Fellowship 12

Man, how'm I supposed to carry a message in this people forest I'm wandering around in everyday..Everyone is so different doing different stuff I can't keep up with the changes going on around me. It's all so big and I seem so small..Maybe it's not about them and what they're doing or what they think , maybe I'm not some special AA pony express messanger taking it to their world..I'm not supposed to be selling something door to door or boundry to boundry..I tell someone about my wonderous recovery gift or package and wait till they emotionally sign for it or agree with me, validate me. Promoting the message or talking it up only seems to open it up for debate, which by the way I an terrible at debating and never fricken win..The only way I win a debate usually is finally telling the other person to shut up..I need to somehow live it, be the message rather than put it on and show it off as the days grand spectacle so new and unique to everyone, the latest thing in twelve step wear....Like isn't it amazing I've found AA and exposed it for the endless stream of smiles and clever one liners that it is..We're all happy here. No matter what you think you've heard , don't listen to it,  AA is good..

I had to begin to accept the facts,  except for my mum eventually the you're doing so good and I'm so proud of you talk had began to fade  and there wasn't much to talk about. Everybody didn't care that I was sober and if I was continously  sharing the blessed fact of it all I should be prepared for the backlash, I wasn't prepared,  instead I began to tread water splashing around caught between the new life in AA and the oldlife of me drinking and screwing up...I had this foolish idea that if I just stopped drinking  the certificate of appreciation would come, I mean really, look at me now..No gutter, no problem. I remember saying how great life was in AA and how much my life has changed and my brother said,  how about getting a job and paying me back the money you owe me now..My party hats and horns had melted, I was crushed...What a jerk I thought, he just doesn't understand sobriety, doesn't he realize the long road of reconstruction ahead? I can't just get a job, what if it interferes with my fifteen meetings a week..

I eventually got into the steps and joined my compadre's in the puzzle making business..I make a piece and add it to the puzzle, I make another piece, and another. I could see for the most part  it wasn't so much what I thought,  it was what I did. How I conducted myself. I had hired mythe higher power as my general contractor and with a new boss was building my life where as before I was only a spectator. I began to take care of myself instead of waiting or hoping someone would come along and save me with love and a white picket fence with a big yard and of course worship my blessed sobriety as everything from an excuse for my many mistakes to a badge of honor....I used to think maybe I'll find some hot divorced gal with all the stuff she won in the settelment that some other guy killed himself for and that'll all be mine so I don't have to worry about stuff, all the stuff will just be there..That wasn't happening, I got tired of waiting after all it was time for me to put the toothpaste cap back on for myself if you know what I mean, so I did. 

I was feeling ok this one day as I got up alone, said my AA prayers and made myself a cup of coffee. I straightened out my bed and picked up around the apartment a bit..I thought to myself wow, this is my apartment and this is my bed, I washed the bedding the other day and  the dishes are clean. I get along with my neighbors basically and the rent is paid. I have a phone and there's food in the cubbard. AA is working for me today. I care enough about myself to actually take care of myself today..My attitude is really changing, I can see it, the things that make me happy are changing for the better also. I like the fact my rent is paid, it makes me feel good..Much better than when I'd just spend whatever I had on whatever I wanted looking for the temporary feel good fix, allways over extended and desperate, full of that impending doom like I did something wrong again..Another calamity to drink over. Another reason to hide in the pub.

Today is a good day, a good day to be sober..It took a bit of work, yes,  but here it is, it's today..I woke up and am very alive today, it isn't a curse but quite the opposite, I'm gratefuff for the gift..I've got a few responsibilities to contend with today and I've asked for help this morning and am up for it..I'm participating in my life..I'm willing to ask for help and try to be positive..I'm gratefull for my sobriety. I don't feel the need to buy everyone another round to secure a warm seat I could never be worthy of on my own merit.. I'm out on my own and basically levelheaded..I'll do my utmost today to give without expectations that can be as simple as saying hello without wating for a response..Because I hold the door doesn't mean someone will hold it for me..I get it, I get the message. I'll bring sandwiches to the meeting in case someone's hungry.

Be a power of example not an example of power , thats it under a nutshell..I'm an alcoholic, yes,  but I can live and be a part of society sober,  most things I see around me can apply to me If I choose..I am a free man to come and go as I please in my AA sobriety as long as I'm true to myself and don't intentionally harm others, this of course did not happen over night and does still take conciderable practice...I stand for emotional security, the God of my understanding and the twelve steps provide the courage and strength for this grand daily accomplishment.

I'm alcoholic first and take care of my illness..Then I'm a auto machanic, sports nut, step father, son, helping hand, volunteer , lawn ranger or whatever,  fill in the blank, I'm all the things I need or want to be as long as I'm alcoholic first. As I go out to live my life today I don't have a big (look at me my name is and I'm alcoholic name tag) on or I don't enter all conversation with excuse me friend have you heard the word of God today? I'm the alcoholic and I believe in God, as I take care of my illness by serving my God and practicing the AA program remarkable situations materialize around me..I become approachable, I have something to offer in the form of security, I am safe to be around..I seem to develop a host of friends, the fellowship I crave. I am a sober alcoholic in AA treatment and it's working..I mean as hopeless as I'd become this AA program or twelve steps actually work..
I have been pulled from the pit of alcoholic despair to live today..To be of service to those who still suffer, it's good stuff, a good message.

I hope to see you around the halls as we learn who we are and are willing to be ourselves sober, as we begin to recognize kindness and compassion as our gifts we share with others in AA recovery..As we become a copy of the AA program others who seek it will see it in us and find the emotional sobriety they seek. They too will find balance.

Seek  out a forgotten friend today...