Fellowship 12

Another drink, just one more drink and I may join the missing. You know, like the guy who you knew in school and you see him twenty years later and wonder what could have happened to him..He's gone man..Drugs and alcohol got to him. Why him and not you?   Are you smarter? Are you actually like him and can't see it...Do I really know what I look like to others  out there? I fancy myself not that bad even though I've  just admitted i'm in a hopeless condition at an AA meeting for the tenth time..Am I really mildly retarded and no one ever told me so they wouldn't hurt my feelings or were afraid of my reaction?..Are they someday going to lift up their masks and yell SURPRISE!! You're retarded and we love you anyway, we never told you so you wouldn't think you're different....I mean really now you're scaring me here, I've fallen short or below average at everything I've ever done in life..Could this be true?

Newsflash! I'm different...An extreemist.  I can't drink alcohol in safety, I'm easy prey to misery and depression, Even with the best of breaks I can hardly make a living, I've been so remosefull and guilty of my past I automatically erase my history as it happens..I am overwhelmed with fear of my past.. I am alone in a crowd, A void, an endless display of self-centered fear and pain wandering aimlessly going nowhere..I am one self imposed crisis after another sometimes many in the same day..I can repeat them without warning, one minute I'm fine and the next I'm completely detached from reality....

I found one thing that shuts me off,  does the job, allows me to be like you and them and everybody else, allows me to have a frieken laugh once in a while,  and it turns out to be demon alcohol..And now I can't even drink it anymore..I'm screwed.So I ask myself how serious is this whole alcoholism thing? How far gone am I ? Has alcohol done this to me or was I like this allready?  What are the chances of becoming a social drinker now with lots of self will.

Damn man..I think I've allways been a bit wierd even as a little kid I felt odd like I never fit in..The square peg in the round hole..I've allways hated people because they never showed me enough attention, huh? where did that come from..

Gotta say too, I don't even know why really but the whole sexual abuse barrier from when you're little is like a giant wall jockying for position with you, allways blocking you, not letting you get by it so you can just go home..It's allways there holding you hostage.

All the love in all the people in all the world can't fix me..I know this now..It doesn't matter how much they try and how true their heart or even how bad I want them, I will choose myself,  my selfishness will prevail and in the end leaving me alone and resentfull with my self-pity..I'll take all you have to offer and still want more. If you survive you will be tattoo'd with the memory of loving an active alcoholic in the grips of his illness..You'll know what it means to waste your time.

The day came for me when although I was against religion and intimidated by those who believed in God I threw up my hands in utter surrender, I had enough pain and suffering, I needed help and only through my own desperation became willing to believe..It was great news to me that I could commence this AA program or seek God on a simpler level that the heavy hitters who spoke of church and the bible as the begining and end of all. So I started by asking in the morning for the God of my understanding or higher power if you will to keep me away from a drink today..As days seemed to stack up in success I began to ask that this spiritual higher power direct my thinking that I don't do or say anything that would hurt others..I began to see I had a self-esteem problem sober and the problem with my self-esteem was that I didn't have any..I only had you and what I thought  you thought..And what I thought you thought I thought..I was a first class people worshiper, I certainly didn't like that idea and seeing it in front of me made me willing to want change.

Anyways I'm doing pretty well today. Nothing high tech mind you just a willingness to believe in a spiritual power greater than myself..Lots to do down the road but today I pray for willingness to believe..I get to my meeting and above all I don't drink today..What I knew before of what the future brings I can't rely on so I'm just going to focus on today, my one day in time..My day of sobriety..It's good, I look forward to some dinner and a shower then my meeting..As rough as things are right now with personal stuff nothing is going on that a drink won't make worse, I believe that..

I know I'm wacked, maybe more maybe less than manyon the AA path but that doesn't change the facts..I can't drink today,  it's become quite clear that no human power can relieve my alcoholism .. I've tried people places and many things  which at best only brought a temporary repair to my broken charactor.  God could and would if he were sought today so,  thats what I'm up to..

You're welcome to join me in the solution. We are willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness with the higher power today..We'll  have purpose. There's lots more steps or  action and work to be done and if you're like me,  without the courage and strength from the higher power I won't do it..It's just that simple, I won't care enough to take action and help myself I'd rather wait in hopes of you doing it for me...I'm so selfish I expect it from you.

So, yea..It's serious to me..Tonight lets sit up front and listen, be gratefull we've made it this far. Be gratefull for our one day of sobriety, we'll keep it simple.