Fellowship 12

we are all here for a reason. that was meant as we all have a drinking problem. Im  sure i am not alone in this everyday battle, but it sure feels like it. Going through this inpatient-out patient counseling. They act like they are not sure what to do with someone as bad as me. Everyone, including my family thinks it should be inpatient rehab. Me, i feel, all these pills and treatments boils down to only one person...me. Is there help beyond myself. Will all theses combined, help?

its 1am. some of u know ive been through alot in the last 3 months. im a severe acholic. last month my family forced me into emergency room detox. was there six days, delirous, tremors, convolsions. i demanded my release on the sixth day, dont rember day one or any there after. the day i signed myself out i went to the liquor store and relapsed, six days wasnt enough! 30 days later i was remitted back to emergency room but this time by the police, there were afraid i was gonna hurt myself, because of the severe depression i was under. spent 12hrs in emroom care before being sent to mental health. while in mental health went through severe withdraw, quote "worst person ever went through facility" by doctor. i was drinking more than 4 shots of vodka per hour as long as i was a wake. i only slept 3hrs a night. as u can see that was alot of drinking. after 24 days of mental health i was discharged, upon my approval. they recommended inpatient rehab, but im not able to afford that. they said i could apply for ssi because im a severe acholic. i dont wanna go that route, there for im in the motions for outpatience rehab. its so hard to even go to the store. i can avoid liquor stores, bars, but at the store beer is everywhere. everyday is a battle and its only been 4 days. my whole side of the family drinks. i know that if i start again, it will be the end, i will not stop, but again just going to the store and buy a pop, two steps over or one i see the beer. am i the only one that finds this so much a hard battle everyday. i think and i repeat think that i can control the beer, but i know for sure if i hit the vodka just once that it is over forever. the doc put me on 250mg of antibuse, its a pill that makes u sick upon acohol contact, bad news.. didnt work for me. im not sure if there is fixing someone as bad as me. tonight or this morning is anther battle, a war if u most. i am gonna grab i beer and see if it helps me sleep, relieve some stress. to me sounds like another excuse.

well its another day of drinking. i need help because its to the point of physical addiction. now i drink to stop the withdraws. i wish someone could tell me if the 6 days in the emergency room detox was enough. think iim to scared to still ask my family for help. i mentioned it to my father thhis morning, but breifly. beer doesnt seem to be enough, ive gotta get that bottle..   sad..   lastnight i was so bad i thought about suicide, naturally waking up this morning that feelings subsided,  if that would be easier. who would miss an alcholic.

does anyone know? was only 6 days in detox enough?

i called my sister inlaw..i told her ive fallen.  im worse than before.  by 9am tomorrow i either ask for help or she  is gonna tell my father. it was his girlfreind that took me to detox a month ago.  i am so scared to disappoint them. 6 days in detox was not enough. i am a disappoint to to so many pple.

well its 4am, went to bed at midnight... now up to have them first shots..  this is insane. 4:15am and already drinking.. is this the way i was meant to die..  if there was a god where is he?

i need help, but im scared... i cannt just call my family and say ive slipped... they would never forgive me.  i have no idea where to turn?  whats my next move?  im on the path to destruction with no help... 

well ive sliped.  who do u talk to.  whats my next move? ive done 12 shots in 2hrs.. this is not good..   my step mother called (shes the one the took me to emergency for detox) i lied and said i was tempted, but didnt buy any booze..  even after i type these, i relize i have a serious problem.. i was in detox for 6 days,  was that enough???

i can not believe i did it..  after being clean for a month, i have started again.  now im scared. family will only help so much.  its was family who took me to detox.  if they find out i have started again, man.. what is wrong with me? im letting everyone down.  people and family looked up to me when i had my own business.  what do they think now.  in 5 yrs i went from hero to zero! married 15yrs, my own business, all the toys that a guy wants, 4 wheeler, boat, 4x4, snowmobile..

i thought i was doing good.  how wrong i appear to be. 2 days ago recieved paper work for divorce court. today i bought a gallon of vodka. will be back up drinking 5 shots an hour. this wasnt good for me before. drinking is to easy, easier than going to aa. where is todays wrong move gonna take me this time.  last month it was detox.