Fellowship 12

 I'm afraid my girlfriend will leave me. I am full of fear and low self esteem or lets call it what it is in my case, untreated alcoholism..I think everybody's everything and I'm not..I can't seem to measure up.I have the self image of a glass window pane.. She shows others more attention than me and I'm supposed to be her main event, her reason for living..

I am always rearranging people to suit myself telling myself that reality in most cases isn't real..Our relationship is always in trouble and I may be partially at fault be she is definitely more to blame, she doesn't even seem to try..If she accuses me of being jealous or over protective I know she's covering something up like talking to old boyfriends or waving hello to them..She keeps her old pictures..My relationship is only how I see it and with this keen insight I have acquired, I can foresee the future..She will leave me eventually for someone new or go back to someone from the past..She may already have cheated on me and not been caught
The other night at the meeting we were sitting next to each other and a young handsome guy was speaking from the podium..She said he was great and was talking to him after, while I was in the bathroom..I left her alone for a minute and she wanted him, I know it..
She was atleast telling him how unhappy she was..

She doesn't have enough love for me, nobody does on earth anyway..I am selfish to the extreme..I am a people worshipper and revolve my life around her to fulfill my fragmented emotional condition.She is my self esteem, if she likes me I like me..

As I grill her about her whereabouts and show concern with her dress I am actually slapping her around from my moral hilltop..As I put pressure on her to perform her duties around the house feeling she lacks discipline she wants to get away from me even more..I am making my worst nightmare happen, my selfish insecure contribution to our relationship is forcing her away..She feels anything would be better than living as a hostage under my control.

I say I  love her everyday and wait for her to say she loves me too..She says it back in fear of my retaliation..Maybe I pout and say she doesn't love me or the silent treatment, silent scorn always ruins a day..If she doesn't conform to my wishes I do whatever is needed to make her pay and get control of her..The more subservient the better...I am making her love me and have used her up..

She's already gone and I've basically thrown her out..I am locked up tight in my own prison..She begins to just ignore me and my head games and this really has me jockeying for control...I pull out all the stops with language, her past , everything I got..We have a big blow out and emotional upheaval all about how she doesn't love me and is cheating on me and how I want her to get out..I use vile language to try to break her and have her back down and tell me she's sorry for how I feel and will conform to my ways, how I think a man and a woman should be....As she's walking out the door and I realize she's actually going to go I chase her down with desperate innocence claiming I love her and am sorry, I'll never say that again or I'll never act that way again, If she leaves I'll kill myself...... As she disappears from sight I am completely afraid and only concerned of what she will tell others..They will know how I really am and although I don't drink, nothings changed ..My reputation around AA and stage presentation are finished..

The thought crosses my mind of how my old girlfriend is getting along and maybe I should swing by..Any port in a storm.

Where do the monsters go? What happens to somebody who at their best is a complete failure at life..The hopeless alcoholic drinking or not..The producer of confusion who hates himself but feels he has so much love to give if only others would do as he wishes...How does he live without alcohol, how does he live at all..When will it stop. What does it take to stop fighting with myself.

AA is a place to put the drink down and learn to enjoy a feeling of being a part of rather than apart from. After a short time I sit under the lights with my coffee and maybe have a laugh with others who hear the same thing I do..I am not alone, I feel and it's ok..I'm picking up on the one day at a time and live and let live concepts..I begin to show a bit of willingness with spiritual aspect of the early steps in spite of myself..I may even make a friend.

I go to my meetings..I do my laundry and eat out everyday. I'm not ready to care enough about myself to take care of myself but I am changing...I'm wandering semi aimlessly around life but things are calming down for me..I'm alone at times and ok with it..I ask for help and feel a bit of peace come over me, at times I am no longer running the show, I am no longer always the director.  I am just one of the actors and am grateful to be welcomed on the stage..I am beginning to fit.

In the beginning I didn't sit in my office with my hell of a guy awards everywhere drifting in a sea of success, I banged out meetings..Two a day mostly for atleast the first into the second year..I made many messes in AA..I drank a few times, smoked some pot..Tried the girlfriend thing till I was done hurting  people for good..AA never condemned me. It always had a coffee and a open seat up front..It always had a friendly handshake..it was and still is a safe place to go and create the fellowship..

I've had willingness that turned into experience that became wisdom..My life and relationships are for the most part healthy today..AA is the best thing that has ever come my way and I can be that way for you..If you are willing to put the drink down and open minded to spiritual concepts you are on your way and maybe we'll meet on the broad highway....

Until then..

24 hours = one day at a time 

A  sexual ideal, something I can grow tword.. pg 70

Time has gone by and many changes have occured since my new beginning at life..I have a relationship today with someone who I've been with a long while..I treat her as I treat myself..I go to meetings and try to participate in recovery..I do not drink.
I practice steps 10 11 and twelve everyday and do my utmost to surrender to the god of my understanding each day..I have allways worked with the new man in the big book steps ..
   You and I learn new stuff and an occasional epiphany comes along and we realize what we're doing here or we're reminded what we're doing here once again..Why us? Why have we been given the gift of life when so many that suffer from alcoholism seemingly haven't..I may be the only copy of the book a new man ever sees so I must remember to keep my relationship with God right and my own house in order lest I lose my ability to carry the message, lest I become blocked with selfishness and fear and lose my primary purpose.....My experience is   the small piece I bring to the big puzzle that contributes to a beautifull picture I myself could have never created alone....
As recovering alcoholics with a chip of this book a message is carried to those that suffer .. A message of hope, of freedom from emotional bondage, a day without a drink, a reason for living..Thats why I'm here, to carry this message of peace..A message of giving unconditionally.
With this attitude and armed with facts about myself I have purpose today..I treat myself good today by my willingness to grow in understanding and effectiveness with my God... My friends and family reap the benifits.. I am no longer the producer of confusion I am a participant in harmony..
None of this would have been possible without the hand of God and willingness to pick up the pen and get down to causes and conditions..

 Pg 71..We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever selfwill has blocked you off from him...If you have allready made a decision( steps 1 2 and 3 ) and an inventory of your grosser handicaps ( step 4 resentment, fear and sex ) you have made a good beginning..You have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself..
 
This whole 4th step thing is just a fragment of the vast recovery in the AA big book steps..I hope you find the miracle as I did in it's pages..It is not easy but it is simple, a simple program for complicated people seems to fit ..

Don't give up on yourself..

Now about sex, many needed an overhauling here...I kind of liked the fact that a woman knows how to sort mail almost like an extension of themselves..Never really having purchased a bar of soap for myself I naturally was drawn to a shower rack  filled with shampoo's, conditioners and clean razors..Life was good..Seems no matter what condition I was in they would offer up just about everything they had.. I would eventually prove the dog was really womens best friend..

The girlfriend or sexual relationship, being a fine addition to my reputation provided many things I myself could not..For one instance, money was a biggie and paying an electric bill that came in the mail addressed to them actually got opened and read..A check was written from a bank with a legitimate account with money enough in it...They had stamps and a pen handy to write out and send off the bill, the electricity would stay on for another month..Very impressive.
In between jealous rage and blackout drunkenness maybe I'd demand sex and a nice bowl of half cooked minute rice to eat as I sat on the kitchen floor complaining of the nasty cat box next to me...

Always the actor I could ad lib to any occasion involving a grandmother or family get together..Oh yes we're getting married eventually and we're looking at houses.. I'm very busy with work right now so it's tuff..She traded in her Camry you co signed for because I needed the new truck. Working man's got to have a new truck so I get the jobs..After all I am the man, head honcho, top dog, big cheese, chosen one...right?

Being alone with my life's failures lurking on the bedpost every morning I would wake up out of my mind..In an attempt to blame you for how I feel I'd sometimes go for the emotional choke hold with how come the house is such a mess or your friends are screwed up and even go to why do you love your family more than me..Me Me, what about me !!
Sure I'd mow the lawn or clean the car but not without something in return..
Lets do all kinds of unique sex stuff so I feel special and you love me most for our special experiences..I'm better than your old boyfriend you said hello to 3 months ago in passing that I can't stop reminding you about...

Anyway, oh, excuse me while I raise our children to hate gays because of my own shame and guilt passed on by my father after being caught experimenting behind the barn..Let me pass on my disease to my kids..That's always a party favorite..Or the I got screwed up in Viet Nam excuse my uncle had for justifying his interest in me and other 11 year old boys..

Now about sex, many needed an overhauling? Yea, you could say that..God help me...

Asking for help as usual now I made a list of people places and things I had sexual relations with..It was at one point just plain nasty but I asked for help and kept going, I was on a mission now. A new book and a list of my past sex conduct, geez louise..
I put down a name and after it i answered the 9 questions similar to when I looked at myself in the resentment part earlier on..

Keeping it to 10 words or there about I wrote down where I was selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate, whom did we hurt, where did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy,  suspicion ,  bitterness..What should we have done instead, all taken from pg 69..Between the one night stands and the weird stuff I had a hard time filling in all the questions..I would stop and pray for direction and the answers would come and I'd write them down..God was allowing me to write down and come to terms with things in my past I had reserved to discuss with Satan himself someday,certainly I was going to hell, that was a given..
As I continued to grow and change with the higher power as a guide it was amazing to get some of this stuff raked into a pile and out of me, That,  my friends was the beginning for me.... It was alot of writing but like the book said. I got it all down on paper and looked at it..It doesn't say we got some of it down and looked at it or we talked about some of it so don't bother putting it down...

An ideal ..  something to grow toward?

Lucky for me I had a sponsor I trusted so the lying that I wasn't even aware of when I started this journey had pretty much stopped. NASA was not calling me to design the b5 rocket but I did start to think for myself a bit without complete domination from others..I would say I was relying on God more and people less for my self worth..It was painless actually..like, I was still a schmuck but was willing to change so I felt ok about it all, I was no longer trapped in myself or bound by self centeredness constantly..I had gotten a glimpse of freedom...I had gotten some answers when I looked at my part in my resentments and how they affected me..

Then just reading from the bottom of pg 67 to the bottom of pg 68 about fear I kind of knew It was a God thing from here on out and I didn't have a problem with it..Occasionally I would still refer to putting my faith into a spiritual higher power but mostly I was calling it God..Wasn't really concerned with what other people thought about that..I was using my own conception like the big book suggested and it was working..I was a participant in my own life for what seemed like the first time..

The book suggested I start my fear part of the work back in my resentment ,cause ,affects my, notebooks and review where I had fear bracketed.. I noticed I had alot of fear....The reading referred to an evil and corroding thread that the fabric of my existence was shot through with, that wasn't difficult to swallow, it was in black and white...The trains of circumstances that started as childhood issues and were still a major part of my make up at 26 was a bit pathetic . Or the jealous insecurities were the same with basically every girlfriend I ever had, starting at 12 years old...But hey, I'm trying now..Better late than never..

Fear  classed with stealing? Top of pg 68..I've heard many theories on this statement and only believe my own, sorry if that sounds a bit unjust....
It's about sucking emotional security from our surroundings..A man like myself without any courage and strength in his spirit uses people to give him his power, fancied or real..People fail me so I  try harder, Relying on self propulsion...Anger or the grouch or brainstorm  usually works..I am only as strong as you allow me to be..If I am  cocky I may belittle or outsmart you with cheap shots or like the book says wholesale condemnation and pump myself up that way..I may appear to be everything you aren't thereby removing all self esteem from you and adding it to my collection..I may jockey for position with others feeling myself unworthy with some back biting , hoping to control others..The jealous actor I am will take from his surroundings to prove myself the director, the one with the power, it goes on..Myself, full of fear everyday would be constantly taking from others to fulfill what was lacking in me...Yes, a thief..I stood for nothing and fell for everything. I stole only what I thought was being stolen from me, selfish to the extreme...

So, we make a fear list on paper..It says we also list fears that we have no resentment in connection with so, Lobster Boy from the county fair? Crabs? Leaky boats?...How about where I answered many frightened questions when I was looking at myself in my earlier work..I was willing to set those matters straight so is there still a resentment in connection with them? I reviewed all my work so far and prayed until I felt thorough with my fear list..Now to answer a few questions..

Why we had them...Funny when I would pray for direction here flashes of the fear would come into my head, many times from when I was young..Seems silly but my fear of girls came from when I had a crush on a girl  in second grade but ripped my pants and she was laughing at my underwear showing..I wrote it down...I could've  probably gone for distance with an in depth perspective on my home life, my relationship with my mother, My sister was just born, my cat died, I had a runny nose, Kennedy was just shot..I wasn't here to write a novel just get to the point and put it on paper, so I did......

Where self reliance failed us? Why would I throw myself away only to be replaced by what you thought of me..Self reliance was good as far as it went like it got me to school and allowed me to have other friends but when it came to an emotional situation I fell on my face..No self esteem ever really..I never grew up.I wrote it down..

That was then but perhaps there is a better way, second paragraph, pg 68..A basis of trusting and relying on god..God is infinite and I am finite, seems simple enough to understand at this point...Being exposed to adult situations without proper tools may have been part of it..It would be great to pass this on and be the victim because daddy never loved me but even if I was hit on the head with a hammer as a kid it's not happening now unless I let it..Even if I feel I deserve it..In order to stop reliving my fear brought on by my finite self I  am willing to turn to my God  for strength..I ask God to remove my fear and direct my attention to what he would have me be...The book says at once we commence to outgrow fear..I have been growing in understanding and effectiveness to this point and have no doubt I am growing through my fear..I have faith..

Now about sex , bottom of pg 68



 

 Refering to our list again putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done we resolutely looked for our own mistakes..Where had we been selfish dishonest self-seeking and frightened...Even as I began this phase I knew I was basically the problem..Sure others may be to blame but I was the creator of my misery, I was a sick man and in spite of my alcoholic condition felt hope..I became aware of others and the possibility that they too were suffering from the spiritual malady and driven by selfwill or selfishness..They too had resentments and may suffer like myself..I became willing to pray they be shown the same patience and acceptance that I'm being shown by my higher power, I would pray to God to save me from being angry..I would pray to not treat sick people or anyone for that matter that way...I was feeling better, I no longer enjoyed anger..

Selfishness, life was all about me..what I thought you thought..It was my opinion that was best for you, it was my perception of things and my voice that was to be heard..I was kind conciderate modest and selfsacrificing, I was mean egotistical and selfcentered..I was all things to all people as I rearranged people and situations to suit myself..

Dishonest, sure i'd lie and manipulate, cheat, steal..But I was also under my own delusion. The reality of many things was distorted and manipulated to better serve my needs, I would only see what I wanted to see..I was for the most part in full flight from reality.

Selfseeking, I would steal the emotional security from others bringing them down to my level with anger, the silent treatment, belittling, lack of support..I would talk behind your back, any action  to support my selfishness.. I would use you to validate myself, make me feel good, anything I couldn't generate myself and I needed I would take from you in one way or another..

Frightened, The end is near, it'll never work, I'm going to get caught, people will get wise to me, I'll never straighten out...impending doom, you'll leave me, you don't love me...I'm not good enough.

I took my book with the resentments, the cause and affects my and opened it up to the first resentment..On a new book I wrote no.1 next to the name so it lined up with no.1 in  the book with the resentment..I wrote the name down and under  I wrote the word selfish and followed with where I was at fault in the resentment, where I was selfish..I kept it to 10 words or less.. Then dishonest under that and wrote where I was dishonest, same thing just one line.. then the same with  selfseeking below that and frightened below that..

So I had listed a resentment and seen how it affected me and seen where I was at fault in it..This way of thinking was completely new to me..Being accountable was not my nature..It was obvious I was damaged goods and had failed miserably at even the most basic of interactions with people and society.No wonder I drank myself stupid every day..It was starting to make sense now..I was hoping someday for an opportunity to straighten out my past or atleast set matters straight with some clearity..I was feeling something new, I wanted to give.

By now the difficulties with the 4th step were behind me, Still not even having made a begining as far as the book is concerned I was on to something big, I was changing..I was more than willing to move on to the next part, bottom of pg 67...fear...

As I made some sort of schedual  for myself I could live up to I felt I was actually doing something..I was involved in my recovery, I was taking action..I was a new  good feeling to know..I decided that mon wed thurs and sat were my writing days for a good 2 hrs each..The other days were my meetings and visitation sunday..My sponsor said save a day to have fun for myself but to be honest that scared me..I didn't really know how to have fun, I was more comfortable close to the program at this point..Becoming aware I didn't look like Brad Pitt or sing like Al Green and was afraid to show my teeth and laugh was overwhelming..I was best off just working on my steps right now and having faith that with this work I would grow into my own..I felt better but the shades were still down tight.


I switched off the phone and turned off the tv..No easy music waves on the beach or hawaian jungle noises..Not even a candle with my pet rock and mood ring..Just me and my pen and notebook..I would get on my knees and surrender to my higher power and ask to have him direct my pen as I go back through my life searching the people institutions and principles I resented..The pen would flow for a while and maybe get stuck on somebody that knew somebody that said something and I would catch myself staring off into morbid reflection..i'd think thats enough for today and realize only 20 minutes had gone by..It was becoming appearant decipline was an issue with me..I would at once get back down on my knees and ask for the self will to be removed, maybe adding a prayer or two and continue writing my list..I would come to a stop or dead end and be quite sure that was it..200 names is plenty I'd think, I've been at this for days...I'd call my sponsor and he'd say how about one more sitting and I'd say ok but I think I'm done..Anyways I'd pray and sure as hell more would get down on the paper..Eventually I was through with my list..


Following the example on pg 65 I split a page in the notebook into 3rds. At the top left I wrote I'm resentfull at, in the middle I wrote the cause and on the right I wrote affects my..Just like the example I put the first name of the person on my list on the left and then under the cause I wrote what the resentment was or in many cases how I felt they had wronged me..I kept these resentments to under 10 or so words max..I wasn't telling a story I was asking for help, getting to the point and moving on..If I could've dwelled on this stuff and figured it all out I would have done it long ago..Remember I had made a decision to surrender my search for an intellectual cure for my spiritual condition..I'm just going to have faith and follow direction..Anyway to the right of the page under affects my i would put down how I was affected by this resentment like maybe my feelings were hurt or I was intimidated so I'd put down self esteem..Maybe I felt like you were everything and I was nothing so I'd put down security..Maybe I had trouble with eye contact or was unable to be close to you I'd put down personal relations..Maybe my sex relations or pride or pocket book or maybe ambitions were affected..Whatever it was I put it all down..I used the suggestions on the bottom of 64 and the top of 65, I did not make up my own, it's important I believe to keep close to the book..

Not all that clear on how much a part fear played in my life I took notice to fear being bracketed..I decided to pray about it not thinking I had much fear..They were talking about selfcentered fear, it was becoming clearer and discussion with my sponsor helped..As I was looking back I noticed many times I was donminated by people, I felt insecure and less than..They were everything and I wasn't..They had all the power . It was suggested to bracket fear wherever it applied..I started seeing it with self esteem alot and after a bit I had fear bracketed next to many of the different affects..For instance,I was resentfull at my father telling me I'd never amount to anything, affects my ambitions with fear bracketed..

Something was happening to me at this point but I didn't really know what..Others noticed I was more approachable and less sarcastic..I do know I had stopped sleeping on the couch with the tv on and had moved to the bedroom with sheets and everything, and the bathroom was clean...I had began to care enough about myself to take care of myself, basically  I was changing for the better and felt it was only because I was praying and willing to work on myself...I was now involved with the steps..I had moved past the point where my self reliance had failed..I was in recovery but I was not prepared for what was next..It would take prayer and meditation to look at my part in these many resentments..

Fearless moral inventory of ourselves, uh huh..Apparently much of the 4th is  about fear so, how to be fearless?...Every time anyone mentions inventory I have a few things that are carry on  even I myself,  won't let get mixed in with my baggage for fear of being found out or held accountable..They come right to mind as if they're never  very deep and give me that check please, I'm done, gotta run, it's just a little anxiety feeling.. No AA superstar is going to see MY bonus footage, that's for sure .. If I'm found out  AA will become one more place I have to avoid. I like AA and can't risk  pooping in my dinner plate so to speak..That's it, I'm just going to pass on the 4th step, I'm not ready...I've decided to skip the salisbury steak and just have some salad and an extra desert please..Second thought skip the salad and give me 3 deserts..There, that was easy...It's AA for God sakes, I just take what I want, like a big recovery buffet..They can try the rope a dope all they want, I'm goin the distance myself..
 
The book says a solitary self appraisal is insufficient..It also describes an inventory as something many of us have never attempted..It is an effort on our part to discover the truth, get some answers  as to why we make such heavy going of life...It also says if our conduct continues to harm others we are sure to drink..But we can always delude ourselves into believing we're not hurting anybody but ourselves..Yea, that always works..I wouldn't have all these problems if you people would just leave me alone ..I'm doing the best I can..

My best wasn't good enough..I was the failure, the mean spirited antagonist. Self Pity and fear ruled my life and resentment was my master.. My sarcasm teetered on a fragmented boundary of light spirited fun and in a second of self centered survival became an  emotional bloodbath..All the moral convictions I had were only for you, or to maintain my control over you, I could never live up to them.. Soo, maybe it IS time to write?

So, assuming I'm out there without a net, what do I do and where do I begin? Well? if you have followed me this far you may as well keep going..First thing that is critical to your recovery as far as the book is concerned and myself also is the belief in a spiritual power greater than yourself and some form of faith in that power..This is not an intellectual exercise  or credited course where hard and thorough study will offer the best results..It's more the opposite actually, more about letting go and having faith that this higher power will take us to better things, purpose, a reason for living..Simply, we trust in the god of our understanding and clean house..It's not a get a notebook and get to work program it's more like a ask god to take the pen and put it on the paper program, if you get my drift..If you have done your reading and identify thoroughly with the three pertinent ideas on page 60.
 
If you've made a decision in step 3 and understand the idea they encourage you to express on pg 63 than you are ready to begin, you need no more than that..Willingness is key to growth in understanding and effectiveness and will be provided by the higher power as we stay close and perform his work. The work for us now is described as a course of vigorous action..Sounds kind of Jesus freaky but I'm afraid it's true..We have chosen to believe rather than not believe..We have basically agreed that no human power can relieve our alcoholism..Not a wife, best friend, moving to Florida or even a new car, the power wasn't there..

Again, the higher power has all the power needed to take a  fearless and thorough moral personal inventory as suggested in the big book text alcoholics anonymous..We are on our way..We need not be afraid as long as we pray for guidance and discipline daily to take action and be of maximum service..It's not about us anymore.....We have made a decision to continue. 

I remember her loving attitude like to her everyone was a fluffy grey kitten..She was miss AA and wanted to feed the hungry and save the wales..I liked that and silly me would never have guessed she was in AA because she was an alcoholic..Certainly not the alcoholics I remember from the bar parking lots or late nights with the welfare heat turned way up..I would call this denial on my part..I'm so selfish I create their history so it's acceptable to me..They are the blessed virgin sacrificed to me by god himself to honor my sobriety.

The suggestion of no relationships for a year was for the sick ones and didn't apply to me. Although I had a sponsor, when I met miss AA  our communication dropped off like a ski jump.. I saw his lips moving saying something about steps and meetings and the usual ask for help stuff..I was more concerned with having a couple of guys cover me as I negotiated the room full of competition that surrounded her table on my belly in full battle gear...Oblivious to the fact I was at of all places an AA meeting I became obsessed with her approval..If she said hello with a 2 second look I was in and if we go for coffee we're moving in together..She will solve all my troubles..Her and I will go to meetings together, maybe have a couple of kids and buy a little house somewhere nice with her parents lending us the deposit..Yup, that's what I'm thinkin, I will be normal and everyone will like me..If only I can paint that picture as a backdrop for my stage play..

Never once giving any thought to a serenity back guarantee..I could do no wrong, I was not accountable for my actions..There would be no return of unused portions. No threat of dissatisfaction, We were full steam ahead..


Now, I didn't know anything about self-esteem really ,especially how I used other peoples opinions of me to validate myself. As far as responsibility goes I had a truck, license and inspection sticker, a hat trick usually standard  for the together crowd but a milestone for me..  I wasn't aware of how your opinion of me was more important than mine or how I was constantly doing your thinking for you...Honestly? I hated myself and would manipulate people to somehow pump up my self-esteem..
I used you to make me..This is a fragment of untreated alcoholism, nothing unique...
While I saw nothing when building this family dynamic or arch of freedom as it started to crumble I was overtaken with reality like I'd never imagined..

I had cut back on my meetings as my new found people worshiping recovery unfolded so as I felt more and more alone I decided to go back to Sunday night my home group like nothing was wrong..I'd just be the guy in a relationship hitting a meeting , just one of the guys..
Yes sir, nothin the matter here ma, ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin.Was it me or did somebody squeal on me? They knew I had the temper tantrum and they knew how I really was..I still don't know if it was in my head or not but I do know that was the beginning of the end for me..I was done, no longer could I figure out anything alone..I was beyond human aid.

As my reputation around the halls of AA as a psychotic grew miss AA moved out suddenly and took me with her..I was nothing now, just an empty void. I wouldn't ask for help to stay away from a drink, I would only beg for mercy that god would bring mama back and save me, fix me, take my pain away, relieve the obsession.....Things were bad.

My sponsor had gotten wind I was about to trim my pesky neck hair with a chainsaw and stopped by..I heard the knock on the door as I sat on the couch blubbering ..i didn't care anymore, I let him in.
He talked of life and a reason for living , sobriety and a reason for staying sober...I for some odd reason listened..I felt safe, like I was back in AA..We dove into AA and step work like drowning men and I have to say, things changed rapidly. I had basically pooped in my dinner plate in local AA so my sponsor brought me out of town every night..I began to work on me and my relationship with the higher power and may I say was not interested in getting in a relationship anytime soon..I was god and steps and eventually the new man..Some years later I met a great  girl in AA and the both of us having done much step work on ourselves we had something to offer each other ,we became good friends....first.

How do you find yourself when you have been lost for so long? I  have played the role of delusion and liar so long I have isolated myself from everyone and everything.

 I dont know who I am and what I like anymore.

Here I sit alone again. Feeling angry, pissed and sad. Feeling that urge just slowly creeping up, until it has it grip on me again. I feel it working its way up closer and closer. 
I know it isnt going to make anything better but oh how it would make me feel better right now. How alone I feel, my family doesnt understand and neither do my friends. They try and help and support.