Got a terrible wave of 1960, my memories, my only memory, the memory. How long does it last? My mind is racing and I can't remember waking up today, why am I choking on 1960? Why am I jammed now..
What makes me repeat my downfall over and over, why was I born to fail..How could a child be so bad and how could I do so wrong to be tattooed for the rest of my life as a bad person who will always be a nothing, They are right, I will never be good enough for anybody or anything.....That was the day I first remember losing my self reliance to another..Why a grown man would beat a 4 year old kid is still hard to swallow, I would like to file that information under things I don't have to know..Things I don't want to know. It is understandable why people keep their horror to themselves, who would validate such information..People close to us certainly don't want a side order of historic abuse served up daily with their breakfast..We want to forget, we do our best to forget but it oozes out of the hole we've buried it in, it has a mind of it's own, a mind that isn't used for anything but pain and suffering, It is the other side of things, a shadow without light, it is always there....I am forever the boy whistling in the dark to keep his spirits up..
Got a terrible wave of 1979, my memories, my only memory, the memory. How long does it last? I can only sit alone and stare at the floor filled with shame and guilt, I shake my head and am unable to look up...How could a grown man be so full of fear to physically try to fight off his responsibility to his wife and child..Is there a point where a mans heart is closed off from his life and he will only protect himself? Can a man be so selfish...Can a man be such a coward. How can a man chose the empty selfish void of alcohol abuse over his family who are trying to love him.. To go beyond recall, to never come back, to hate yourself so much you are frozen in time..You can no longer speak to them or see them or even think of them, you are the lowest of the low..You are no man.
Got a terrible wave of 1981, my memories, my only memory, the memory. How long does this last? The people are gone..There's nothing left to mirror myself off of, no family or friends. I live only to drink and drug where I can..I am fulfilling the prophecy, I will not ever amount to anything and will always be a failure to society, a waste of a human being..I have nowhere to turn to get away from these thoughts, no person place thing or situation can remove them anymore, I am done.. Except for a few rare moments of delusion over the course of a day I am hopeless....
Got a wave of 1982, my memories are mixed..I have joined AA for the 4th time since my mid teens, I am 25 living in an vacant building with no water..It is January in New England and cold..There is no heat. I go to AA everyday, twice a day when available..AA is my new life, my new beginning, they seem to accept the army of failing drunkards and monsters there and I leave my old life behind without much thought..I find more hope in one meeting than I've mustered up in years, thinking I am just crazy is replaced with thinking I am alcoholic and a suffering one at that, no matter, I must have this thing..
Got a wave of 1992, I am totally lost and alone. I have a reputation in AA as a go to guy for those who want the big book steps but somethings wrong with me..I am all things to all people in big book but alone I am in bad company. I decide to take off the robe and devote myself to my higher power, no more sponsoring and speaking..Without the instant gratification of people I am in rough shape and am learning to program of recovery all over again it seems..It's about God and my willingness to believe..I've been searching for information or knowledge on people and recovery and had gotten myself way off track. I was no longer a free man and carried the worlds problems on my shoulders..
Was thinking about 2002, standing on a piece of property I bought..It was 1 am or there about and I had driven there late and was standing outside my truck in the night, alone.. I looked up at the sky and saw every star in the galaxy..I had never experienced such a show of wonderment and awe..I looked up and I prayed..I thanked my God that I knew his will for me right then, right at that moment..I believed I was there to see who made all this, the good , the bad, the obvious and the hidden..It was all there in my sobriety, I was and still am a part of something, something bigger than myself..I have been blessed with the recovery offered in the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous..You are welcome to anything I have, it was freely given to me, I will freely give it to you..