Well? Crossed another time line I guess, the age thing, life with a rusty Step 7..I'm no longer able to identify off the cuff with the young crowd in AA.. It's more like watching a B movie where I haven't grown at all.. I see myself as a young man in AA and with my suitcase full of low self esteem, I can only see the horrors of my growth, my best is still bad..No different than before AA really when I could only see the horrors of my decent into self centered fear..When I look up at the young guy at the podium I see someone who I've been, the whiter shade of pale..Banging out meetings, banging out the don't drink message, banging all the young girls, banging my head against a wall of selfishness..Yes, I certainly hit AA with a bang..Am I all I will ever be? I feel I've been slipping backwards..Like I'm too busy with my head full of myself for God and even if I wasn't He is too busy for me. Too much stimulus.
It's almost like it's not really Alcoholism until I'm ready to do something about it, like I've detached from it in my complacency.. It's more like a social disease, justified selfishness where others are still solely to blame and I am the victim..Where I know I suffer from blunt force trauma but the culprit refuses to be identified or weapons found, I'm just hurt real bad, I pray but am still lost and alone...The only thing different here in the AA Fellowship is I'm not alone, physically anyway..I'm an Alcoholic in AA safe and protected in the sanctuary of Fellowship.. My new found friends are great.. Collecting my daily emotional security check is the easy part, cashing it is difficult as I still have no identity. So yes, I'm grateful and willing and no I'm not at all sure why..
Geese man, how tragic can these story's get? Drunk abusive parents or parent..Sexual abuse almost seems a requirement..Where I stayed, what I've done who I was..Those who've had some therapy stand out with certain key words like trigger and cry. They are the scary ones, they show up for their bi weekly counseling session for an hour with an emotional rototiller and then are dumped back in AA to stay at the shallow end of the pool until next visit..They are confident recovery is happening so no need for Steps or any recovery offered in the halls..In their mind they're being sponsored by a Doctor, with a license, with an office, a new Mazda, and above all drugs to make it all valid or atleast believable..That's their answer, their conclusion, they're simply sick.. Many never figure out the system, they buzz around the mile marker hoping to someday land safely, outlasting their impending doom..They are now free to flounder in life feeling themselves suitable for the norm...
So why all the negativity? I'll tell you why, because that's all there is when you suffer from untreated Alcoholism..I'm not saying negativity doesn't look better painted a deep chartreuse, it does..I'm not saying an invisible cloak of denial doesn't work, it does..I'm not even saying drugs don't remove fear, they do.I guess what I'm trying to get across is the Alcoholic even in AA without any Stepwork will flounder, circling in his own cesspool of negativity grasping at people forever. Finding a Spiritual Higher Power is not automatic, you don't get AA's 12 Steps because you need them you get them because you want them..Willingness is the key. Don't accept a drug that removes willingness.
So last night I heard a young guy with a few years since his last slip go on about how emotionally screwed up he was and then he talked about how emotionally screwed up he was and finished with how screwed up he was..It was difficult to watch or listen to as they were the same senses in me..I could feel it no matter if I saw it or touched and smelled it, the feeling was there...The next guy or kid really who took charge had to ask if it was AA or NA..He said an addict is an addict and went on to talk in depth about how screwed up he was and his heroin addiction with his boyfriend slash second cousin who was HIV and so on, lots of treatment center lingo...The Chairperson read a group conscious that stated please no vulgar language and try to keep quiet with respect to those who speak..By the end of the second speaker I felt as if I was a honorary ghetto gang banger with subwoofers on my stolen Ipod yo..Apparently shuffling around with your wannabe work boots untied and pants down around your knees is the style...Addressing each other with the complimentary N word and finishing with MF is also the norm..The wonder of it all..
What do I do now, how do I fit? Well? it's really the same old song and dance issue..Lionel Hampton's swing band or Elvis shakin all over to the Beatles white album and now rap..Times change but do people? Under all the homo promo and abuse excuse, the never ending search for some identity is just that, the search..On the outside is our candy coated shell of whatever suits us at the time as we create our own self worth through the selfish use and abuse of people places and things but underneath it's the same old Alcoholism..Selfishness and self centered fear..So as much as I think it's all changed and I'm a dinosaur in AA the truth is I'm still the man with the answer, I'm still the one who has to work the 12 Steps laid out in masterly detail in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous..Even after my long time sobriety no one is going to do it for me..Do I ask my Higher Power for courage and strength to give what has been freely given to me or have I fallen back to the beginning..Back to worshiping people, lacking strength to be of use to myself and others. No, I will ask for help, I pray for the right thought or action here to see these young people as I see myself..I will share my willingness, I will seek balance.
Tonight I'll go to the meeting that is known for it's distractions, it's waywardness..I'll bring an attitude of tolerance offered to me by the God of my understanding..Last time I brought 80 sandwiches that were gone in 10 minutes. These people are in trouble and my sitting in judgement out of my own fear isn't helping anyone including myself, I have to know better, I have to pray for direction constantly, I need strength that I alone still lack.....I'll understand we are people who generally would not mix but under it all is a common bond we all can agree with..We are Alcoholic sure, we are suffering or have suffered from a hopeless state of mind..Today we are in the solution, the Book. The directions are clear and have no age limit, gender prerequisite. Actually the sicker the Alcoholic the bigger the miracle to witness it seems to me.. I've found strength in Step 7 with the surrender of all of me to my God that I be given the courage and strength to be of service to the man who still suffers no matter his current status...
I want my sobriety today, I want the freedom to come and go with the power of the 12 Steps example. I can give all day long and still wake up tomorrow with the willingness to give again. I am sober and living life. I have found it, the answer to the big baffling question in my life..Who am I and what am I here for? Simple..I'm Alcoholic and with the God of my understanding am secure on the firing line of life to offer my experience strength and hope to the man who suffers from Alcoholism..What a break, I know who I am..Alcoholism still amazes me, how I can run myself out of power and forget something so evident. How I can disregard my entire existence with selfish delusion..
Maybe as old dogs we'll offer up what has so freely been given us tonight at the young peoples meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous..Keep the miracle alive. I'll revolve my day around it, hope to see you there.