Fellowship 12

Well? I have no idea why this happens. I'm kind of living the quiet life not particularly active in the halls and liking it really. I do sponsor guys and hear alot of 10th Step stuff and wouldn't miss it of course.. I'm out there trying to live life sober and when I hit a Big Book Step meeting I enjoy the fresh new speaker who's on fire for God and the Book. I'm kind of a dinosaur, I was all over the place in years past, mostly in the 80's really, always going somewhere speaking on some Step as it pertained to my experience with the Big Book. I don't think I was any better than anyone else although I've been told I am different, maybe different perspective on things, delivery, not sure what that means. I want to believe it's not a bad thing. Atleast I'm not special, right?

A few months ago I was going along like I am today and all the sudden I was asked to speak on Big Book Steps at like four different meetings, one was this huge thing out of state.  This all happened in a matter of two days, then nothing for 2 months, back to my little world...Then out of the wild blue, I was called to speak at 3 different Big Book Step meetings yesterday from 3 different group people that didn't know each other...weird man..I wonder if the Higher Power is watching and thinks I'm getting too complacent and says HEY c'mon here! Wake up! time to carry the message there boy, this AA program isn't all about you, remember? If you're going to keep it, you got to give it away...

Tomorrow night is Step 2, willingness to believe. I'm looking forward to it pretty much..I know I'm not the entertainment with some laughable drunkalog with a hidden message, I'm not selling tapes. This is a Big Book Step meeting, people like me live for this. The Big Book 12 Steps are our life line..

The guy I was talking to said he wanted me to talk about having bad management like I did another time as the second part of Step 1 or 2 ish but I said sorry, I can't remember that stuff? I just pray to not do or say anything that would hurt anybody and please let me keep it on the Step of discussion and let it rip..The time I was talking about being a bad manager I was only speaking my mind and in a completely different day, plus I think that was Step 7 stuff, why God should have all of me good and bad....Maybe not....Anyway, I'm not a teacher or professor of AA Steps, I'm just a guy who's survived sober, practicing them like my life depends on it for a good while. I've solved the drink problem and undergone a psychic change, not much more to it than that my friend..

 So, anyway..Next week I'll head down the Cape to speak on Step 12 at a men's Big Book Step meeting. It's a long ride but I like it, I'll take a friend or 2 so we get a meeting down and back.
It'll be good...

I'm honored to participate. A day or maybe two after that I head to the other side of Boston to speak at an anniversary Big Book Step men's closed meeting..Closed meeting, alcoholics only..Not many of them left around here..And I'm told there's going to be copious BBQ ribs and salad..That's what I'm talkin about! Plus, a friend and I are taking a motorcycle trip there, if we've got weather.

I was taken back by the humility of the guy who called and asked if I could come.  I'd never met him, but in a way I knew him. He was the kind of honest humble sod who was pleasant on the phone and not phony at all, I like that..He thinks I'm some kinda good speaker and is grateful I accepted especially because it's their anniversary. .But I told him what the truth is,  I'm looking forward to listening to him any way I can if not just a hello and good to meet you hand shake..It's funny really, some of these guys have all the respect in the world for old timers like myself but what they don't realize is how much my heart goes out to them and how grateful I am to be a part of their recovery if only from the bleachers..When they want what you have it may seem narcissistic or ego stroking to those feeding their selfishness but I'm humbled, honored to have something to offer.. They think it's me that's helping them but I think it's them helping me..We both give. That's AA fellowship.

It's important for me to be clear that without the new man I wouldn't be here. I usually tell them straight up. Without the willingness he brings and the Spiritual demonstration he offers I could very well be somewhere in my own world thinking hey, it's been such a long time certainly one little drinky winky won't hurt me..Or who knows, I could be the carpet slipper guy in the Book. Or after a nice full dinner I enjoyed with the fruits of sobriety, a cocktail before bed..
How about I must be able to drink now, I have a Cadillac.

So I said sure I'll speak, I'd be honored to show up and share my experience strength and hope on whatever Step you want, I have faith in them all. It's not like I'm an authority on anything, I just pray and tell what I know that works for me. Actually, my mind is eerily blank up until it's time to open my mouth..I mean I really try and rely on the Higher Power.
Sometimes I am completely blank and at the last minute focus on one person in the room and try to meet their needs, it's the proper use of the will.

I heard a woman the other night speaking on Step 3. She had been around for quite some time sober and kind of gibber jabbered through it not really focusing on anything from the Book that I could sink my teeth into anyway..She was nervous and overly apologetic making excuses for nothing as their was a fairly big crowd, and she was intimidated.. I didn't think much of it one way or the other until after when I overheard another woman tell her friend how great it was to hear the speaker, like lights went on with the whole God thing..How she said some things that made such sense she was so grateful to be here tonight..

I was once again reminded it's not all about me here in AA..Many of us come from many different backgrounds and like the book says we generally would not mix..We share the common bond here in AA with a willingness to put the drink down and carry a message of hope to those who have none..The other strange thing is the guy who was all over me to speak is considered a high bottom drunk as he was financially secure with a family and good standing in the community which was basically the opposite of me so, who's to say..Who's to say what's right or wrong or even who's who..It's really just about each one of us and our experience..  When asked, we speak. We pray to be honest. We want to be of service to those who still suffer..It's my Spiritual foundation.

We may also be the only copy of the Big Book a new man ever sees. So it's important to live it if you're going to talk about it. Obviously you can't transmit something you haven't got..A vision for you pg 164, right?

 A guy told me he could never get in front of all those people like I do and share, he wouldn't know what to say. I told him if he didn't drink that day he knows as much as I do.

This guy I met at a meeting the other night was definitely in it deep. He had asked a friend of mine who I happened to be talking with to sponsor him,  he was introduced to me outside at the butt can where everyone was in their own secure element for about 5 minutes until the meeting got going again. Then everyone took their separate seats that they thought were safe before the meeting began, now after half the meeting and a smoke it was like everyone wanted to sit together. Nobody was afraid anymore. It always amazes me the effect the meeting has on everyone including myself......

The three of us stayed outside for a few extra minutes enjoying the emotional security. My friend told the new prospect he can rely on anything I say and trust my help if he himself isn't around. I felt honored by his confidence although not worthy as I was at the meeting because things were blurry for most of the day bouncing between selfwill and God. The new guy was looking to trust, to find some camaraderie, I could see it in his face. I wouldn't let him down and assured him he and I were in the right place to put down the booze and get on with a new way of life..There was much more to AA than talking about the problem.

Well? Everyone is different right? AA is a melting pot of alcoholism and addictions with varying degrees of selfishness and fear. Seems to be lately that lots of people are attracted to AA because of it's openness and willingness to accommodate most compulsive disorders out there. Lots of open meetings where the  drug is a drug crowd lives. Good for them.

Woo Hoo! Oh Boy, once in a while someone comes along without the usual Psychologist  induced prerequisite of depression, bi-polar, pdsd, sex disorder, food disorder, mommy doesn't love me blues..Like a full on drunk who really has no freakin control over themselves. Has no idea what the problem is only that they can't go on. Everyday, the same thing and when it doesn't work anymore they wish for the end, they are either drunk and mindless or sober and  hopeless.. Drink today? I don't know, not at 9 am that's for sure but by noon it's in full swing, they can't stop it, they are doomed.

So  anyways, this new guy looks at me and says his new sponsor calls him the live one and chuckles. I just want to take this kid, not really kid  he's probably fourties, under my wing and somehow give him what I have so he can live but I know that isn't how it works. He has to get right with his own God and get on with the program of recovery and then he will have whats best for him and those he touches. He talked for a minute about the only thing he could, the stuff he's made of like the recent divorce, the kids, no money, it's all he was, so I just let him talk like it says in working with others..This poor bastard was a mess but he was sober, he hadn't drank for like three days almost. He acted like it was nothing next to me and I reassured him how miraculous it was for an alcoholic of the hopeless variety to go just one day never mind three..Especially on faith alone without any real  Step work yet..

He said he appreciated the help talking to me. He admitted it's been a rough few days staying sober but today was definitely the best day so far. I asked him what time it was and we decided if he gets to sleep by 11 o'clock tonight he's got maybe 3 more hours until it's a successful day three..I stopped him and shook his hand, I said  you're the one who's helping me my friend. You're the guy who is struggling with his one day without one drink. In you I see myself in full color. Don't feel alone with me,  I was just like you many years ago not knowing what was up with anything really. I couldn't get sober as every time I tried I'd make it for a few hours and then I'd be drinking not even knowing why..Both you and me are in it one day at a time we're just in different days..We're here for each other, it's the fellowship of AA..The Spiritual journey.

We had a quick laugh, not a funny joke laugh but like a relief laugh. We were in the right place doing the right things and believed the right things were happening for us, it's a great feeling that is not to be missed according to the Book and I get it. It's about the new man, the miracle. The experience shared without motive, the trusted friends..So, he went his way and I went mine after that and I saw him with his sponsor leaving the hall when the meeting was over. I was fortunate enough to have someone ask me for a bit of Step 10 time after word and was honored to hear the honesty of a man who left his hopeless condition to God. He talked of his selfishness earlier that day and how it affected his relations with his family and such. How he saw his faults and prayed to God to take him to better things with the AA 12 Steps of recovery..

Funny I was overcome with his honesty and asked him If I could say something , he said sure man, so I asked God for direction as I was standing there just like I was doing before he started talking and then told him about how I also was intimidated by this guy earlier in the day and threw some sarcasm at him that was pretty brutal and obviously hurt him, all because I felt he was better than me or acting that way..This guy was a blow hard and stealing attention from little old me, whaa!..I said I' m going to give him a call when I get home and apologise for that selfish crap and if it's too late I'll catch him tomorrow for sure..

We both had a laugh at ourselves and how we weren't all fixed even though we've been around AA for quite a while. We were grateful we found the Spiritual path and had been given an opportunity to live life sober and free..We could be big boys and get honest with ourselves, clean up our messes in life right away without having them pile up and overwhelm us into the drink..We were living sober, we were alcoholic yet we lived pretty good lives.

Maybe see you tonight at the AA meeting and we'll get what we need for another day sober, we'll get into the Big Book, it's good stuff.

In my unmanageable world, everyday it's the greatest story ever told. Or endless line of crap, the big con. We're talking a masterful grift that I alone have played so well on myself I actually believe . I am convinced I can't stop drinking on my own because I am nothing going nowhere, never to amount to anything. I am my own enemy. As much as I point out even to myself how I have been victimized, how I've been dealt a rough hand, I know the truth. I know on my own I cannot ever get away from myself. It is a harsh realization. I am the problem, a self destructing machine. I will bring a good day down and a rough day into the depths of despair. I am unsafe.

  The truth or reality of things is unavailable to me, how I treat myself, how I handle myself, how I live with myself.. I am the biggest sucker, I am the one the jokes on, I fall for it everyday...You point and look down on me as if I should be in shame for my outward conduct. You have no idea what it's like on the inside, in here where I am alone with the monster, I believe in it, I am it. I cannot get away, there is no relief. It never changes, I can only hope to change you. I cannot  manage my own thinking so I measure myself by how much I can control yours.

Finally, being at the end of the rope I get a glimmer of something different and go with it.   I knew just as I know now I was boxed in, caught in my own web. The hopeless feeling that was like a sickening void of existence with who I was and what I was constantly racing around my head. I could think no more, my mind was paralyzed with fear of myself, self centered to the extreme. I was offered a last ditch option in the halls of AA, it was the 12 Steps. I was offered hope from a man I did not know.. I had known for a long while I was alcoholic without really knowing what it was. I mean alcoholic, drunk, loser, whatever, I could accept the badge, the label. It made sense .It was a good answer.I didn't care, I was removed from anyone who mattered anyway at this point. I had no one who cared and I certainly couldn't. It was me and AA..

Willingness.. It doesn't take much, thank Christ..I had no more than a spark of what turned out to be an attempt at asking my own conception of a Spiritual Power greater than myself for direction, to keep away from one drink for one day, get to a meeting..No grand awakening on the Lord in Heaven with understanding only previe to those with open hearts and deep religious beliefs. No, I was just another wacko in the halls of AA willing to admit I was hopeless and perhaps their is a better way..I remember thinking ok, whatever is out there running everything, the Great Spirit of things, maybe life itself, or even life and death I don't know, could you help me please..I'm really in trouble and can't take it anymore..I just can't go any further as I am. I cannot change myself.

I can't really explain the Spiritual world or even a thorough description of what it feels like to enter it. I can say that I was one way and then I was another. I was lost in my head and then I was thinking safe thoughts. I had no money or much of anything material really and then I had things. I felt good enough about myself to hang onto a decent coat and clothes. I was relieved of fear just enough to work a bit and get some money for food and smokes..I kept going to meetings and not drinking and working a bit until in short order I had a place to sleep with some security.Why all this good stuff coming my way? I can only say it's because I was willing to believe in a power greater than myself. I had a new found faith that if I kept on with the AA program I was somehow going to be alright. I knew I was burnt pretty bad and felt fortunate for what little I had..I was beginning to live . I was willing to believe I could live not again but in a whole new way, a peaceful way, like I always wanted but could never have on my own.

My willingness has shown itself in many ways , I went to two AA meetings a day, I got a sponsor..I showed up early to set up and stayed after to clean up. I became the greeter at the door and had many a coffee maker job. This was new. I was a part of something, I was learning to participate in AA and then life. The lights were on and I was home..I did my reading and with my sponsor was ready to make a decision in Step 3 but right up to that day I prayed for willingness to believe..Let me get what others who understand my plight have received in their 12 Step work. One day without one drink, a feeling of purpose, a willingness to help. I know it sounds pretty simple and lacks power but I have to say it's all I did. I was willing and in time was saved from the continuing life long insanity of alcoholism.

Hey, we have to start somewhere and for me it began with a little willingness. Maybe the same goes for you.

For me anyway, It started in the section of my 4th Step where I began to notice where I was at fault. My sponsor had suggested and it made sense to me that I get on my knees and ask for help, calm down and take a good look at myself and the others in and around my life. Put God first. I knew at this point my troubles were in my head, I had tried everything and was out of options. It mattered little that it wasn't everyone else as I couldn't fix any of it anyway..Me, them, whatever..I could not get honest with myself..

I would gather fragments of information, assume things were a certain way,  then act on what I percieve as reality, I was dishonest with myself, it was easy to see when I finally became willing to look....


I was really talking at people and elbowing my way through life, everything was intense. Always corrective measures, somebody getting in my way. Always trying to maintain my reputation I didn't deserve, the dishonesty was really killing me now, I was done, I couldn't remain sober unless I could somehow change my way of thinking about myself and life..Almost like other people were thinking on their own without first checking with me so I was out of the loop. How was I supposed to figure out when and how to give when I'm constantly trying to keep up or figure out the right approach? It's like I couldn't manipulate anymore and without that I was lost I mean what comes after dishonest? I couldn't understand giving if I couldn't understand why I was giving, as I didn't seem to get the proper response from others anymore. The fear became paranoia, the self-pity became depression.The selfish motives became guilt and shame I could no longer hide from myself.. I'd give of myself and it didn't seem like anyone cared so I would give harder, still not getting my needs met.. There was no recognition for my giving, like my kind generous act was no big deal, others were doing it already...I'd offer assistance to others and put the effort in yet they would simply take it or leave it. At my best I was only looking out for myself.

I kind of knew I was on the wrong track as I couldn't seem to shake the selfishness that accompanied my willingness to give. Things were changing, I was introduced to my selfish behaviour and it blocked out all else. I suppose I wanted people to like me so if I was the kind generous type, that was supposed to just happen automatically, I'd have a host of friends.. Simple, If I acted like a generous person people would like me. I wanted to be liked, that was apparent. I saw nothing wrong with that, being liked..It just that as an extremist I needed to be liked, if I wasn't I was nothing, there was something wrong with that..

Or was it more manipulation, like they would need me because I portrayed someone who was always there to help. They would depend on me, I would save them.They could rely on me as their broken hearted saviour, the one who carries the burdens of mankind , seen it and done it. The one friend who will understand anything. I would become their best friend, their only real true friend. I could be as important to them as they were to me. I would be the most important thing to them, they would include me in on everything they did, all their thoughts, their secrets..A special bond, we would be more than they would be with anyone else. Why as I pushed to make this happen, I pushed them away.

Am I that screwed up in my head? How have I even lived this long if I'm this dishonest with myself and my motives. Am I some level of mental retardation that goes undetected as long as the sufferer keeps moving and isn't caught? I don't get it...Why am I so messed up, I just want some friends and have some laughs and be happy..Why do I always have to manipulate others into liking me or accepting me? I guess as always it comes down to me, it's not them. I'm the one who's re arranging people to suit myself, I'm the one who feels they know whats best for everyone but really it's so I can be comfortable as the center of attention. Why can't I just be honest with people and be myself? Maybe I just don't know what myself is, maybe I can't face my fears, my insecurities, maybe I just hate myself but figure if you like me I'll be ok, but no matter what I still hate myself..

I am beyond human aid, or human manipulation or arrangement. It doesn't matter what I do or what others do, I still am dishonest with my condition. I live in full flight from reality. I need spiritual help, the human understanding created by humans for humans just doesn't work, I am a glutton for emotional security. I can't be satisfied with an equal share, I need it all and even that is never enough..I'm a taker so I'm not just going to become a giver, not as of yet anyway. The power isn't there. I am in need of a Higher Power, something much greater than myself if I'm even going to understand roughly what the problem is here. I either find God or go on to the bitter end alone, unable to understand why I'm hated, why I feel different like always the odd man out unless I have it all..Why can't I have two close friends without feeling they like each other  more than me. To see myself turn on a friend in jealousy is horrible., but the fear is too much. I can't help myself.Why can't I get past the mentality of an eight year old...I'm a grown man with the emotions of a child.

Sure, It's still difficult at times. I've learned that I was exposed to things as a four year old that just threw the brakes on my emotional growth. That's some sad stuff for sure but knowing is only as good as the willingness to use it. Knowledge is great stuff right? But that in itself will not give me the understanding I seek. I will always be the victim and from there nothing grows.  I'll never figure it out as it's not the intellectual cure that's needed anyway, it's the emotional strength and courage that's not going to just all the sudden show up. The solid character building blocks..I can't grow new legs right?

I support my delusions as my only hope to deal with life sober. I have only found one alternative to this way of thinking and it's God. My whole existence has been built with scraps from others I've stolen for myself. I stand for nothing, I am only pieces of people. I am in need of complete reconstruction and If I go ahead and do it myself I get the same results over and over, I just can't fix myself. I can't even copy you and get your results.

So, to the dishonest like myself, the manipulators who've become the baffled lot, I say join us on this Spiritual journey. There is much hope here in the 12 Steps. Along the way we lose interest in selfish things. We see the act of giving without faces, it is when and how not who and why..The Higher Power seems to have a handle on offering courage and good self esteem to anyone who is willing to be honest with themselves and their condition.
 
Hey, I just put it out there my friend. I may seem to be overly immature or wallowing in self-pity, I may appear pathetic and overly sensitive. You may think I was better off drinking. You may just want to smack me upside the head and tell me to smarten up. Give me a good talking to so I pull up those boot straps and get on with life, grow up. Stop whining and be a man. Let me be clear, I would rush a burning building..I just can't give it a second thought.
 
Freakin get it together is what Daddy used to say. Ya know? If I could, I would..If it was only that simple. If I didn't have to do what I do just to maintain a level of emotional security I could put more effort into my boat or motorcycle or finally finishing the damn bathroom remodel, but it's not like that..I work on my recovery everyday, all day..I'm a sober real alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I must remember my recovery from this hopeless condition everyday, if I can do that then I have recovered, I have solved the drink problem and undergone a sufficient psychic change. 

I myself must remember before I throw myself under the bus that I'm not drunk today, I'm not abusing anyone today, including myself. I've been lifted from a pit of despair rarely seen by the common man. I arrived in AA a hopeless drunken alcoholic plagued by guilt and shame yet I live as a sober part of my surrounding life. I participate and am constantly learning how to give others the benefits that have been given freely to me. Mostly these benefits take the shape of  understanding, patience and love. It is part of the freedom of bondage, the freedom from self will. I may not be all good things all the time but I am there, in there, in those principals somewhere.. It's where I live today. I am never without hope.

I am honest with myself today. I am no longer in need of your approval to give me strength to sustain myself, I have a God of my understanding. I come and go as I please really with no concern of who's there and who am I going to be. I want to give and I'm not concerned with who takes. What was freely given to me cannot be stolen. There is no need to steal what is offered free. Whats mine is yours. I am honest with my condition and have found peace..When I was willing, when I surrendered and opened my heart, it was there..
It is here now.

See you at the Step meeting tonight and maybe pick up another piece of the puzzle....

Things were so much easier when I could sashay around the Big Book meetings with my 4th Step experience  in tow. Yep, I did my 4th, I answered the big question thoroughly, was my conduct selfish or not? Of course it was. I asked myself why I was selfish many many times when I was writing where I was selfish dishonest self seeking and frightened in all my resentments, the absolutely revealing where was I at fault part...I knew I wanted my needs met, I knew with such low self esteem I selfishly wanted what you had to give me some strength, Yeah I was a people worshiper. I selfishly concerned myself with what you thought of me or what I thought you thought of me. I knew that left on my own I was really only concerned with my plans and designs in and around my life and I was using you to hopefully provide for me..If you could validate me, laugh along with me listen to me accept me, great.  I knew that if I didn't get my way I would act out in self seeking behaviour. Even if it was all in my head. Self, self pity, self delusion, low self esteem, low self worth, no self control, no self reliance, everything was self, me me me...And to think that before I did any of this Step stuff I thought I was the victim, poor thing that I am, nobody loves me, nobody gives me a break, I mean just look at how hard I try.

Well? that basic awakening got me in the game..But now to survive I must work Step 10 everyday and that leads into a continued life sober with new situations and people places and things..Each day a new beginning right? The 4th covered my conduct over the years past but now I was awake and life was coming at me fast...It was Steps 10 11 and 12 or have my selfish misery refunded, my choice. I realized if I've come this far it's apparent I cannot turn back. The selfishness whacks me out, I can't live with it even if I wanted too, not and live sober with it anyway..It's too intense with the fear and everything that accompanies it, I just can't handle it anymore, I'm too burnt..I got my big break already, I got sober and found a Higher Power and a spiritual way of living..So I have to maintain it, big deal..I have to look at myself, let God show me my defective character, get honest with my selfishness.

I can't go back to the Men's discussion meeting  where you were treated as a cocky know it all if you referred to the Step solution.. Or the Big Book was good for getting the wood stove going in the dead of winter when you sat there alone with your resentments and selfish self pity to obsess over everyday..The hour and a half long whine fest is my recovery, sorry man, those days are gone. I know too much. I like the results I get when I'm hard on myself ..When I pray, when God lets me care enough about myself to help myself, it's a great feeling.
 
Ok, I'll admit I sometimes wish I could go back into just don't drink today land just so I wouldn't have to monitor my conduct and be accountable for my actions, sure. Take a vacation and have everything including my mind go away for a few weeks... I could just be the guy who's an alcoholic and who's horrific calamity is still on going so nobody expects much anyway, even though he has stopped drinking he's still freakin nuts and everyone who's left still around is afraid of him..Yeah, I guess I get selfishly thinking why do I have to always work the program?I guess the answer is because I used up my right to live on my own terms, that's why..It's over for me. Sober spiritual way of life in AA, or else..

Damn, I had to look at my selfishness just a short bit ago because I was all cranked up over this AA self appointed wizard named Bob, who wrote a 4th step guide based on the Big Book and was handing it out to newcomers around town. I caught myself right away with a self seeking comment to another about how it's not Bob's anonymous and what right has he to alter what is in the Book. Like if the Books wrong and I'm into the Book, now that makes me wrong..I'm under attack here yet I don't really even know Bob..When the other person I was quietly bad rapping Bob to agreed with me I  felt the strength of the emotional security I just selfishly manipulated, I felt strong now that it was me and him against Bob. It did make me a little uncomfortable and after a minute sitting in my crawling skin I got the hint, I saw how I was going for distance with the gossip and criticism, but why? Or better yet, who cares? why can't I stand up for what I believe and tell others how I feel about this. Well? I suppose if I wasn't assassinating Bob in the mean time I could probably voice my opinion but I can't.

I could see I was being selfish and was full of self centered fear to the point I really felt threatened. Trouble is it was the selfishness that was screwing me up so bad and I wanted to believe it wasn't me and my thinking it was Bob..I didn't want to admit I was responsible for how I felt, I wanted to feel justified but the recovery started to creep in and it was time to look in the mirror .

As I took a minute or paused with Step 11 and asked for direction as I was definitely agitated and doubtful I began to get a clearer picture on why I was so mad at him. Truth is I had written a new and improved re write 4th Step format some 20 years ago and before I did anything with it I saw how it was a selfish move on my part to rearrange the program and people for my own gain. I was in it for personal gain like notoriety and approval from others, even though I was at first convinced I was trying to help others with what I had learned in the Step work, certainly I could with my knowledge and wisdom offer a better way I mean I live this stuff man.....I was like the guy who says his God is the right God for you because it works for him..I'll  speak of intolerance while being intolerant myself.. 

As I thought If I can't do it then Bob can't do it I was selfishly wanting to make him pay for how I felt about myself..I wanted to steal from him what seemed to be giving him strength. Without the Higher Power, it's every man for himself, I take what I can to make me who I am..The self seeking motives were flowing..I think I even said that we should pray for Bob. That always works to manipulate others into thinking I'm a man of God and really care when really I'm trying to make him look sick and in need of help..Selfishly I use the God card I am actually embarrassed to admit...

Plus, I've been watching  this guy Bob and he's got money and is well spoken so he's obviously smarter or on the ball more than me and I had that little tidbit in my arsenal filed under J for jealousy but it should have been under S for selfishness as that's all jealousy is. So when this came up about the 4th Step guide he wrote, I think I said hey, it's not an intellectual program and this Step work isn't some college course in an attempt to bring him down to my level, more selfishness..I needed something to justify my lack of education, which always makes me feel inferior.. This way I could selfishly cover my low self worth by saying it's really about God and entering the world of the spirit not being smart..Even an idiot can ask God for help right? I'm basically covered there.

So, here I am, not spiritually fit and worshiping people because that's just what I do without God in my life, it's the illness, the extreme alcoholism explained in the Big Book......So, this situation comes up out of the blue and intimidates me with things Bobs done sober and I can't control him so I revert into my only way I know . A common survival tactic to get a grip on myself..People dominate me so Bobs everything and I'm nothing, always the extreme..I speak ill of him to pump myself up..Make him look bad so I look good..Funny thing is, he doesn't even know I exist, this is all a fabricated around selfishness created to protect me from something that I perceive to be threatening ..How quickly people get in my way,  what a selfish bastard I am..So because I'm weak without God in my life for strength I've fallen to my knees before people basically..Sick..I've talked behind his back, I've basically lied to the other guys I was talking with to gain their security and I deluded myself into thinking he was against me and I had to over power him to feel good about myself again.

The weird thing is if I was spiritually fit none of this would have happened. No bad rapping, no emotional hostages..I didn't have to support his 4th Step plans but I certainly didn't need to react to them. Why should I , it's not about me , has nothing to do with me and for all I know it works well..I go by the Book so if it's not in the Book it shouldn't be my concern, this guy is out there learning just like me..I want to grow in understanding and effectiveness with the Higher Power because when I'm not paying attention or following Step 10 constantly watching for selfishness there it is in my face, and I'm already in some sick immature selfish thinking sucking the life out of my surroundings to attempt to validate myself..I have no courage or strength, I'm just a common thief out stealing  the security I lack from others.

Anyway, just thinking about a bit of selfishness here and the more I hang around the Step meetings the more it becomes clear to me..I am what the Book describes as extremely selfishness and self centered. That's it, the root of alcoholism..It's not what they did to me it's what I do to me...

See you around the halls and we'll talk about how selfish we can be and how we are grateful for our way out, Our willingness to live on a spiritual basis, keep the selfish thinking in check..Sobriety is so much better when I'm spiritually fit.

I'm not sure how I feel about the many in and around the Steps that have found a Higher Power suitable to tutor them in their new sheik recovery program.  A God, who on his down time or time when I'm not giving Him a single thought just sits and waits, more like a good butler really or nanny.. He seems to be on call waiting. I see this as the perfect situation for me, God or Jeeves is everything I need Him to be. All hail God. Whenever I fall on my face coo coo for coco puffs and turn to God He's there to pick me up and redirect me to what I really should be doing, how I should be living, the upstanding pillar of society I was before I fell victim to such dastardly earthly evils, certainly brought on by others in my drunken stupor...Just keep bailing me out, be there when I need you and I'll go back to Church.This is the last time..I'm back to AA and by God, I'm serious this time..

It hit me one day, I mean, what if their really is a spiritual side of life? What if there is an underlying force without a face and without any human touch that actually exists. What if everything is really a positive or negative flow where it either is or it isn't no matter what it is..Even if you think it isn't it still is, you must have something in order to deny it..Uh oh, what if the Spiritual side is the positive? Where does this leave me? Am I in the negative? Is selfishness and fear the negative side of all things human? Is selfishness the negative side of humanity? Sure thing Mr. Whoopee, what about the whole primal thing and science, space, the big bang, Jesus and those guys, aliens in the ocean vents that lead to the center of the earth, Darwin, Buddha, Chuck Norris, there's alot of information out there, all the Holy wars, everyone seems to believe they're right. Hey, isn't that selfish?........

I remember as a Big Book Step fanatic years ago ( unlike today right?)I was obsessed with selfishness as it seemed to be behind all of my existence, it was everywhere. It had been stated in fact that my alcoholism was a result of selfishness and fear and I believed it much as I do today. Anyway, I prayed to my God to grow in understanding with selfishness. I mean I really got down to it like I had never heard of..I accepted the mission, I prayed to not be afraid and look deep into who I am.. I thought about selfishness for about 3 weeks everyday, all day. I looked for selfishness in everything I did from everyone I interacted with to my thoughts when I was alone. No books or knowledge of others on the subject just me and God. I relied on God as I opened my soul to show me my selfishness without outside influence.

Well, by the 4th day I knew more about selfishness than anyone I knew. Wow, I am really something right? Any time I brought up what was going on or the work I was putting into  trying to understand  my selfish behaviour it was met with I'm being too hard on myself to I'm flat out crazy and have really lost it this time..Or , that doesn't sound very happy joyous and free to me.

 Yes, I was met with more selfishness, that's how others would cope with something they didn't understand. I was selfish in thinking that I knew more than everyone around me and they were selfish trying to steal those feelings of power from me. Not much positive stuff going on here. Weird man.. They would naturally, ( just like me)  protect themselves from their own self centered fear.. The selfishness was everywhere, not just in me..It was like in the world of the weak, we were all the same..Others who were put off by me would become fearful if only in the slightest way but enough to grapple for security as I selfishly appeared to be threatening, by belittling me or throwing some sarcasm my way, same as I would do. Anything to get a grip on the emotional security they lost when I went off on my selfish I know something you don't know because ( I'm working harder on it than you) journey into recovery..I've learned something you haven't learned..Only those like myself with low self esteem that lack courage and strength to stand on their own would rely on worshiping others to make them who they are. I was the cocky Big Book know it all in their eyes and as sorry as it is, in my own too...I saw myself in my selfishness as the one I myself was always looking to avoid or if I got too close, get control of them and push them away.What I fear I am, If I look hard enough I see myself in you. I don't like myself , that's why I don't like you...

I had been bombarded with epiphanies filled with understanding like a great mathematical formula was being revealed to me that I myself wasn't even trying to understand. I knew I couldn't understand the Spiritual realm of life, I needed faith.. Simply praying for direction and keeping an open mind the willingness took over and was my guide into the knowledge and understanding needed to overcome selfishness..After the usual easy selfish stuff came and went like cheating, lying, manipulating, stealing, masturbating, delusions of grandeur, being needy, feeding my flesh, fantasizing in my mind, hiding in my delusions, it was get down to business with selfishness time for me..As much as I was committed, I was not ready.

 After another day or so I saw that I am selfishness, and there wasn't much else with me really..It was in my every thought to some extent, it was behind my every move. Everything I did in life was at some point because I needed something you had. This was rarely obvious, it was mostly emotional needs that were being met like the things offered freely in the Spiritual realm I tried to create for myself here in my selfish world by using you. Sure there was all the self seeking behaviour I was always using to manipulate others to suit my own needs but then there was a much deeper side of selfishness. I could pacify myself in my mind by rearranging any scenario to suit me.I used people to pump myself up even when there really was no need for it, I was just doing it as a normal course of supporting my being. It is who I am and unless I reveal myself, who would know. I'm living two completely different active lives, one is what I am and the other is what you see, neither is real, it's that simple..I am a master of deception.

I saw myself as a  manipulator. I became overwhelmed with how I saw myself moment by moment and the reality of it all. Even my willingness to change was corrupt. I said I believed I was here  to help others recover from alcoholism and sure I wanted that but I also had to justify going to meetings and the old life of calamity that had been exposed. Plus I enjoyed the reputation of a sober AA guy around the halls. If the company wasn't right I may deny AA or even make excuses why I believe in God. If so suited I could find fault in you or your God even if we were alike. Me me me, It's all about me and my terminal uniqueness..

Everyday a self appraisal, everyday I created my own spiritual world by worshiping people, manipulating my thoughts of you in hopes of gaining my only acceptable understanding, do you need me, do you want me, I'm needed, I'm wanted, I am my own distorted conception of God in my thoughts and actions and you are not. You are simply here to serve me, provide emotional security so I may survive my days here in my Hell where I don't trust or believe in anything but me... I am selfish to the extreme.


So, what now?

Sorry but I found no easy way out, no quick fix. I don't take the Bible literally but I do find it's life teachings matchless..I can only hope that each man who discovers the extent of his selfishness can find balance between his Heaven and Hell. I have I believe been fortunate to fall back to an understanding of selfishness than doesn't make my perception of Heaven on earth Hell. I may have found one key to put on the chain and that's my willingness to surrender to the Great Spirit of things. If nothing less it's definitely a starting point for me.
One things for sure, there's me and there's my understanding of God, that hasn't changed really..
 
This is the strange part, I believe everything I need to know about living life today in my condition of selfishness and self centered fear is in the 12 Steps that are laid out in masterly detail in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous..Much of the other literature is not for me as it is the experience of others. I am so extreme that everything I know I've just learned..I live moment to moment trusting my God to provide the necessary tools to perform his work well and if so, others will observe my honest thought and deed and see me as a power of example. It is the Fellowship of the Spirit. I am not afraid, I have nothing for you to steal, I have no need to protect myself, everything I am is for you.
 
When I seek direction from my God constantly as it is suggested I get a Spiritual understanding and peace I can't duplicate any other way..Not by being kind or considerate, even acting the trusted friend to one in need. Sure it's all good stuff  but I've got a selfish motive somewhere somehow in there, it may not be obvious but if you look hard enough it's there..But with God I feel free, almost like I am removed from myself and powerless over my selfishness. I don't want or need it. So when it says there is one who has all power, that one is God, may you find Him now..I get it. I believe it, I am convinced it is there.

In my balancing act I do fall off the beam. I rely on myself and make decisions based on self and in the grips of selfishness I hurt and get hurt. I never seem to get the fact that I'm hurting myself to hurt you. I settle for less when I attempt to make you pay for my selfish feelings, bring you down to my level so I am not intimidated by you and feel equal if not better than you. I get selfish pleasure seeing you squander in trouble as I do. I don't like it but It still happens. On the other hand I work at serving my Spiritual Power greater than myself everyday with the intent of performing  Gods will all day in all my affairs..There are times when I go for days unshaken with the willingness to serve my God. I'm getting better at it.

Anyway, I'm not here to teach you my way or give you what I've stumbled on as the secret to living sober. I have little if no formal education or religious leanings. Anything I know about life sober I learned through AA's Fellowship and the 12 Steps in the Big Book.   Any security I've found with  God I found on my knees in an act of complete surrender. As I let go of myself and became willing to seek a spiritual solution, it was provided. Nomatter how self centered the problem was.

So, if you want to know what I know, I found it in the first 164 pages of the Book..The good news is you may be completely different and yet by following the Book you too will grow in understanding and effectiveness as it pertains to you, your sobriety and your life..It's here if you want it but it doesn't seem to make any sense unless you need it..From what I've seen, an admission of hopelessness is required. 

 I also need to remember I'm not just supposed to read it, I'm supposed to do it..That makes sense if action is needed to escape my mind.

See you in the Book my friend, share your experience. Just like those before me figured out, it's all about the daily reprieve.

I was genuinely happy for my group member who had sobered up and did the seemingly right things by following the AA program of recovery.She was now living a decent life grateful to have her children back in her life. The state took them away as they were at times neglected if not discarded in past years of untreated alcoholism. She tells the story of how she would drink the food money, pass out with lit cigarettes and regularly get beat up by the ex with her kids cowering ringside. How she felt she deserved to be beat on as everything was her fault, her feeling of guilt went way back to her childhood. She was constantly plagued by memories of sexual abuse from adult roll models in her life.Who she had become was the one person she was sure she would never be, her mother. The one who denied everything and either would not or could not protect her..Also, the person she was sure she would never marry was the same as her crazy abusive stepfather. She saw how she couldn't help herself, she was drawn to the need for approval. There was security in the familiar. If you abuse me you must love me..

She is always at the meeting, always a kind word and spends much time with new women looking for some help. It's great to see this whole AA thing in motion. Like someone shows up lost and without hope, they meet a few others who care and understand AA's primary purpose and in a matter of days or weeks are looking much better. They put the booze down and make friends with those who share a common bond. The healing begins.

Tonight a guy at the meeting whipped out a new photo of his son , handling it as if it were priceless jewelery. It was sent to him from one of his ex wives who none of us even knew existed. The look on his face began to flush and he quickly put it away. I knew this feeling. Sure the story goes or headline reads of how a mother loses her child and all are saddened but what about a man? What happens to a man when his children are removed and he is to blame, he is the easy target. He's just a kid in a mans body really, barely 20..Over amped with work, money, bills and what everyone hoped would be the beauty of a family lifestyle. He can't keep it together and turns to alcohol for relief but his self centered fear is too advanced for that. The booze grabs hold, picks him up and takes him away from everything, he cannot come back...

His current life and all before and after are halted, everything is removed..He is judged unfit by those around him who expect him to know life without learning, gain wisdom without experience. The expectations are many and overwhelming. Anyway, what about him? Do we just look away and deny his love because certainly crazy doesn't have feelings?He is kicked to the curb and emotionally punished for being emotionally immature. None even try to help, they are all afraid for themselves and aim for the heart. The man who loses his children is murdered, he can try but pretty much from what I've seen, he will never live again. He's dead inside..A man who has lost his children is a man who has failed at life itself.

He is not going to recover from his vicious cycle on his own, He lives his life responding to his never ending history in the making, his badge. His only response is huh? what? I don't know, I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt anyone, please leave me alone..I can't drink, I don't want to drink, I'm just trying to live with myself...

So I put my hand on the picture guy's shoulder and said it's ok. It's ok my friend, we're here for you. We understand, you're safe here. We may seem like just be a bunch of wacko alkies here but we pray for your safety. We won't throw you away. That's a great picture of your son. You should put it up in a frame where you can see it everyday. Let yourself see the beauty of it, not be afraid of it..Keep doing what your doing in sobriety and if you don't let yourself down, you won't let him down. All the other people around him well? You got to just let them move on to what they feel is best for them. Learn as we have with the 12 Steps to care about ourselves sober..The Higher Power, the Steps, your sponsor, commitments, come out where we can see you, do not be afraid and when your son eventually does want to see you, you'll be the best you can be. You'll be sober and willing to communicate..You'll be able to say I love you with the courage and strength of a real man. A mature man..Besides all you may think, your emotional security is all he needs from you.

As I went outside to leave, I bumped into my good friend and actually first sponsor who was standing there with a smile and handshake. I laughed as I remembered being so resentfull toward him I almost drank over it, years ago. It was a time when I was unwilling to work on my 12 Steps and was holding on desperately to the obsession with my new AA wife and how she left me for another woman and how that made me look in AA. I had taken a big crap in my dinner plate so to speak. All my meetings were filled with someone that knew her and from that, I thought they must know something about me and I was sure none of it was good. I was really full of fear like paralyzed with it, just hanging on to my sobriety by a thread.

So we reminisce of long ago in early sobriety when in utter desperation I go to my sponsor with my huge life threatening earth shattering dilemma and he just calmly looks at me and says whats the matter? People getting in your way? I was ripping mad. We laughed at how that anger was actually what pushed me over the edge into hopelessness and my only hope possible was back into the Step work. It probably saved my life because at the destructive rate I was going it was just a matter of hours, maybe days, and I would be drunk or worse, I mean I really could have hung myself..So we laughed a bit at ourselves and spoke of how we were grateful for our sobriety and the lives we lead today.
Just then my friend with the picture of his son came out and was leaving and I said hey, can we see the picture again? Show Joe. He took it out and said to my old sponsor Joe this was his son with kind of a formal introduction tone. Without skipping a beat Joe said hey man, what a beautiful picture, Wow! you are the lucky one, you must be really proud of him. He looked me in the eye and said yeh, I am..My son is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen..

It was quiet, Joe knew what he meant and so did I. We knew how it felt to have that picture in our wallet.

Well, I was seated near the door as I didn't really know anyone at this meeting. I really didn't know what I was doing  here anyway, these weren't my kind, not Big Book Step people.  They were still thinking and talking about their lives as drunkards and all the past  jackpots as if it was funny,  as if  somehow that would bring about the camaraderie needed to overcome alcoholism. Kind of like going to the psychologist only on a bigger scale. I was drunk and fell down the stairs  Ha Ha Ha, Boy I can sure identify with that Ha Ha Ha..Like degrading yourself was humility or a good laugh at  the hopelessness of your condition was the fellowship of AA..Making good use of the old there's  strength in numbers ploy. Sucking eachother in for the emotional security.

 Of course being at a strange meeting  and self centered to the extreme had nothing to do with my attitude of holier than thou, right?  I had myself justified  with all my years of wisdom that there was no need for me to participate as I knew what everyone was thinking anyway.. I could see the twenty or so other alcoholics in the room were obviously on the wrong track. If I couldn't understand what they were doing than obviously they were screwed up..I set the pace, I create the standard..They don't know who I am, I'm an undercover Big Book Thumper..I'm the all knowing Big Book Step sponsor posing as a common alcoholic, just one of the guys, yep...I am here for one night only so if anyone wants to be saved just let me know before the meetings over because I can't hang around afterwords and chit chat about personal issues..Ha, They don't even know, I could whip out my 12 Step badge and book them all on a chapter 5 (not following the path) and have this meeting shut down.
 
The problem is, I'm afraid of confrontation so  instead I will sit and not participate with a pouty face in protest of this gathering under the AA name.. Those around me will see I find something wrong with the meeting and admit their fault. They will feel the shame of it and then I will lead them to the Book..This is justified as I'm the man with the real answer, not to be confused with me selfishly sucking the life out of the room with selfseeking manipulation as it may appear. If you people think that then that's your problem.


Hey, just look at the facts here, from the very beginning reading the three pages of  secretary's report nobody cares about,  taking up time into the all of 2 second moment of silence devoted to God, and on to passing the bucket of candy around that sounded like a big crinkling crunching bag of potato chips while the speaker is qualifying, my face was getting hot and my undies were starting to bunch.

 Here we go, Bob the really old  old timer interrupts and says if you want to drink just have some butter scotchie hard candy and unloads a pocket full on the table in front of him or better yet a big milkshake but then realizes it's not his turn to share. This dude is freakin old and has been sober for like 40 years .. Instead of going back to the right person in line it skips over to another row and the guy behind to Bob the old guy starts talking..I have no idea how he thought it was his turn but whatever. This is completely unorganized, plus now it's going to take twice as long to get to me, if at all. I count the people and check the time.  I'm thinking maybe the chairperson is doing this on purpose so I don't get to share, he may know who I am and be intimidated by my experience in and around AA..It's possible he's heard me speak from the podium.

Moving a few people down the row finally is this lady sharing her heartfelt scenario about her dead husband and just then the chairperson starts passing the basket and everyone wiggles and digs for their dollar for the 7th tradition. Don't try and control me man, I'm not going to cough up a dollar just because everyone else is, and by the way I'm going to ignore you when the basket gets passed to me and teach you a lesson on being considerate, or make you pay for how I feel, right? ..Oh, and I'm a quarter in the basket guy and that's it..Besides, I'm pretty sure that their group money never sees New York and is getting spent on candy, coffee and hall rent. Plus a pile of cards, cakes and medallions so everyone can pat themselves on the back. That's another thing here, this is a conference hall and probably cost a fortune to rent every week..What happened to the non profit church basements of yesterdays AA..

The beat up AA hottie next to me extends her hand  and says hello. She says she's seen me around and with that tiny bit of recognition I smile and inflate myself  to enjoy the ego stroke..Finally a self esteem boost, some recognition.. I catch the eye of another in the room and they smile as if to welcome me to the meeting ..Maybe these people aren't so bad, it just takes a bit for them to warm up to me after all they are alcoholic.

The topic is gratitude and everybody seems to be grateful they're not drunk today.They're just not grateful for the Steps and calling the fellowship the program, I just don't get it..The Steps are the program right? The fellowship is the common bond..I don't know here, maybe the common bond is part of the program of recovery. Maybe the Steps are meant to support the fellowship...I'm confused, these people are all sober and not practicing the 12 Steps like the first one hundred did so is this AA? Am I the screwed up one for sitting here thinking everyone is wrong? Am I the one who hasn't lost his egoism and fear like it says in the Book? Am I still playing God rearranging others to suit me the same as I did before the Steps? Or even before I got sober? Is this what they call a dry drunk? Am I a dry drunk? Damn man, I'm all screwed up here and these people talking and sharing seem to be happy..

How can I be around AA so long and still be screwed up in the head. I'm embarrassed sitting here and really feel like an outsider. Atleast at my Big Book Step meetings I can quote the Book and dazzle others with my superior knowledge. I can see how even that is using people, it seems I'm boxed in. I'm playing God and of course misusing what I think God is and just selfishly abusing the power I think God has, man am I whacked out. I'm totally lost and my thinking is all over the place.Come to think about it I haven't even been to a Big Book Step meeting in weeks.
 
This person sharing now is all about the importance of asking for help one day at a time, this is good stuff, I need this. I feel small and insignificant when she talks but for some reason comfortable, I'm not so intense. I need to listen to her even though she's only been sober for a few weeks. That's the program I need even though it's not Step talk. I have alot to learn, I'm way off track. I'm so full of self will I can't accept anyone unless their giving me the attention I feel I deserve or call it what it is, worshiping me.
They're just being nice and I'll take that as submission. They're saying hello and I'm thinking they're bowing to me. Talk about talking down to the alcoholic, thinking it is just as sick.

I got to change my act right now. The meetings over and I can't leave like this, I need help. I'm going to talk to someone and try to not judge, God direct me to what you would have me be..Please remove whatever self will is blocking me from you and my fellows..Direct my attention to what you would have me be... Well, this is better I think, everyone isn't so scary.

Odd, I reach out to shake the guys hand that I was belittling in my mind earlier with a genuine feeling of gratitude to be here and be part of the meeting. I don't even know why but I feel different. Could it be God, could God help me this fast? I am asking from the heart so maybe He can. I can't help but smile at the girl I thought was too young to be alcoholic . She's the one who said she always feels better after the meeting than she did when she arrived..I get it. It's not all about me, my plans and designs for AA living..Lots of people have recovery that works for them. Hell, looking at who I've been for the last hour at this meeting I'm the sickest one here and I was convinced I was the one with the real answer..
Like the guy in the Book who's selfwill run riot but usually doesn't think so, that's me!

 I'm going to pray to accept others as being who they are today, right now!. I'll pray to be a part of it all not the star attraction. I'm grateful for my day of sobriety and see my own head as the problem. Damn, I can get screwed up when I rest on my laurels, again like it says..I'm willing to do something about it. I said goodbye and thanks for the meeting as I passed the smokers at the back door. I still felt alone but in a different way. I was by myself and going on with my day nolonger full of fear trying to justify myself. I wasn't alone in fear that no one understands me and why can't they understand I'm the man with the real answer..I feel right sized, meetings do that and I know, I got a piece of it...I'll keep coming.

See you at the meeting and even if you can't look at me, even if you hate the freakin world and all it's people, I'll put out my hand in welcome. I'll show  you my gratitude for AA and my day of sobriety. I learned something I already knew today, I've learned it more than once before, this time maybe I can keep it going..I'm grateful to those who continue to show me how it's done...It's good to be back.

How self centered am I really? I mean can I find fault in just about anybody or anything to justify myself..I actually seem to be trying to find my purpose here on earth by filling in my emotional void with you as I live your life.. If I do what you do I get what you got right? Then tweak and manipulate it of course to improve it and I have whats best. I stole the emotional security from you and now I'll sell it back for a price, that's the kind of friend I am..

I'm saying being co-dependant to the extreme is not a good thing.

 No wonder I don't stand for anything and am constantly worshipping people and their opinions. Hoping to be a part of the latest trend so I can feel secure in my ever changing identity, purpose.  I'm a chameleon, all things to all people..Any port in a storm for this selfish freak.. I live my relationships with the assumption that you will leave me any minute, I hang in the balance on every word, every situation...I am capable of turning on you at any moment if I lose control or  feel I can not keep up.  Their is nothing to support me but you. I must master our relationship quickly or be cast aside as the unimportant pawn that I am. I cannot just be a part of us or our relationship it's all or nothing with me, all me or nothing.  I cannot be found out, I avoid reality with lies that even I believe about myself..I must cover up who I see as a sickening selfish man full of hate and contempt..So on the outside, I am your best friend, the jet pilot, the daddy you never had, it's you and me..Stay with me and I'll protect you from the mean corrupt world that is waiting to devour you, you need me..
I'll save you from life's doom and gloom, but who'll save you from me? I am afraid and assume someone will take you away at any moment, someone better than me..

Make way for jealous rage and extreme needy insecure behaviour.

I take what you have learned in your own life and apply it to me  as mine with the usual arrangements that will suit me. I am codependent. I gather information about you and decide how you should proceed..I'm so detached from myself I would hardly guess what color my own shirt is without looking, it's you..It's all about you..I'm your living proof but when you aren't there I struggle with who I am and the loneliness and fear that accompany a life without purpose. You have gone away if only for the day and emotionally, I went with you. I am again alone in my void now left to fend for myself, to find another life to live. In a panic I search my mind for some emotional security and get lucky with memories of a past relationship where although I failed miserably, it's something to hold on to and once again rearrange the outcome to better suit me. This time I left you because you wouldn't understand me and you're the heartbroken one.. I wallow in it grateful for the security I find in the familiar. Weird but I am somehow comfortable when I am hating myself..Abusing myself..I can then fly freely in full flight from reality where I'm safe.

Damn, once again or as usual I am a nothing, you have proven that by not showing me attention which I interpret as leaving me. If you loved me you'd revolve every moment of your life around me..I can envision you with others having fun without me..I am back to the beginning, where I was before you.  When I am nothing atleast I know how to act, I have a full closet of things I've said and done that prove I am worthless, I am bound with my emotional bondage..I feel no one is as sick as I am. My ego even has me convinced I am the  sickest of the sick like it's a good thing being the best at being sick..

I search again and again for another life to live, how about 45 years ago my childhood friend who did write me a letter? No, I never wrote him back , he was a rich kid and being my friend was just a fluke, I wasn't good enough to be his friend... The girl at the beach with blond hair who really liked me? Who cried when I said I didn't trust her around her old boyfriend who she kissed on the cheek and I flipped out in jealousy that turned out to be her brother. No, she would have found out I am the high school drop out with no friends and no home, that's who I am, that's all I'll ever be..I'm the violent psycho boyfriend from hell who wonders why no body loves him......I wallow in my self centeredness full of self-pity finding fault in everything I am or have ever been. It's where I belong. They were right, I'll never amount to anything..

I finally get my girlfriend on the phone and she says why don't I do something constructive with my day, do something for myself? How about getting my car fixed, as I complain about it every day atleast once..I agree as it's what she wants me to say and hang up feeling betrayed, worse than before I called as I didn't get my needs met, it's like she has a life without me that I can't control...I can't imagine doing anything but counting the minutes watching a mindless movie waiting for her to come home...I fantasize of calling her again and hearing a mans voice in the background giving me a reason to be right, she is cheating on me and doesn't really love me..I'll yell see, see, this is why I don't trust you!!

I hate myself, I don't want to do anything for myself..I take this attitude of selfishness to the many unfinished projects I have around, lots of things I've started and no one had shown interest or appreciated so I just gave up as I'm not going to do anything just for my own satisfaction..One by one I take an inventory of my fragmented life in my crappy house on my crappy street on my crappy couch. I wish she was here so I was happy again.

I tell myself  in a grand shot of self reliance that I'm going to do it, I'm going to have a good day just by myself, doing things that will make me happy without her, responsible things, rewarding things..Things my neighbor the together guy does, yea, I'll do what the neighbor does and be like him, my girlfriend likes him so if I do as he does she'll like me and want me....Right away I  realize it's stupid to fix my car as it'll never run right anyway, besides , the neighbor has a brand new car...He's everything and I'm not.

I should pay my rent but what if I never get any money again, then what..This place is a dump anyway, the landlord doesn't care about me why should I care if he gets his rent..I did clean up all my junk in the yard and he didn't even thank me. Isn't it normal to expect approval from others ?

So what happens to somebody like me? Somebody so entrenched in a life of selfishness and fear they aren't easy candidates for the Big Book do the Steps in a afternoon and undergo a psychic change sufficient to overcome their illness. What about those of us who are atleast in the early days considered unteachable, the ones who are incapable of being honest with ourselves..All we can seem to accomplish in a day is don't drink go to meetings and ask for help, anything else just doesn't seem to register yet. How do we get sober in AA. Are we even welcome here? Why are we condemned for being so sick? What if we are so selfish we won't read the Bible because we didn't write it, what if we are too afraid to learn anything as we are holding on by a thread now and won't risk being shaken up with new information or the risk of options and change.... 

Will it be assumed we have the wrong Higher Power here in AA? What if just being in an AA room full of people with lights bright is overwhelming our self centeredness with stimulus. We find our seat for the meeting and would pee our pants before risking walking to the bathroom in front of everyone.
What if we're not bi-polar III or IV and aren't privy to the latest money making pharmaceutical discovery. We don't even have an ID  or drivers license never mind the courage to show up  at the crisis center and see a Doctor..Some of us couldn't make an appointment if they were handing out money..What if we're just good ole whacked out drunks who really just want to quit drinking and live a little without the mind crushing fear of people..We are so badly mangled that like myself, sitting at the noon street urchin meeting was safe and the only real security I knew of in the beginning of my sobriety.

We don't care enough of ourselves to take care of ourselves. I study my favorite shirt in the mirror yet am afraid you will notice me in it..You have all the power.

Anyway, we're the ones that never get our families back and although there is communication, which is great so don't get me wrong here and for some simply a miracle . Harsh realities of the alcoholic broken home are made clear when the children hang onto a different link of the same dysfunctional chain that we do. We may not have started it but we are surely a part of it and it can be repaired and patched up even altered but it will never be restored to what would or could have been so the blame is still there....We can never fix our past we can only learn to accept it and live with it with earnest desire to never repeat it.
Some of us haven't been touched by an angel or filled with white light and woke up from our alcoholic sleep to see only the good that surrounds us, we may have become aware of peaceful things and life has certainly become worth living as we attempt little by little to share whats in our heads with others in AA, but the truth is clear, we will have to work at it to feel we deserve it and we ourselves are good enough for the benefit of a day of sobriety.

No longer can we assume grandiose things that will suit our delusion. It's time to wise up.

  So for those who are the chosen few that have great understanding of the Big Book, the AA 12 Steps, it's history and it's riddles, I tip my hat to you.. You have shown no need for Fellowship...To those who have unlocked the true meaning of the 12 Steps of AA, and the true meaning of God as suggested by the early members, great. Your AA journey in over..

I guess I'm just speaking for myself here as someone who has never in my life been able to meet up to my surrounding expectations and that's one reason I drank to die so to put the drink down and live up to yours is not going to happen, atleast not on your schedule. I can't stay sober and grind my axe or please people anymore, sorry man..

So I'll be the one who leaves because AA wasn't for him and drinks himself to death, the sick alcoholic who found too hard terms in the simplicity of the AA program. After I'm gone I will be described as one who simply wasn't ready or wasn't willing to do the work. Most will validate themselves with any number of cliche's placing themselves safe and protected in their false neutrality.

Wait, there's one more hopeful steppingstone left for me today. I can just show up at any AA meeting I want today. I can stick with those who go to meetings all the time if not everyday..I can go twice a day if I see fit..I can be one of the meeting makers that make it today sober..And if I wake today being chased down with a history of restraining orders and police arrests, ex-wives who despise me and the mind jamming need for their approval, I can ask my own conception of a Spiritual Power Greater than myself  to please direct my thinking, not drink and get to the meeting where I'll find camaraderie and fellowship with hopeless folks like myself who are making it one day without one drink..Slowly we understand the priorities of the day in AA..Each day a new beginning filled with hope. Each day a day of sobriety. Sometimes by the hour but we are doing it, we're actually doing it..We're sober today!. 

We ask for help, we don't drink.. We review the list on our refrigerator if we are fortunate enough to have one that reads, brush your teeth and shower..Eat something and put on clean clothes for the day or clean under drawers anyway..Get to the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous early if you can and set up chairs and stuff..Make a friend or atleast talk to an old one at the meeting, get a sponsor. Notice  others in their sober day and remind yourself you are not alone..Go to a discussion meeting and say something even if you think you're an idiot, do it anyway, it'll be good to get out of yourself and begin to trust that others are on your side and not all are against you, judging you..

Hang with your newfound AA friends and smoke cigarettes and drink coffee all day if need be as long as you don't pick up that drink today you'll be ok, everything else will take shape as it should in it's proper time as long as you stay sober and don't drink between meetings.

Don't give up on yourself today my friend, you are not alone..Many have walked the path as you and are here living proof that the sickest of men can recover from a seeming hopeless state of mind..

I'll see you there and we'll put the drink down together..

Well? I've been surfing the web again without my tinfoil hat..You'd think by now I'd know better..
   
Digging into the personal opinions that surround AA's historic beginnings is  like searching the family tree in hopes of some personal validation and finding out your great grandfather was a axe murderer. What ever happened to that if it works don't fix it slogan anyway, was that just to cover up the great AA conspiracy? Geeze..It seems like if you have something good to say about AA you better have a good defence strategy in place before you open your mouth or start typing..

So, what about those of us who aren't meant to be philosophers or AA teachers or great speakers. Those of us who aren't huddled over rare books engineering the complete in depth perspective with all it's historic relevance. I mean what about the average guy who's got a serious drinking problem? Does he really need to be exposed to the shock and awe drama of the media mimicking journalist wannabes who put the drink down only to be obsessed with justifying years of unpaid student loans?

Now, I'm sure like anywhere else in life it's good intentions that pave the road and the opinions in and around AA are there to fill in potholes as needed, like Bill W and his LSD trips or how 10% of his estate went to his mistress..I mean lets focus on that, right? How the Oxford groups weren't really that important and  what about the telephone operator that connected Bill to the Church from the lobby of his hotel. And who were the religious people that Bill thought were right, exactly..I want names. I mean really folks, why? I love it when some self appointed AA guru says freedom of speech is good for AA like the orange papers and Christian recovery groups create balance. Really now, just stop the phoniness, please...
 
 There will always be the weak that delve deep into the leaky personalized information pot in search of the power to manipulate others to suit themselves, oblivious to those who's wisdom exposes the intent. How could they know? Reaffirming their uniqueness and convincing themselves that they and only they have found the true AA covenant. Kind of like the squeaky wheel that gets the grease until the wheel is so greasy it falls off. Or how bout the morphine button to push whenever you feel pain, it may start out as physical pain but usually ends up as mental, I push the button to cope with the fact I have to push the button..I may feel I'm a failure at life so I find fault in others to pump up my self esteem whenever I need to. My self seeking motives may start out as a whisper but become a scream as the need for emotional security intensifies..Hey, a subtle stab in the back or a full on psychotic episode of rage..Either way I get what I need.I am at times manic with rapid delusions like should I just kill myself overwhelmed with fear, followed within minutes with a heartfelt arm stretched let my people go..

 Well? the good news is alcoholics like myself are in general so self centered that none stay on stage for very long without having to regroup and adapt to the people they worship that hopefully continue to make them who they need to be..Today's peacock is tomorrow's feather duster or you reap what you sow used to apply as a  antidote for such a stage presence but not today, today with the drugs available for the many alcoholism related insurance supported illnesses a man can go on arguing forever without the usual humiliation or anxiety that would usually accompany anger and resentment....Basically a man can be alcoholic and take drugs that remove the willingness to change. Good for him I guess.
I know for me anyway if I had a drug induced lifestyle in AA it certainly wouldn't be necessary to devote my life into the 12 Steps, I was already recovered as long as I took my pills..

I couldn't help noticing in myself that I hated everyone equally. I didn't really care about race creed religious leanings, rich or poor, fat skinny tall short funny ignorant old young. Although if there was a so called pre existing handicap it was all to the good like if someone intimidated me with their knowledge of AA and they were also fat, I would dislike them so much easier than if I was alone with my intellectual ignorance..A simple comment about their weight could insure a he's screwed up and we're ok response from another to comfort me. I create the  fellowship I crave  of self righteous egomaniacs with  inferiority complexes by assassinating any character in my path. I speak incessantly of the faulty AA fellowship from my self upholstered chair..I am never accountable.

 Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say that this whole resentment selfish selfcentered thing goes pretty deep for me.. Sure, not everyone is as sick as me or in need of such in depth inventory. Many are just freakin grateful to put the drink down, grateful to stop and stay stopped. Their lives clean up enough so those in and around their circle are living acceptable lives with a balance of understanding and denial. Like, don't ask, don't tell. His sobriety is enough for all involved right now and maybe forever..The wind has stopped blowin and by the way, God Bless us all, every one...

What now? I'm basically out of my mind and have yet another chance at quelling the physical allergy of a day of sobriety but maybe not another chance with my head..By the second or third day without a drink I'm completely whacked. I become completely obsessed with things I've done an said in my life and how I've failed at everything and how they're all wise to me and hate me..What do I do, where can I go for help, I need help but as soon as someone tries to help me I act like I'm fine..I can be ready to kill myself and if someone asks how I am, I say fine..It's like what you think of me is more important than what I think of me....I'm so freakin afraid of being abandoned I won't let anyone close unless I can control them and I can't control the folks around the AA halls, their wise to all that stuff and aren't going to let me play them..I'm completely lost without my ability to use people as sorry as I am just saying that, it's true. I really suck..Nobody is going to help me. Why would they, I'm just a loser, everyday the blame is on me.

I don't know about the whole Big Book Step debate and the right or wrong way of becoming a member of AA.The fact that I need the Steps right now or just kill myself because going to meetings isn't proper recovery doesn't make any sense to me..Seems like everyone is arguing over who's the most tolerant. I like the guys I see at the meeting who are staying sober and just living their lives.

I'm going to follow up with all that these AA meetings have to offer starting right now..I'm going to commit or try to anyway, go to 90 meetings in 90 days like my new sober buddy Joe is doing. He is at the meetings I am at and sober. I'm going to give the God or Higher Power thing a shot, tonight I'm going to get on my knees and thank my Higher Power for my day of sobriety if I make it and I feel pretty good about it as of right now. I know everything would be much easier if the girl I saw at the morning meeting was my girlfriend, we could move in together right away and all that but I hear I should stay out of new relationships until I clear up a bit so that's fine I guess..Perhaps I can actually learn take care of myself.
 
I'm going to join this group ( the easy does it but do it) group today even though I joined the men's group last night, I'll belong to two groups, I'm doing the group thing..I heard someone say an alcoholic in AA should only belong to one home group, I don't care, I don't even know who that person was..I want to find a sponsor and do a 4th Step and most around here say it's important to have a sponsor who's done some Steps already to help guide you, seeing I don't  even know what the hell a 4th Step is, or 7th or 8th... They're looking for a coffee maker at the meeting I was at last night, maybe I could do it and get active like the guy earlier was saying at the meeting..If not I could maybe become a greeter here and just stand at the door welcoming people as they arrive..Say hello and welcome with a handshake and smile. Yeah man..

I feel better already in my head just knowing I'm kind of a part of something here. I'm going to meetings and I haven't had a drink today. By now I would be crazy with fear , I mean I am not working, I'm broke, I'm in real trouble  and it's safe here with these people and present circumstances aside, I feel ok really. This whole go to meetings, ask for help get a sponsor and join a group actually works..In spite of myself I feel pretty good, I'm sober.

I'll be at the meeting later tonight, probably going to end up with 120 meetings in 90 days but I guess the point is I'm willing to go to meetings, I'm willing to stay sober for one day by following some AA suggestions and really. whether they are the right or wrong ones and who thinks what doesn't really concern me right now I just don't want to drink..I'm going to do what the other guys are doing that are sober today here in AA..

See you there.