whats the deal here? The reading is all over the 4th Step yet no one comments. I see this as a sad waste of recovery but ask myself why instead of jumping to my own conclusion..The reading on Step 4 in a room full of 40 or so self admitted Alcoholics and nobody can identify with any of it? This is not good..I am wondering why? So like everything else in and around Alcoholism in the Book I decide to ask for direction and look at selfishness and fear which as usual is probably at the bottom of it...

My first hint was when it was my turn to read and share..I think I was reading about( returning to our list again putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done we resolutely looked for our own mistakes). Now I gave a quick history of my experience with turning around my resentments in my 4th Step and damn if I didn't notice change jingling, chairs moving and low chitter chatter..I thought why was this? Weren't these people there for the Book? And if they were and some actually had experience with it wouldn't that be a good thing? No, I'm sadly mistaken..I forget that if you haven't done the work you probably don't know and are still bound by selfishness and self centered fear..So, I'm looking around the room and see some clarity, I see many who are willing to stay sober yes, many who are willing to read about it and control the outcome but few that are open to follow directions and risk taking action..The man with experience is only as good as those who are willing to listen and with a room full of selfish self centered untreated alcoholism there aren't many..Actually most of them are pissed that others may have something they themselves don't or at least cannot arrange to suit themselves..Recovery shakes the foundation of selfishness, I get it. Most are unable to do anything but grab on tight to what they have even if it is harmful and they know it..That sense of security in the familiar talked about in the Book..

 

So I sit there and listen to the Big Book Step program with it's masterly directions laid out to undergo a psychic change sufficient to overcome Alcoholism butchered into each individuals safety zone of recovery, Bobs Anonymous, Sues Anonymous, on around the room..We read on about fear and someone says yes they have fear..We read past fear to sex and there's hehe's and tee- hees ,everyone cocky with fear trying to be funny and find acceptance in their own game of cover up..I'm asking the Higher Power for guidance as I'm about to be sick..

So whats the difference? What is going on at the Big Book Step meeting that's so different? Well? for one thing people are there generally because they want whats in the Book...They are open minded to hope and change..They read and are willing to see what before was only blindness..They want to be there and are willing to follow the Book, it is no longer a tool to be used to create camouflage it is a Bright beacon of hope that will lead the way..The Big Book Step crowd is generally willing to listen and at least be open to another's wisdom and experience without forming a self-centered defence..So, I guess if you want to get it and get it as fast as you can? Go to Big Book Step..If you want to get information and continue on your own way go read the Big Book..Those of us who know, the Big Book is a process of directions to be followed specifically, not a fine read to be discussed and debated..To simply read and hope to apply can be painfully slow, The 12/12 is for that..The Big Book Steps are for taking action..

 

The Spiritual thing? Wont that be enough? Can't we all just follow Jesus? Shouldn't we head right for the safety of the top dog? Well? I don't' know. AA Big Book Steps are not a Jesus program although they do follow and suggest many Christian principles..The one they leave out is that there is only one God unless you pick up on the grey area which many do..(that one is God may you find Him now)..They who wrote the Book are very specific when describing God..God when mentioned at any point in the Book refers to the readers own conception of God..Jesus is fine but so is Buddha or a Spiritual power underlying the totality of all things, for instance..Willingness is key and that willingness is certainly more pronounced at a Big Book Step meeting..The Spiritual path, focus, no human power can relieve youre Alcoholism..So sitting in a room full of people listening to each with their own opinion on life before and after alcohol is probably not going to amount to much, again , the necessary power is not there to carry the alcoholic out into life and will usually be best suited for the meeting only or the interaction brought on afterwords..Lets face it here, the 12 Steps are basically a way of life without using people for our emotional security, we rely on a Spiritual Power greater than ourselves for that now..We have found the courage and strength to go out and be participants in life, have purpose, meet the needs of others like ourselves that have and continue to suffer..We are AA, we are not simply a warehouse for the mentally ill..

So what now? Am I alone on the outside unable to join in the reindeer games? Am I producing more confusion than anything positive? Am I simply a narcissistic ego driven pompous ass? Not sure, that would depend on me and my motives..If I have an honest desire to seek understanding and grow in effectiveness with my Higher Power then I'm sure I will know first hand that my own effectiveness with the new man relies on my ability to be a power of example rather than a example of power..How? is this done especially when the room feels as if it's against me and I myself would love to retaliate and prove myself an exception to their judgement, I'm feeding right into it and willing to jockey for control..What do I do when I fall below this Spiritual standard I have set in place..Leave? run away? soak my head? tell myself that they're all screwed up and I'm ok? Find something wrong with everyone there so I feel better about myself? No, not today.

 

I see myself for who and what I am. I see that I too am capable of worshipping people, revolving my sobriety around the thoughts and opinions of others..I too am capable of becoming Spiritually sick relying on selfishness to pull me through my self centered fear..What to do? Leave the meeting and never go back, telling others how screwed up it is in hopes of stealing some emotional security from the endless pool of like minded selfish bastards in and around my life? Pull out the sarcasm ? Is that how I want to live? After all it is my choice here. I do have a choice this time, I've made a decision, I have an option. I can surrender to the Higher Power and pray for guidance, pray for direction, this can be done, this is my new found option that in my previous life could never have materialized..I'll do it, I can do it, right now...

 

So I get up in all my self centeredness and sashay over to the men's room and lock the door..I get on my knees and put my hands together in my act of surrender, prayer..I hear them faintly outside the door still going on about sex and what the hell does that have to do with Alcoholism with their snickers nudges and winks. .I am willing and get the signal, I remember why I'm here. I remember who I am..I fell into it just as everyone else but now I am back on the path, I am greatly relieved...I feel better and am amazed once again that in spite of how low I may go my willingness to believe the Higher Power will take me to better things works, all those who were effecting me have vanished.. I am no longer a part of the problem, I am now back where I belong in the solution..I see them and myself as sick and why wouldn't they feel the way they do, I know if not for the work done in the Book I would be the same as them..Scrambling for validation, self esteem..I have admitted my wrongs honestly and am willing to set my defective conduct straight..

So I go out for the rest of the meeting and am kind of surprised I didn't just take the easy route and leave..I sit back down and notice the next guy talking is open minded to anything really, he says he's in trouble and admits he knows nothing about the Big Book Steps or anything else. I see this as an opportunity to get out of myself and be of service..The meeting ended and I approached the man offering my phone number and talk..We chit chatted about him and me and Spiritual concepts followed by the how and why of the 12 Steps..The chapter on Working with Others stuff, more or less..We decided to meet again and do some reading together..I left feeling good. I had come to a AA meeting and become selfish and self centered, I paused and prayed for direction and became aware of my conduct. I then was willing to have the Higher Power take me to better things..I came to make a friend..

AA works if I work it..I must remember the Alcoholic in the grips of his illness even without the alcohol is very sick, I know this to be true first hand..Today I have done the Step work, I do the Step work today, today I am the Step work first..I am responsible to keep my own house in order that I may be of service to those who suffer..If not then I am worse off than the man who knows nothing..I am worse off than ignorant, I am dangerous. I know everything about everything except when to shut up.

 

So hey, see you tonight at the discussion meeting I go to and maybe we can discuss the Big Book. Maybe the open speaker meeting will speak about the Book?..I will try to keep my own house in order so I don't have to find a Big Book Step meeting to see and hear the documented directions to Spiritual understanding and effectiveness, the AA program of recovery is portable, it is everywhere I am...

 

 

I'm alive and good, I've been sober in AA for many years. The promises in Step 9 are no longer out of reach and fragmented, some days are as clear as the day I'm in..Practicing these principles in all my affairs, Hmm..Principles..I do pray enough so the Spiritual path is seen as a working part of my mind..I see my selfishness many times these days before it has a chance to develop. I am constantly reminding myself I am no longer running the show..With these few disciplines I am generally honest, trustworthy, willing to give, willing to share, capable of keeping a confidence...I support myself emotionally and rarely need the security of others to boost my self esteem, I'd have to say I'm not doing too bad in light of the calamity surrounding alcoholism. I am grateful.

Now , going out in life, oh boy...here we go. Argument, faultfinding, debate, disagreements,morals, convictions, religion, other AA concepts, other recovery concepts, work, competition? am I good enough? can I do it? Can I do it without my fear of confrontation showing it's ugly head? Can I do it without convincing myself I can't...Yes, AA and the 12 Step process laid out in masterly detail in the Big Book can work, it will work, it's working now..Do I believe? yes I believe..Will I offer myself to the benefit of those who suffer? yes..Well? then I have recovered, I am recovered. God direct me to what you would have me be..

 

Even though I no longer smoked I'd loiter around the butt can talking to the new guys, one night and this guy asks me for help, he's seen me around and wants me to sponsor him in the Big Book Steps..He's obviously on some heavy meds but is willing to explain himself to me so, I see this as honesty, his capacity to be honest..He seemed like he was sincere so I agreed to go as far as he would and we began..About a year later he was at Step 9..He had done lots of things I didn't agree with but I wasn't his life coach or his mother, I was his Step Sponsor..This time he didn't want to do any amends because he heard that this should continue for his lifetime and to go and start now is an act of self-will according to his open young people group buddies..Now if he was into some kind of religious conviction maybe I would go for it but he wasn't. He just didn't want to face his mess he had made in his past..I thought but, in his turn arounds back in the 4th he was willing to set matters straight, we had discussed it, but actually no..He wasn't..He had been heavily medicated all along. Some of the crucial areas of his recovery where humility and Spiritual surrender were concerned he relied on the drugs instead..I didn't talk down to him, I just said ok and let him go..I encouraged him to find someone who was better suited to meet his needs..I saw him a few months later and he looked the same, gave me a smile..I took this as he was ok..

Another time I was Sponsoring maybe 10 guys. The Big Book Step meetings as I knew were relatively new and I was in high demand as I had jumped in with both feet early on..This one guy was weak on the 5th Step..I'm there to witness, listen..I'm not there to judge as this Step is really between him and his God so he's reading and reading and I'm just listening..He was fine with seeing his defective character, thorough in that area but weak in humility almost like he left the big issues out so I asked why there was no this or that? Not that this or that was a requirement for a mans life but I'd heard some 5th's already and there were seemingly some common denominators that were missing in his..He said not to worry as he had done all of that serious guilt and shame stuff with a counselor..Now that's fine I guess but the fact I had been Sponsoring him everyday for over a year at this point and didn't know he was seeing a counselor the whole time was strange..I watched him date everyone around and work with alot of guys..He is quick to tell others of his experience with me and the Steps, how I was the reason he got the Big Book process..I keep my distance from him today, I kept his secret.

So I get a live one, this guy is off the hook..Wife just left with the kids, business basically bankrupt, car broken down, sober a few weeks...He was ripe and I wasted no time getting him started..He was a good enough guy really but like all of us there was another guy living inside, I did like his stage presentation though, he was fun to be around....I was listening to his 5th maybe on day 2 and we were at sex conduct..Now by this time I'd heard probably 50 at least 5th Steps so sex conduct was no big shock from anyone..We'd asked for help and he was reading away, then he started mumbling like we all do when we get to the shameful self destructive stuff we wish never to see the light of day. I said it's ok speak up and he did..He went on about his life as a pedophile, a predator, for real, in detail..I said STOP! Hold it! I need to take a minute and pray. I had been affected, I had judged him, I wasn't doing my job, I couldn't do my job so I went in the other room and hit my knees while he sat there waiting in fear as he had just dumped some heavy garbage on the table..On my knees it came to me, Step 7 God should have all of me good and bad, I abandoned myself to my god so I may be of better service to my fellows..This was bad, I was in it, I was not Spiritually fit..This was new to me and I treated it like I would any other problem, I prayed for direction, what should I do God. Should I tell him to take care of this stuff with someone else? Should I go back in there and act like nothing happened? neither..I needed to be honest, I needed to keep my own house in order so I came back and told him how I got caught off guard and need to seek direction to remain on the Spiritual path to best serve him as his 5th Step witness. He was fine with it and thanked me for being straight with him as that's why he chose me to be his Spiritual advisor or Sponsor..We wrapped up his work and he moved on, I heard he had picked up a drink but found his way back and was doing alright ...

I decided to work with this guy who was all about Jesus, all about being born again and the Bible..I was a bit skeptical but felt it wasn't my place to decide who or what his Higher Power was..He seemed like a working guy with a wife and young baby, she had kids that were older..Nice house, clean..Anyway we do the Step work and he gets to Step 9. He felt his conduct around the house was surrendered to Jesus and there was no need to bring any of it up to his wife in order to offer change..What was I going to do, argue? no, so I let it go and he did seem to be taking action with work related amends and such so I figured he would eventually get to his home life for reconstruction..One day I stopped by and he was having breakfast at the table.. He had his food and drink there, everything was cooked perfect and he said to his wife get the other salt. No please of would you mind just do it and do it now..She although obviously embarrassed jumped in compliance..A few minutes went by and he said get him a cup of coffee...I was getting the picture, she was the hostage..From his religious standpoint he was the man and the man deserves respect as the head of the household..She went along with it catering to the crying baby while meeting his needs also..Later we were talking outside and he said he doesn't contribute anything to the house, no money, no maintenance, nothing..It's all paid by the state to her..Plus why should he when she had their baby before they were married forcing him into matrimony..I was confused, like more saddened than anything..All the work this guy did on himself and still unwilling to change.He only saw the rest of the world as the problem..For a little bit there I thought it was my fault, I didn't pay enough attention, I wasn't a good Sponsor but the truth was he used the Bible as a tool not a guideline.. When he told me the reason I needed back surgery was because I lived in sin with my girlfriend? I was done...That was as far as I was willing to go.

I met a guy who was willing to do the work, I offered what I had..I assured him that he was helping me as much as he believed I was helping him.. He and many like him have moved on with their lives in the directions dictated by their Spiritual path..There's some fun in it all, the blasts of gratitude, the good genuine laughter..Seeing ourselves as fools as we humble ourselves and pray for redirection..It's all good.

I get Christmas cards from hard line recovered Alcoholics, it's a riot to see these men who would eat you to get a drink yet now they are all happy to be free living their dreams, helping others, dealing with their issues in everyday life...They have found purpose when their world of untreated Alcoholism held nothing and was destined to go nowhere, an empty void of existence...

The simple process, the 12 Steps in the Big Book can bring about a psychic change sufficient to overcome Alcoholism..I am still amazed as the miracles of AA life that humble themselves on the firing line willing to serve those in need..