Fellowship 12

Well? Crossed another time line I guess, the age thing, life with a rusty Step 7..I'm no longer able to identify off the cuff with the young crowd in AA.. It's more like watching a B movie where I haven't grown at all.. I see myself as a young man in AA and with my suitcase full of low self esteem, I can only see the horrors of my growth, my best is still bad..No different than before AA really when I could only see the horrors of my decent into self centered fear..When I look up at the young guy at the podium I see someone who I've been, the whiter shade of pale..Banging out meetings, banging out the don't drink message, banging all the young girls, banging my head against a wall of selfishness..Yes, I certainly hit AA with a bang..Am I all I will ever be? I feel I've been slipping backwards..Like I'm too busy with my head full of myself for God and even if I wasn't He is too busy for me. Too much stimulus.

It's almost like it's not really Alcoholism until I'm ready to do something about it, like I've detached from it in my complacency.. It's more like a social disease, justified selfishness where others are still solely to blame and I am the victim..Where I know I suffer from blunt force trauma but the culprit refuses to be identified or weapons found, I'm just hurt real bad, I pray but am still lost and alone...The only thing different here in the AA Fellowship is I'm not alone, physically anyway..I'm an Alcoholic in AA safe and protected in the sanctuary of Fellowship.. My new found friends are great.. Collecting my daily emotional security check is the easy part, cashing it is difficult as I still have no identity. So yes, I'm grateful and willing and no I'm not at all sure why..

Geese man, how tragic can these story's get? Drunk abusive parents or parent..Sexual abuse almost seems a requirement..Where I stayed, what I've done who I was..Those who've had some therapy stand out with certain key words like trigger and cry. They are the scary ones, they show up for their bi weekly counseling session for an hour with an emotional rototiller and then are dumped back in AA to stay at the shallow end of the pool until next visit..They are confident recovery is happening so no need for Steps or any recovery offered in the halls..In their mind they're being sponsored by a Doctor, with a license, with an office, a new Mazda, and above all drugs to make it all valid or atleast believable..That's their answer, their conclusion, they're simply sick.. Many never figure out the system, they buzz around the mile marker hoping to someday land safely, outlasting their impending doom..They are now free to flounder in life feeling themselves suitable for the norm...

So why all the negativity? I'll tell you why, because that's all there is when you suffer from untreated Alcoholism..I'm not saying negativity doesn't look better painted a deep chartreuse, it does..I'm not saying an invisible cloak of denial doesn't work, it does..I'm not even saying drugs don't remove fear, they do.I guess what I'm trying to get across is the Alcoholic even in AA without any Stepwork will flounder, circling in his own cesspool of negativity grasping at people forever. Finding a Spiritual Higher Power is not automatic, you don't get AA's 12 Steps because you need them you get them because you want them..Willingness is the key. Don't accept a drug that removes willingness.

So last night I heard a young guy with a few years since his last slip go on about how emotionally screwed up he was and then he talked about how emotionally screwed up he was and finished with how screwed up he was..It was difficult to watch or listen to as they were the same senses in me..I could feel it no matter if I saw it or touched and smelled it, the feeling was there...The next guy or kid really who took charge had to ask if it was AA or NA..He said an addict is an addict and went on to talk in depth about how screwed up he was and his heroin addiction with his boyfriend slash second cousin who was HIV and so on, lots of treatment center lingo...The Chairperson read a group conscious that stated please no vulgar language and try to keep quiet with respect to those who speak..By the end of the second speaker I felt as if I was a honorary ghetto gang banger with subwoofers on my stolen Ipod yo..Apparently shuffling around with your wannabe work boots untied and pants down around your knees is the style...Addressing each other with the complimentary N word and finishing with MF is also the norm..The wonder of it all..

What do I do now, how do I fit? Well? it's really the same old song and dance issue..Lionel Hampton's swing band or Elvis shakin all over to the Beatles white album and now rap..Times change but do people? Under all the homo promo and abuse excuse, the never ending search for some identity is just that, the search..On the outside is our candy coated shell of whatever suits us at the time as we create our own self worth through the selfish use and abuse of people places and things but underneath it's the same old Alcoholism..Selfishness and self centered fear..So as much as I think it's all changed and I'm a dinosaur in AA the truth is I'm still the man with the answer, I'm still the one who has to work the 12 Steps laid out in masterly detail in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous..Even after my long time sobriety no one is going to do it for me..Do I ask my Higher Power for courage and strength to give what has been freely given to me or have I fallen back to the beginning..Back to worshiping people, lacking strength to be of use to myself and others. No, I will ask for help, I pray for the right thought or action here to see these young people as I see myself..I will share my willingness, I will seek balance.

Tonight I'll go to the meeting that is known for it's distractions, it's waywardness..I'll bring an attitude of tolerance offered to me by the God of my understanding..Last time I brought 80 sandwiches that were gone in 10 minutes. These people are in trouble and my sitting in judgement out of my own fear isn't helping anyone including myself, I have to know better, I have to pray for direction constantly, I need strength that I alone still lack.....I'll understand we are people who generally would not mix but under it all is a common bond we all can agree with..We are Alcoholic sure, we are suffering or have suffered from a hopeless state of mind..Today we are in the solution, the Book. The directions are clear and have no age limit, gender prerequisite. Actually the sicker the Alcoholic the bigger the miracle to witness it seems to me.. I've found strength in Step 7 with the surrender of all of me to my God that I be given the courage and strength to be of service to the man who still suffers no matter his current status...

I want my sobriety today, I want the freedom to come and go with the power of the 12 Steps example. I can give all day long and still wake up tomorrow with the willingness to give again. I am sober and living life. I have found it, the answer to the big baffling question in my life..Who am I and what am I here for? Simple..I'm Alcoholic and with the God of my understanding am secure on the firing line of life to offer my experience strength and hope to the man who suffers from Alcoholism..What a break, I know who I am..Alcoholism still amazes me, how I can run myself out of power and forget something so evident. How I can disregard my entire existence with selfish delusion..

Maybe as old dogs we'll offer up what has so freely been given us tonight at the young peoples meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous..Keep the miracle alive. I'll revolve my day around it, hope to see you there.

After some 10 or 30 years of AA Big Book Steps the harsh reality of life as an Alcoholic was made clear to ME, be careful what you ask for because selfishness has no mercy, once it's here it doesn't go away unless it can take you along with it...

Although the AA surroundings are manipulated drastically there is no replacing the Big Book 12 Steps with a Handicap ramp..Still no lasting hope in self knowledge, now I understand pill, no intellectual cure, no crying out in debate atlast proving that life is not treating you right allowing you the full victim status.. More than not the facts are in, if you're going to survive with yourself you need more power..Running from barrel to barrel like a Rodeo clown is a workout and gives the impression you're a man of action but sooner or later you get hit with the harsh reality again, As good, as fast, as strong as you get you can't get out of your way...The inevitable end comes, your dead again.

That's you, your life, a long drawn out double feature of drunk and sober..What it was like, what happened and what it was like and what happened again and again..In the drastic 4th and 6th Steps as you edit the spelling and language is nothing more than a few recurring bad habits you could just never get over.. The fact remained you were still never good enough and nomatter how hard you tried the necessary power to move past it was not there...You killed yourself already, why can't you just die quickly..

Hey, sometimes you need to take a chance, get out of the middle of the heard and see where the hell your going..Take the lead..Look around, really..Look around..Take an inventory of the all inclusive picture you've painted in your sobriety and if you see fit? Make a few swipes with the brush..Stand up for what you believe,you know, the God gave us brains to use page in the Book.

I learned that if someone was constantly using me for their Step 10 cheese they were still drinking people. When I'm not there I become the topic.. It hit me one day that I must be the best example of AA Big Book sobriety with my get out of life free card because in 30 years nobody has ever made any amends whatsoever to me..It's obviously all in my head? One day I decided to stop listening to others subtle manipulation when referring to the right way to do the Steps and found myself eating my lunch by myself..Once I took the stand all sorts of remarkable things happened, kind of like back in the 90's when I took my collar off realizing there's no such thing as the AA chosen few..All that was is selfish empowerment. people worshiping with a Big Book in my hand..I need a negative to be positive crap. The latest version of you're screwed up and I'm ok..

My Hyannis men's alma mater doesn't read or discuss Bills Story. I think that is sad really. But also not my problem..I looked at those up in Vancover who reenact some beginners meeting format somebody said somebody else said by going through the Official Big Book 12 Steps in an afternoon with snack time as absolutely ridiculous until I put myself in their shoes..To those who know nothing, the crash course in atleast some understanding is 200% better than nothing so, my hats off to them..The Joe and Charlie workbook for those who are searching for the Big Book is certainly an oasis of experience and understanding..Expect a Miracle, Primary Purpose, Hyannis, Joe and Charlie, Pacific group, Denver, Maine, it goes on and on..

If I'm gong to be a source of recovery to the man who suffers I can't have an attitude of intolerance and the selfish sick mans prayer doesn't cut it( pray for them they are very sick)..

I am on the firing line of life today with my partner who by the way is not in the other room duct taped to a chair..I'll make a big bag of sandwiches tonight for this meeting that's in between gang banger NA and a desire to quit drinking with a stack of Court papers to sign..I'll listen for the passion, not the junky whiny scam let me make you dinner shite but the willingness..There will be somebody there who can make use of what I offer if I am willing to look..I'll know when I hear him, I'll understand. My attitude will let me wade through the sea of death and destruction safe and protected..I have faith, I have purpose, I have a reason for living, I will pray to serve the man who suffers with open mindedness..I know what it was, I know what happened, I am living what it's like now..I am the same coming or going, what you see is what you get..If you want it.

See you tonight at the AA meeting.

Terminata da poco la visita del presidente del Milan Silvio Berlusconi che si è recato presso il centro sportivo 'La Borghesiana' in maglie calcio visita alla squadra per un breve saluto di circa 50 minuti.

Il patron rossonero ha ringraziato la squadra e tutto lo staff per il primato in classifica raggiunto alla fine del 2010 auspicando che questa posizione in classifica possa essere mantenuta fino al termine del campionato. Soffermatosi a scambiare due chiacchere in particolar modo con mister Allegri, Seedorf, Pato e maglie 2012 Robinho, Berlusconi ha poi voluto sottolineare con una battuta come 'quando il Milan vince in Parlamento mi fanno le feste e ci sono facce allegre, quando perde ci sono tanti volti tristi'.

Sperando in un risultato positivo nell'insidiosa trasferta di Cagliari, il presidente rossonero ha poi parlato di mercato dimostrandosi molto contento dell'arrivo di Cassano ma addolorato dalla partenza di Ronaldinho: 'Sono contento di averti qui perchè sei uno dei migliori talenti italiani - ha detto Berlusconi che ha concluso definendosi - 'addolorato della scelta di Ronaldinho. Lui è il più grande giocatore al mondo per maglia juve 2012 quanto riguarda la rapidità di pensiero ed esecuzione, ma è stata sua la scelta di tornare in Brasile'. Presenti circa una ventina di tifosi del Milan fuori dai cancelli della Borghesiana per l'allenamento della squadra rossonera.

 (foto © LaPresse)

I was becoming a bit intolerant with my surroundings in Big Book Step meetings..It does say this program should continue for our lifetime it's just I was hoping for more specific direction I guess, like what it's going to be like 30 years after your 4th Step is complete..Seemed like I was still joining the usual poker faces spewing Big Book references to validate who they are or what they know..Although I still wore my Big Book Step lettered sweater for identity it seemed like I wasn't listening anymore, I couldn't hear. I was back arranging your thoughts to suit myself unable to trust. Somewhere along the path I stopped watching and selfishness was back. I was hanging onto myself like I had something to steal and you were the thief. It was time to grow again, damn..

What to do? Talk to others? No, I didn't trust anyone..Work with others? No, with my house out of order I had no message..I needed to pray for direction which was easy really, I could get lots of great wisdom in thought but then the hard part, taking action..I needed to listen, somehow..

I decided to join a men's discussion group which was really the complete opposite of the men's Big Book Step meetings I frequented with the discipline and direction..This discussion meeting was loose, I mean really loose like I couldn't understand what these people were doing to stay sober? Talking about the same shite over and over for sometimes 30 minutes was their program of recovery? It was nuts..I would prepare for days to get there with a new tolerant attitude and when the day came I'd show up, listen for a few minutes and leave..I was the Big Book Steps, I knew how the program of AA was supposed to be, I knew the Big Book not this Joe's anonymous crapola...

So I kept showing up every week and leaving early until one night I was asked to chair..I did my usual hit my knees and pray for direction routine in the men's room and led the meeting feeling confident as I offered my full adult dose of AA Big Book wisdom..I stayed until the end and thought it was a great meeting. The thought creeping in on my way home was the only reason I liked the meeting because I got some attention and they liked me..I felt sick. It was me, I was the thief not them..They were who they were with all the passion and willingness to stay sober and I was the needy people worshiper still arranging others to suit myself and create my self esteem..How did I get so sick with so much time sober? I couldn't answer except to admit I possibly fell off the Spiritual path some time back and have been winging it ever since..I obviously needed a refresher course in giving or atleast willingness to perform the Higher Powers work..I was deep into the old selfwill run riot though I don't think so delusion which is easy to talk or even chuckle about but not so easy to change when the problem is you.

I went to join another free flowing anything goes type meeting I would normally never join and then it hit me, I can't go back to when I got sober..I'm not the same person..Should I throw it all away or just cut out the bad stuff like the selfishness that's choking me and my recovery..I fell down with my Step work so now I have to start again? That's like instead of painting the front door of my house I'll put on a whole new addition..I know this mentality, this give it to me I'll fix it chaos..Look at me here, at my best I'm still the producer of confusion..What to do now..It became clear, I couldn't go back , or I could if I wanted to but I couldn't control the outcome just like I couldn't back then..I had to move forward, I had to seek God and overcome this selfishness..No rearrangement I could conjure up was going to fix me, no human power anyway.

I spent more time on my knees in the morning with Step 11 and began to carry the thought of my Higher Power much more during my day..I had a couple of justified resentments that I chose to gargle with everyday also and although the Big Book doesn't suggest writing them out in Step 10 I gladly did it over the course of a few days following the 4th Step format and saw myself all the more clearly..I would quickly pause when agitated or doubtful now and pray for the right thought or action reminding myself I was no longer running the show...The fear was falling away again much to my amazement..Although I had fallen away from my program I was gaining new Spiritual footing..I went back to my Big Book Step meetings and prayed to listen rather than cluck away to validate myself..

A new guy asked me before the meeting if I could sponsor him in the Steps and I said I'd be honored to guide you but before we get together and talk about it let me have a moment to pray for direction and we'll get together after the meeting..I told him I have been around a long time and have much experience with the Steps but to be clear the object here is to find your own conception of a Spiritual Power greater than yourself that will solve your problem. As much as I would love to I can't do it for you..My job is to keep my own house in order to best serve you with knowledge of when and how to give..As much as I may appear to have it together I am willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness daily on the Spiritual path also..I'm not the professor and you're not the student, we're both here for our day of sobriety and piece of mind.

Maybe see you tonight at the closed discussion meeting..