Fellowship 12

So what now? Clean behind the refrigerator? Solve world hunger? Play with myself?  Get into the 12 steps? Get a dog just like the one we had when I was a kid? Tough decisions here..Now that I've put the drink down I've got many important things to do and places to be, people to meet, things to think, problems to solve.....Apparently I've wasted alot of time drunk and now that I'm normal I need to fill in all the blank spots, which equates to about half my adult life, maybe two thirds.....Of course it never dawned on me that I couldn't fill them before so why would now be any different, I drank for a reason and it wasn't because I loved the taste of 98.6 vodka coming back up..

What about that girl I just stopped seeing one day without any explanation? She was nice, she liked me,  I wonder what she's doing it's only been 11 years..What the hell was her name anyway..I remember having thanksgiving with her family and passing mashed potatoes to another grandmother..Hmm, maybe I'll just leave those people alone..

Something is wrong with my head. My brain, or whatever is in charge of thinking...Maybe my soul is sick. Why do I drift into such morbid reflection? I can think an innocent memory of getting my picture taken is a horrifying face numbing visit to when I was 10 years old, why is this? Or all the kids in the neighborhood never liked me..I am lost in myself and except for the fear and pain totally alone..I have been neglected by others so now I neglect myself..It's all I know..I put all my faith in the people and the people let me down..When do I learn how to stand up for myself without the fear of people dominating me? It better happen quick, I'm no kid here..And how the hell did I pay the rent?

AA is good..AA is a safe place for me to live temporarily or forever if need be..It is the end of the line as far as drinking is concerned..I came to AA, I stopped drinking..Now to work on the reasons I drank and the out of control thoughts that accompany it..The booze is gone but not the thinking..I stopped drinking alcohol but seem to be crazy as ever. It is time for the twelve suggested steps of recovery..

I'm going for it, what do I have to lose really..The spiritual concepts are odd to me but at this point not to difficult to swallow, I will try..Yes I have a thinking problem and yes it seems nobody can fix me so I'll try the higher power spiritual thing..If there is really a higher power out there could you please help me.If you could just give me some relief from myself I would be so grateful, just a bit of peace in my head..I can't go on always in the past and afraid of the future I am always falling down..The depression is overwhelming and I don't know how to live without alcohol..I guess that's it at this point I don't know how to live without alcohol..All that was and is to be doesn't really matter If I can't handle this very minute without drifting into myself, waiting until I convince myself it's ok to drink again....If you are there could you please let me have some clarity. Let me have a bit of courage and strength and I promise I won't abuse it..

I'm tired of the TV on all night or the shades down..God help me to live today a free man, I am willing to try..I am willing to learn to live without alcohol..I will search out a sponsor for the stepwork I need, I'll do it today..I hope to see you along the way if not on the street living sober then in the halls of AA..You are not alone.

The miricle of the alcoholic who has grabbed ahold of sobriety is not to be missed..If I had known about this or could have atleast understood anothers  attempt to explain the freedom of life sober maybe things would have been different for me and those I left smoldering...I did not know nor could I understand..It is what it is, it takes what it takes..Wishing things were different and the self-pity that accompanies those thoughts does nothing to support today..Wallowing in morbid reflection does not make me tougher or stronger..I am not a better man for it. Yesterday cannot be rearranged or altered to somehow suit me, it is done. The best i can hope for is the ability to rectify wrongs and not repeat unwanted conduct..To follow through with this I do need God..No candy coat there, God either is or isn't, it's my choice and I have chosen God is today..

Washing up on the beach to find AA with all the questions and fragmented fears is not my idea of establishing a new self awareness to combat lifes difficult twists and turns..Yet with many as soon as the pressures off a bit and we've cleaned up we feel ourselves an authority on life skills and could possibly run for office..We have deep rooted opinions on social and moral matters and we feel the expressed need to be heard..You have to admit the seasoned  AA crowd in general must have a bit of compassion and tolerance to put up with some of us jockying for position without alcohol..It's all part of it, those who have walked the path are there to guide us along, most will pray for balance so as not to fall..Where can you find a person willing to give freely what they have been given taking nothing for themselves..The welfare of the new man who suffers is their only concern, serving that man is their primary purpose..

We're talking about the AA crowd..The misfit toys, the emotionally abused. The man who has risen from the pit of impending doom and laughs as he tells you about it. The man with a life story so horrific when he tells you AA is a safe place to be tonight you believe him without any doubt..He is telling you the truth.You feel it and it is ok, you are vulnerable and it is ok, you're not sure whats going to become of you when the meeting is over but for now you're going to be allright..Your an alcoholic and you're not alone anymore..

I'm going to give you a hint or call it an inside line on AA..Just an observation looking over and around a group of folks that generally would not mix. You've got the cranky old guy who smokes cigarettes one after another,  The young buck who's found God and believes it's his mission to save as many as he can in an hour and a half, The creepy guy who wears perfume, the kid thats seems too young to be alcoholic..The woman who came in through the back door she allways says meaning alanon and the sweaty guy who never brushes his teeth..The lawyer who has only been sober a few months but has it all down and the car salesman with the ricky ricardo jackets that are too tight, we're all  here tonight and mixed in with those who are quiet and seem like they're taking notes is the husband and wife team who sponsors everyone it seems..We are all here for one reason and that reason is our day of sobriety..

Ask any one or more of these charactors about staying away from one drink for one day and living right and they will unzip who they are on the outside and offer up all they have on the inside to you..There are few conditions on this common bond,  most will be first in line to visit the most lonely place on earth to be of service to the man who still suffers and offer what they have in hopes of bringing him back...

First glimpse around AA may not be all that appealing I know but undernieth there is beauty like most of us who have suffered from alcoholism have never seen. Freedom from bondage, you can have it all,  the only concideration is that you give it away..See you there.

I'm a white man raised protestant who attended sunday school and made several cameo appearances at the big church with all the people sitting down and standing up in my court,  funeral,wedding, church, out to a real fancy restaurant costume. A dark pinstripped suit with red tie, uncomfortable dress shoes that are not broken in after some five years of closet dust worn with my one pair of the thin type dress socks that match the suit...But I have to admit I know more about Martin Luther King day than Easter. The statement that a man be judged by the content of his charactor rather than the color of his skin really carries some depth and weight with me..Sadly it would  be a stretch to get the family together and have dinner with discussion of that statement..Content of charactor and skin color..

Anyway it's easter and we'll all smirk at the same old how did easter bunnies get introduced to a day of celebration. The day Jesus Christ was resurected from the dead has something to do with colored eggs and the marketing frenzy that supports it all..Enough of that what about the family and how has the glue held up since Christmas dinner..Are these family get togethers about 3-4 months apart for a reason? If it was any longer would we even know eachother nevermind enjoy a good meal together..Allways a dissappointment is the childrens reaction to the brothers semi-private conversation to your sisterinlaw about something he feels is worthy of a good old back stabbing..The kids get wind of it and are a bit standoffish untill they realize it's you..It's their uncle and he loves you..They realize daddy is allways shitting on somebody and it's nothing to be concerned about..They are confused about how dad is angry at everyone but as soon as their all there he's happy..No body likes the youngist blurting how daddy says Uncle Gregg is an idiot or how Gramma is fat.

I want to show love and kindness to my family this Easter so when my brother insists on showing me his new fishing rod I allready heard about I won't be thinking of how he hasn't paid child support..Or when the other brother who is just this side of tapioca says grace i'll be gratefull he's here and not making desperate sneaky late night calls to his exwife with my cell phone  number on the ID so she picks up....Oh, my other sister who eats so many anti-depressants she could be  the activities director at a POW camp.

So, who's the problem? I'm the problem..Who's the problem? I'm the problem..I would love to assasinate all of them but when I do I become the person I condemn them for being, I hate that..Once again I need to stop playing God and take a look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom..The hotel mirror, the big one with the bright lights, the one that shows everything...Yikes!..Am I trying to bring them down to my level because I feel so bad about myself? Can't it be their fault this time, just this once? Can't they be screwed up and I'm ok, why do I have to constantly do the work to be a part of my family..I suppose it's true to some degree, I don't really like anyone and that includes my family..Why should they be any different..

Once again I have been brought to some assemblance of reality with the 12 steps of recovery in AA..First I noticed I was the intolerant one blaming others for how I felt, hoping it was them and not me with the defective charactor traits or survival tactics..The fear of the day and dinner with everyone left me cocky and quick to point out others defects to somehow lessen mine..I was doing everyone elses thinking for them and unaware of my own, I was worshiping people and had no higher power for courage and strength to be me and believe me was good enough..Self pity caused alot of anger and sarcasm here, trying to protect myself I basically would have a trail of bleached bones leading to the dinner..Possibly ruining the day for my wife and family with my insecure negative behaviour.

Everyone has taken something that wasn't theirs at one time ot another be it material or emotional..Everyone has given to another and expected something in return. When those expectations were not met feelings were hurt..Everyone has lost something dear to them and gone through the long period of suffering untill they awake to find it wasn't theirs to lose.

I am self-centered to the extreem, that my friends is alcoholism,  according to the book..Although debatable I believe it is why I drank to  the extreem..I am selfish and will protect myself at all or any cost, especially to you..Knowing this gives me a chance to be a participant in life, the producer of harmony..A power of example not allways the example of power driven by fear..I will pray to my higher power to be a brother, uncle father, even son this easter and I will begin this journey of spiritual growth today..This can't wait, I owe it to myself to pick up the spiritual tool kit and get to work..When I focus on whats bad today I have a bad day when I focus on how I can be of service to others and see what is good about them I am usually met with a smile and a conversation that is emotionally stable..
I see the good in people, I see it everywhere.....
Today I am capable of caring enough about myself to help myself, I don't have to arrange you to do it for me..I don't have to suck the emotional security out of the room so I can sit there in comfort, I have stopped using. I have faith in a power greater than myself and that power gives me courage and strength to be a man today, a good man.

Happy Easter.

I have been given an opportunity to live sober and participate in life by being a part of the fellowship and following the 12 steps laid out in the Big Book text of Alcoholics Anonymous for approximatly 28 years..I have done and seen many things that everyone has shared and also many things never to be mentioned.. Realizations and understandings, epiphanys that brought answers to fragmented questions..All in all I have been willing to change, I have been willing to live along side of the alcoholic who seeks recovery ..

Many roads to follow in AA and everyone has their many rivers to cross..Some feel their emotional delemma is to be addressed and then the alcohol problem will seek it's own tolerable level and others feel solving the drink problem is as simple as not picking it up..To each their own, we all have a right to be here if we desire to solve the drink problem..My sponsor used to say there's a wrench for every nut in AA..To some degree thats true.

I didn't realize who I was untill someone told me..Being willing to recognize self-centered fear and take action to have the higher power remove it isn't the same as growing far enough away from it so it never affects you again..Having the willingness to pray and humble yourself doesn't really mix with being an old timer with lots of wisdom and experience and the reputation that goes along with it... I see myself as an alcoholic with a chip of the book and the steps are for keeping my own house in order so I may be of service to those who suffer..This is my primary purpose, my reason for living, this is sobriety to me, my keystone....The people, well..they can make or break you. Learning to be good to yourself and develop self reliance with courage  the higher power offers is not to be missed,  it is a broad and beautifull landscape only you hold the brush to..You can make decisions based on self or you can make decisions based on your primary purpose. If you are like me you will make these decisions many times, maybe everyday..Do not be afraid.

 I was the guest speaker the other night on step 2. I didn't realize it but I was told I was the oldtimer and many were gratefull to be there to hear me speak..A guy came up to me and said he heard me two other times and one was a few years ago..So it hit me, I am the copy of the book tonight..We read the chapter we agnostics in the book and then it was time for me to share for a while on the subject..basically the first part of step 2, came to believe.

I don't know when I stopped fighting or if it's been gradual over the years but I do know the hardline this is the only way Big Book step method is gone..Don't get me wrong,  It's still the only way for me it just may not be for you..Proving myself an exception to the rule  in my AA Big Book world has made me tired..It is truly lonely at the top. I don't want to fight anymore, I just want to live free..

Step 2, yea..Well, I could have gone on about many things spiraling down from my hilltop of knowlege and wisdom but I'm not that way..I know many are here for that ground pounding earth shattering pontification..Great words of wisdom that make this tuesday night stand out as a night to remember..The night I heard the speakers words that made it all make sense to me..I understood..Finally, I understood..

I talked about willingness..Willingness to believe in a power greater than yourself will solve your problem..Understanding that no human power can relieve your alcoholism, the days of rearranging people places or things to save us were gone..It's about willingness now, willingness to believe..Maybe someday we will meet and shake hands..We will look and make eye contact and know..It was willingness that brought us to be..

Alcoholism, it's a killer. with your best thinking you can still die trying. Willingness to believe is the key to living, this I do know, this I have seen.

Not everyday, not even most days..All it takes is one day....Did they ever try to find you? I mean really, has anyone ever tried to find you, no..You are  lost and can not return..Is it only in your head..Don't cry now,  don't..I have to get up and go to work, I can't have this..Shite..What if someone comes home and sees me like this..

I know I wasn't good enough for you, I know people laughed behind my back..I meant nothing,  you made it clear you were at a low point in your life how could you understand you were the high point of mine..I was your worst and you were my best..I am nothing still, the pain of seeing you is all I feel..All those people knew and I was so stupid..You felt sorry for me had pity on me, a working guy with cash..No brain no pain just be nice to me and I give you all I got..You be whoever you want and I'll settle for less..I don't know any better..


Then as allways , you go and take me with you, I am gone ..again.I wait..I wait to cry and feel,  but no feeling comes without you..Without the pain and sadness I have nothing..
I don't want me anymore, I never did really..Seems I've been stuck with me forever, ever since I was a kid I wanted to be somebody else, somebody who could love. The friend of a friend, the cousin who was mentioned as someone special..Anyone but me..I am disgarded trash, just leave me alone..Please go away and  leave me alone..Please come back, you have to come back.

Sometimes I laugh it off, sometimes I have to ride it out..Depending on how bad the beaten I give myself I could be emotionally hungover for days, i may even appear physically sick..My mind is racing and my nervous system is shakey..A bout with extreem self will can leave me gasping for air..

Since becoming a member of alcoholics anonymous and putting the drink down the gypsy rarely comes to visit..I have come to believe in a power greater than myself..Greater than the power of failure, greater than the power of what you think of me..Even greater than me..This AA concept of a spiritual kind of creative intelligence underlying everything has somehow given me the strength not only to stay sober but to face life, face myself..

All I ever really wanted was some answers to the big questions..Whats wrong with me and what do I do about it..Imagine my surprise when I realized all I had to do was ask for help in the morning from this higher power and go to AA meetings..Yes I also got a sponsor and joined a group, went on commitments got a coffee maker job showed up early to help set up the hall and stayed late to clean up ..So I guess there is a bit of effort involved in getting sober in AA, as I see it anyway..

I want to tell you the truth about me anyway..The gypsy still comes once and a while and it can be ruff..I am involved in the 12 steps which gives me a defence when I fall into a self imposed crisis I seemingly can't evade..All in all I am learning to treat myself right and the bonus is I'm actually worth the time today..I'm a sober member of alcoholics anonymous today, I have been given the tools to face life successfully..I hope to see you along the way ..I want to see you along the way. People suffer from alcoholism every day..Put the booze down and see who you are,  give what you find.

I was trying to look the other way and stare at the cieling or the wall or out the window but there seems at times to be no escape from the fundamental God  loving heart pounding in your face intense brotherinlaw friek who's emotional bodyguard is Jesus himself..I fantasize about inventing some type of eye shades that you can just close or a curtin like thing you pull closed and others will get the hint there's nobody home,  stop talking and move on..It's hard to imagine him alone living his derailed life trying to justify himself as a father of an innocent childlike 9 year old who wants nothing to do with him and the sick heartburn feeling I get when he attempts to justify his temper tantrums over his ex wife not respecting him as the man of the house. Especially when he yells nobody listens to me!  Or how there seems to be no age limit when moving back to moms house and making everyone there pay for how you feel about yourself..Whitnessing a grown man blame everything off center in his life on the fact his mother yelled at him to lift the toilet seat one too many times and the scars won't heal. How you can use psyco and victim in the same sentance..And of course the common theory or gospel that refers to the facts that serve to validate, when we're at war spiritually there's no sense in working  a steady job when the world as we know it will soon be over anyway and we, or not me but the other we or us but not including me will join Jesus in heaven where from what I understand they serve only  Heinz  ketchup...Which by the way I have no problem with.

Had the pleasure of listening or watching a few people discuss the 12 steps and how although they hate eachother and have little respect for  eachother they act very humble so as not to look intollerant ..It's better to look good than th feel good, right? Kind of like practicing the AA program at an AA meeting, not too difficult and not too real. I especially like how one AA will basically be polishing his spiritual shotgun while telling another how each is doing what steps format is best for them and acceptance is key..Or when the debate starts to creep in over wording in the big book the winner usually has vast knowlege about Ebby or Silkworth or  the original manuscript..I wonder, then shrug..One guy last night was saying he did all 12 steps in 2 days some 10 or so years ago and lives the dream to this day..Another said you never finish the steps and he's living proof with his 30 years of  sobriety..lets not leave out the guy who drugged at four months because he was having trouble with step 9..The woman with so many children she didn't know what to do..the guy who is 72 years old and drank after 38 years of sobriety..None of this makes any sense to me unless I look at myself first. As I review my own history and thoughts I feel lucky to be a part of anything, really..AA , myself and the bunch of charactors who seek sobriety and a way of living and thinking  that make up the group are perhaps the closest thing to family I've ever had..I forget that and become what I see in others, I become a producer of confusion, base my thoughts on selfishness and fear of others opinions..I can therefore suck emotional security out of just about any situation good or bad,  I have the power to make it all about me..

It has been made clear in my recovery that focus on a brotherinlaw who, by the way is much better off as a Jesus friek than he was before he found his god and was just waiting to die, focus on him isn't healthy unless it is done with an attitude of acceptance. Otherwise it doesn't matter what he does or who he is I'd find something wrong with it so as to validate myself...The others in AA who have their own history and perceptions of the steps that are different than mine have just as much right to be here as I do and being an example of power solves nothing and only adds to the confusion..If I want to carry a message it must not just be words like the steps are a college course you learn well and graduate from, I need to live the principles if I am to be a power of example, alcoholics will see this and want a piece of it..

Today  my recovery will probably be no different than yesterday for me with my attitude of acceptance intact..I will hear and see things from others  and they may want a reaction from me..We look for validation constantly in others, and they look for it in me, maybe not all out people worshipping but mirroring myself with others is hard to completely detach from so I expect it to happen to some degree today....It would be easy to fall for just about anything that comes my way based on who says it or what they look like, their history with me or what they represent as a person..If someone has what I want I will listen to them, especially if they like me and I am weak I will want their emotional security they offer.. ..I will listen to their words and agree with them before they have finished their sentance..

Today I will try to stand for something nomatter the circumstances..One thing will be honesty, I will be honest no matter what comes along..i will not perticipate in conversations that are harmfull to others, backstabbing or backbiting, theire screwed up and we're ok stuff..I don't have to make others look bad so I look good..I can stand for something with the courage and strength of my higher power..I have no reason to lie and promote myself as something i'm not..I am good enough just who I am today..Today I am willing to help another, no matter what the situation if I can honestly offer myself to another I will.  I will look at the bigger picture not just an impulse reaction based on the words spoken, I will think of others today..
Today I will show compassion tword another without expectation..I will feel good enough about myself to care about myself thereby have the strength to risk being vulnerable before others ..I will make the first move, I will have a kind word and I will pray to back it up with kind thoughts..I will reach deep and find a kind word or thought for everyone I meet today..I will fill my day with honesty, compassion and willingness to take action so I am the power of example..People will look at me and see it can be done..We can be good to eachother, we can be free..

One day without one drink is one day of sobriety, may not sound like much but for some it is the differance between light and darkness..Hope I see you on or along the path today my friend..

Got a terrible wave of 1960, my memories, my only memory, the memory. How long does it last? My mind is racing and I can't remember waking up today, why am I choking on 1960? Why am I jammed now..

What makes me repeat my downfall over and over, why was I born to fail..How could a child be so bad and how could I do so wrong to be tattooed for the rest of my life as a bad person who will always be a nothing, They are right, I will never be good enough for anybody or anything.....That was the day I first remember losing my self reliance to another..Why a grown man would beat a 4 year old kid is still hard to swallow, I would like to file that information under things I don't have to know..Things I don't want to know. It is understandable why people keep their horror to themselves, who would validate such information..People close to us certainly don't want a side order of historic abuse served up daily with their breakfast..We want to forget, we do our best to forget but it oozes out of the hole we've buried it in, it has a mind of it's own, a mind that isn't used for anything but pain and suffering, It is the other side of things, a shadow without light, it is always there....I am forever the boy whistling in the dark to keep his spirits up..

Got a terrible wave of 1979, my memories, my only memory, the memory. How long does it last? I can only sit alone and stare at the floor filled with shame and guilt, I shake my head and am unable to look up...How could a grown man be so full of fear to physically try to fight off his responsibility to his wife and child..Is there a point where a mans heart is closed off from his life and he will only protect himself? Can a man be so selfish...Can a man be such a coward. How can a man chose the empty selfish void of alcohol abuse over his family who are trying to love him.. To go beyond recall, to never come back, to hate yourself so much you are frozen in time..You can no longer speak to them or see them or even think of them, you are the lowest of the low..You are no man.

Got a terrible wave of 1981, my memories, my only memory, the memory. How long does this last? The people are gone..There's nothing left to mirror myself off of, no family or friends. I live only to drink and drug where I can..I am fulfilling the prophecy, I will not ever amount to anything and will always be a failure to society, a waste of a human being..I have nowhere to turn to get away from these thoughts, no person place thing or situation can remove them anymore, I am done.. Except for a few rare moments of delusion over the course of a day I am hopeless....

Got a wave of 1982, my memories are mixed..I have joined AA for the 4th time since my mid teens, I am 25 living in an vacant building with no water..It is January in New England and cold..There is no heat. I go to AA everyday, twice a day when available..AA is my new life, my new beginning, they seem to accept the army of failing drunkards and monsters there and I leave my old life behind without much thought..I find more hope in one meeting than I've mustered up in years, thinking I am just crazy is replaced with thinking I am alcoholic and a suffering one at that, no matter, I must have this thing..

Got a wave of 1992, I am totally lost and alone. I have a reputation in AA as a go to guy for those who want the big book steps but somethings wrong with me..I am all things to all people in big book but alone I am in bad company. I decide to take off the robe and devote myself to my higher power, no more sponsoring and speaking..Without the instant gratification of people I am in rough shape and am learning to program of recovery all over again it seems..It's about God and my willingness to believe..I've been searching for information or knowledge on people and recovery and had gotten myself way off track. I was no longer a free man and carried the worlds problems on my shoulders..

Was thinking about 2002, standing on a piece of property I bought..It was 1 am or there about and I had driven there late and was standing outside my truck in the night, alone.. I looked up at the sky and saw every star in the galaxy..I had never experienced such a show of wonderment and awe..I looked up and I prayed..I thanked my God that I knew his will for me right then, right at that moment..I believed I was there to see who made all this, the good , the bad, the obvious and the hidden..It was all there in my sobriety, I was and still am a part of something, something bigger than myself..I have been blessed with the recovery offered in the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous..You are welcome to anything I have, it was freely given to me, I will freely give it to you..

It took me 30 freakin years to understand the absolute profoundness of this statement. I thought I understood it from my very first experiences in the program, I said the words, I thought "yeah, I get it, my life is a disaster, I can't stop drinking and using drugs". But then deep down I must have thought I could just drink on occasion or limit the amount or just have a glass of fine wine with a special meal. That must have been my thinking because if I really grasped the 1st step thoroughly, if I truly knew that I was powerless and my life was truly unmanageable I would not have had another drink. The most basic human instinct is to survive. This survival instinct is so base that no rational can overpower it so I must not have really taken the 1st step. OK, I'm intellectualizing waaay too much and this has sabotaged me in the past but do you know what I mean???

deb

Going up to Maine for a Fellowship of the Spirit weekend convention..Leaving in a few minutes. AA and Alanon people from all walks of life will be there, some that woke up grateful for their spiritual gifts and some who are desperate for sanctuary..I'll see people who have overcome great emotional disabilities and are there to share their testimony on AA or Alanon recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind..I'll meet people I've maybe seen a time or two over the years who are still sober and willing to follow the big book..

What a break in the often daily struggle to be with like minded folks for three days..Those of us who have chosen the path of the big book steps have much in common besides the bond of sobriety, we have put the drink down today and are willing to take or practice certain steps laid out in the book. There's allways those who have it much better than me and I can appreciate that, maybe not felt the full wringer..They have material wealth and I think because of this they're really not that bad..Those who get sober and have money are kind of expected to have it more together than those who don't, not so..One man drinks over a broken shoe lace and another drinks over his horrific childhood, one drives a Lincoln and another takes the bus..Does it really matter who does what ? no, not in AA..In AA we don't accept petty rivalries and jealousies as the norm, we are willing to move past them and on to our recovery each day..

I, for one and speaking for myself only am far from even close to perfect..My defects arise from no where at times and I am once again rearranging people to somehow suit myself..Even when I'm on the beam with step ten I can still rely on self will to carry me through a self imposed crisis I am convinced is someone else's fault.. What will I do if another AA is all about the 12/12 meetings and doesn't like the big book steps so I take it personal? What if I bump uglies with an ex-wife who still has my testicles on a stick in what used to be our front yard? What if she has the new boyfriend who's everything and I'm not? She's there for recovery but to me it's just a photo shoot to make me look bad..What if I'm uh, what if I'm fat or going bald or my teeth aren't white.....What if I'm just a loser who never amounted to anything and everyone will know I'm broke after being sober for 28 years, what if they think I'm a poor example of recovery...What do I do if my head starts to turn on me?

It all starts now..Step 11 , morning meditation, upon awakening pg 86. I am reminded who I am and in spite of it all am very grateful to have the facts..I am selfish and self-centered to the extreme that's why I drank, that's why I've made such heavy going of life, that's why I'm alcoholic, that's why I need the fellowship of the spirit..Even after all this time I am not fixed , I live one day at a time..Once I realized there was more to life without being a bricktop I became more and more willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness with the spiritual higher power in my life..As I go through the day if agitated or doubtful I will pause and ask my higher power for direction to restore my willingness..Tonight I will review my day an ask the higher power to direct me if and where I have fallen short on my ideals..

This weekend is all about the big book cover to cover..Supposed to be a good crowd maybe five or six hundred..Some will be intellectual and some will be spiritual, some will be both..Some will have great wisdom and others will have great willingness, all will have something to offer..Over the weekend a step is described through the experience of an AA member..I am the speaker for step 12, chapter 7, working with others....I am honored and will pray to not do or say anything that would hurt or offend another AA member..I will pray to be a power of example not an example of power..I will live sober another day, I hope to see you around the big book step rooms of recovery..If you're lost today and need a bit of hope before the meeting read a vision for you..If that's too much just read the last page of it pg 164..If that's too much just focus on the two words in step twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps WE TRIED to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principals in all out affairs....Be good to yourself today, one day without one drink is one day of sobriety...

Frieken pharmacist asking me questions making me wait..Treating me like I'm doing something wrong..I'm a junkie, I'm bad, you're better than me..He don't know me. He doesn't know what it's like to be me..He don't know my pain. I've been out since yesterday and I'm not in the mood for his hassle..Just fill the script man..You with your 150k a year job judging me, just give me the drugs..Give me my pills. That's a good script, that's a good ID, so lets go...So what if it's a few days early, whats it to you.

Ahh, much better. Back to life now..The past few days have been rough with garbage heroin but now that I got my pills I got to make up for lost time..Got to make up for the last few sick days..Back to work and fast, nobody knows..How could they? Maybe some know , maybe they know I like the opium but they never say anything..I'm a good person, I'm allways good to them..Even around the house I do dishes and clean up, laundry..Yardwork..I'm a better person when I'm high. They should just be grateful I don't drink anymore.

Actually I got projects everywhere, nothings done. I kind of lost touch there for a few days like I do every month waiting for my script but so what, I'm on it now. Haven't been to many meetings either, whatever.. Strange how I run out of drugs , you know as I think about it I am allways running out of drugs..I start out telling myself this time it'll be different, this time I'll follow the instructions but by the second day I take what I want..By the end of the week I'm taking twice the prescribed amount with a little concern but not anywhere near enough to stop me..The truth is I take as many as I can and never stay to the script, I allways run out and get sick ..I allways have to find street drugs to cover me for sometimes a week or two..A week or two, come on..What am I thinking, I'm in trouble here..You can't expect me to call my sponsor when I'm dope sick, can you? I only want him to see me doing good...

Am I this whacked out? I basically stopped going to meetings, I never call my sponsor, I've drifted away from my old AA friends...I eat drugs constantly, not little drugs big drugs and much more than the adult dose..May as well face a few other facts while I'm at it..I think everything's ok because I haven't picked up a drink, yet...yea, yet..My wife puts up with me because she's afraid and I work cheap and am easily manipulated at work so everyone likes me there..I guess you could say I'm a people pleasing opium addict on a downward spiral hiding behind my yesterdays sobriety in AA..When I meet an old AA pal I talk it up and just avoid eye contact..I'm living lies, I'm tired, I've had enough, I want this to end before I die or drink, which ever comes first..

How? that's the next big question , how do I get off this crap and back to sobriety?...I'm not big on being dope sick that's for sure. I'm going to need some help..Maybe my sponsor? NO FRIEKEN WAY.....Actually he told me he had trouble with drugs and was addicted before..Heroin and alcohol, if I remember..I can probably trust him he is a pretty solid guy , he's never played me and allways been there when I needed his help..Maybe this wouldn't be any different..I don't think he'd say just suck it up and quit..I hope not anyway, I'm in pretty deep.
DING !! One things for sure I can't trust my own judgement when it comes to the dope..

I'm going to get up tomorrow and take my prescribed pill, not two or three..I've got to try..I'm going to call my sponsor and tell him what I've been up to and ask his help..Tonight before I go to bed I'll get out my willingness and pray to follow through..Seems like a good place to start..It would be great to be alcohol and drug free..I'm willing to try to care enough about myself to make it happen..If I can put the booze down I can put the opiates down..